White House Touts Global Warming Benefits

The Bush Administration officially announced last week that more tests need to be done to determine if global warming is being caused by humans. It also stated that even if man was responsible there are wonderful benefits that nobody is touting.

Press Secretary Tony Snow stated at a press conference, “Global warming may or may not be happening. I know because of Al Gore’s movie that many gullible people think global warming is a reality. But we think more testing needs to be done, at least until January 20th, 2009, before we can truly determine if global warming is real or just a hoax made up by those super greedy liberal scientists who only want more money to continue their selfish research projects. Even if global warming was an actual phenomenon, which it isn’t, would it really be that bad. Everyone I know complains about snow and cold. I think we’d all like the weather to be more Mazatlan and less Minnesota. Am I right people?”

President Bush said while filming his annual Barney and Miss Beazley Christmas video, “This is just like the situation in Iraq. The liberal media is focusing only on the bloody civil war…er…sectarian violence over there and not on the good things like the… well you know the...ummmmmmm...well.... Well, the same thing with global warming. They say the sea level will rise several feet and flood coastal cities like New Orleans, New York and Miami. That’ll be cool folks. We won’t need to travel to Italy anymore ‘cause we’ll have our own Venice. Lot’s of ‘em! I can see it now. Gondolas will be floating down the middle of Broadway. And I know this is hard to visualize, but motorboats on the streets in New Orleans. Besides, if things get too bad, remember, I’ve decided that we’re building a moon base, because I’m the decider. We can all get in rocket ships and fly to the moon to live. That way we’ll be closer to God.” Bush then chuckled and snorted. “And people say I don’t have a strategy. It’s all worked out right here in this melon, some people call a head.”

Vice President Cheney emerged from his underground bunker to weigh in his opinion. “So what if all the ice in the Arctic Ocean melts. Anybody with any business sense would realize that means more shipping lanes will open up. That means oil will get to its destination quicker and we all know how much we all love oil. All those tree huggers are crying that the polar bears, seals and walruses will lose their environments. Boo-hoo-hoo! We’ll just build more Sea Worlds and Zoos. That’s where animals belong anyway. It means more jobs for us humans and they’ll get three square meals a day. It’s win-win for everyone.”

Andrew Simons, climatology scientist with the University of Florida said, “I find the administration’s stance on global warming completely unacceptable. They’re completely out of touch with reality and just like Iraq, completely in denial. If we don’t start cutting back on our carbon emissions by 2012, we may soon go beyond the point of no return. We’ll be responsible for the extinction of species on a massive scale. We can’t continue living life with the almighty dollar as our only concern. We’re supposed to be world leaders, but the only thing we lead in anymore is spoiled, rich, celebrity sluts.”

Americans seemed confused on the issue. Linda Larson, of Blair, North Carolina said, “I loved that Al Gore movie about global warming. It had all those singing penguins. The songs were so catchy; I was singing them for days after I saw the movie.”

Joel Terry of Gilbert, Arizona said, “Global warming, schmobal schwarming! What about that snowstorm in Colorado? Huh? Huh? You can’t spin me; I watch Fox News!”

Jim Austin of Dennison City, Oklahoma said, “Al Gore’s a pussy! Ain’t no such animal as global warming, I don’t care what all those smarsty fartsy scientists say. I’m gonna keep on driving my Hummer and keep on paying for the gas no matter how expensive it gets. And quite frankly I’m proud of our position in the world as chief exporter of celebrity sluts! U.S.A! U.S.A!”

Darfur Citizens Demand More Knowledge Of Tori Spelling

Citizens of the Darfur region in western Sudan recently confessed to journalists that their top concern wasn’t famine, starvation or persecution by the Janjaweed warriors but that they lack sufficient knowledge of Hollywood actress Tori Spelling, daughter of television producer Aaron Spelling. Help is on the way however as the Beverly Hill 90210 alumna is working on a memoir of her life that is to be published sometime in 2008.

Spelling’s publicist, Shauna White, said, “Everyone thinks they know the real Tori Spelling from watching her on Beverly Hills 90210, so noTORIous, and her life growing up in the Hollywood spotlight. But guess what chaquitas, you don’t know Tori! This book will let readers experience the truly unique life of Tori Spelling - from childhood privileges to tabloid gossip, triumph and failures, and her courageous quest to define herself on her own terms. She’s young, vibrant and she’s got a fascinating story that needs to be told.”

90210 costumer Danny Harrison said, “Glory Osky! Finally the world, especially those poor people in the Sudan, will know the real Tori Spelling! I know I often wondered while working on the set of 90210, what’s really going on in the mind of that delightful young lady. Now, all of our questions will be answered. I love you Tori! You’re absolutely fabuloso!”

Countless Darfur residents expressed delight at the news. A man who called himself Jamal said, “Oh the countless nights I lay awake at night, my stomach growling with hunger, not fearing attacks by the army but instead wondering what Tori was doing or thinking about. Finally my dream of knowing the inner workings of Tori Spelling will be fulfilled. Oh Tori! Oh Tori! How you enchant me!”

“Praise be to Allah,” commented a man who was being whipped by warrior. “If I survive this beating I will surely pick up a copy.”

Janjaweed fighter, Mahboob Abdul Salaam, said, “Oh, this is most thrilling. I may even stop killing innocent women and children to read such a book. Oh crap. I don’t know how to read. On to burn the next village.”

A woman who called herself, Kamila, said, “Sure I am starving and my two children are sick and will probably not survive until summer. But the real reason I’m so depressed is that I don’t feel I know the real Tori Spelling. It’s nice to know that she’s going to enlighten us with her wit and wisdom. Can world peace be far behind?”

