Oops! I Did It Again

Greetings and salutations to all the loyal readers of the BilgeBucket Gazette. It is pleasing me to no end that Dex Rexter has entrusted me with putting forth this entire issue while the staff enjoys the American holiday season. Not only do I get to present timely articles for your reading pleasure, I also get to write another thrilling movie review for all you buffs of fine cinema.

Oh, I tell you what, a lot has happened in my life since I've written last. The big news is that my dear wife Sameera is expecting another little bundle of joy. I cannot tell you how happy I am. Good Ganesh! Who I am I kidding! I've really done it this time! I am so royally screwed. I've already got ten always hungry, crying, screaming, adorable, children. I've got four jobs already and yet I barely provide. Oh how I wish they made some sort of device that prevents such blessed events. You know, something that I can slip on my pickle or some kind of net Sameera can wear in her spot. Praying doesn't seem to be doing the trick. If such a device existed, oh I would buy a truckload.

Needless to say, I am going to need more rupees to support my family. Some have suggested that Sameera get a job. Bite your tongue, I say. We cannot afford a Fran Dresher-like Nanny in our humble home. My wife needs to stay home with the children. So it is up to me and me alone to provide. Sweet Shiva! I've really done it this time. I am so royally screwed.

So I told my boss