Clemens To Pitch Horseshoes Not Horsehide

Future Hall of Famer and seven time Cy Young award winner, Roger Clemens, has ended speculation that he will sign with the Yankees by signing a surprise one year contract with The Buckaroos, a team in Western Division of the Houston Horseshoe League.

“I can’t explain why he did this,” said a flabbergasted Bob Costas, sports analyst for NBC. “This is a sure fire Hall of Famer who clearly has more gas in the tank. He had an ERA of 2.30 last year. He’s forty five and he still throws in the low to mid ‘90s folks. He’s not done, yet he signs this inexplicable contract. And what’s more, he’s not playing for money. He’s playing for all the beer and pretzels he can stuff down his gullet. Is he kidding? I think the Rocket needs some couch time. Seriously, someone call Dr. Phil...quickly!”

Buckaroos coach, Abner Applebee, was thrilled to have the Rocket on his squad. “Golly gee willikers! This sure is a dandy development. Hot dang! Of course, it looks like he’s gonna have to get used to throwing horseshoes instead of horsehide. Heh-heh! Why he was practicing last week and he was pitching his shoes overhand. He not only hit the stake, he knocked it clean out of the ground. Then in the next round, he threw a brushback pitch to Clem and just about knocked him unconscious. We had to explain to him brushbacks aren’t necessary in this league. That youngun’ has a ton of talent though. He’ll learn well enough.”

Clemens dismissed any criticism of his move. “Listen. I’ve done it all in baseball: I’ve got 348 career victories; I’m second all time in strikeouts. But let’s face it; I’m forty five years old. I’m not going to be able to pitch much longer. I’ll never beat Nolan Ryan’s strikeout record. I’ll never be number one in victories. I’m a shoo-in Hall of Famer. And quite frankly I’m tired of keeping up my Spartan like training regimen. I’m ready to pig out with the beer and pretzels. Not only that, I can really dominate in this league. I think I’ll lead the league in ringers, no question. Abner says you can’t use the brushback pitch. Horsehockey! When I’m pitching I own that pit baby! Nobody crowds the stake on the Rocket! Nobody!”

Professional Talk Show Audience Member Burns Out

Marla Donnelly, a professional audience member for talk shows ranging from Maury to Dr. Phil has resigned from her position citing exhaustion. She is the third professional audience member in the last three weeks to quit her position. Larry Dawson quit in early December and Kathy Corcoran quit last week.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” said a sullen Donnelly. “I mean that last Oprah’s Favorite Things giveaway was grueling, but then Ellen had her 12 Days of Giveaways. I mean a person can only get so excited about a cappuccino maker. I don’t even drink coffee so it was really tough screaming like a banshee when I saw it. Then we were asked to have an orgasm over towels from Ye Olde Hardware Shoppe. Towels for Pete’s sake! I just couldn’t be a screaming Mimi anymore. I had to get out of there.”

Dawson agrees with Donnelly. “I had to take time off because I just couldn’t fake enthusiasm when inside I felt like vomiting. I was doing the Maury show last month and I’m telling you, after the tenth failed paternity test, you just stop caring. Come on! The woman’s a slut if she can’t even pick out the father out of ten guys. These women are worse than Paris and Britney combined. And don’t even get me started on Springer. If I ever see another love tryst between a redneck, his three hundred pound wife and his transvestite lover, it will be too soon.”

Corcoran said, “What did me in was the Rachael Ray show. That rotating platform made me nauseous. Plus we had to applaud every time she added a pinch of cayenne pepper or dash of oregano. I’m sorry, oregano just isn’t that exciting. Not only that, Rachael was just too damn perky. No one’s that perky. Not even Katie Couric was that perky. At the end of one of her shows, I was ready to kill and I sing in my church choir.”

“It’s not surprising,” said audience member manager, Fay Goodman. “It’s not easy these days being an audience talk show member. Back in the old days, there was just Donahue. Then Oprah came on, then Springer, then Jenny Jones. Then everybody and their brother were getting talk show. Remember Tempestt Bledsoe’s show? Or Charles Perez’s show? Thankfully, most of us have forgotten those timewasters. Now there are so many different shows on so many different networks. I know several of these women rush from Emeril to Martha and then over to Montel. It can really be quite grueling.”

Donnelly however didn’t rule out a return in the future. “I know I’m tired of the routine now but you never really get it out of your system. I know that sometime in the future, I’ll be watching Oprah and I’ll instinctively jump off the couch and start screaming like a howler monkey and send my seventeen cats up the draperies. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Top 2006 Holiday Gift Ideas

It’s that time of year again; time to suck it up, spend, spend, spend, and then take half of next year to pay off your crippling debt. As usual, the BilgeBucket Gazette staff has thoughtfully compiled a list of this year’s top holiday gift ideas. Be sure this print this out and take it with you to the mall!

	Vacation package to Baghdad’s exciting ‘Green Zone’
	A Kevin Federline CD/Coaster
	Mazeltel’s Talking Mel Gibson Dreidel with Super Spinning Action
	Gift certificate for free colon cleansing at Taco Bell
	Britney Spears’ crotchless ‘Slut on the Go’ Panties
	A nice, juicy Indian Mango
	A framed Tom Delay mugshot picture
	A woven Kwanzaa mat autographed by Michael Richards
	Brokeback Mountain Action Figure/Blowup Doll
	A John Bolton souvenir moustache
	Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Daily Denial Desk Calendar
	An Official Deadeye Dick Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model BB Gun
	A Connie Chung Murders Your Favorite Christmas Songs CD
	A package of Vladimir Putin’s Sushi Bites (now in your frozen food section)
	Paris Hilton’s Stinkin’ Rich Eau de Parfum
	Updated nativity set featuring the Virgin Mary Cheney
	George W. Bush’s Lil’ Spy Eavesdropping Kit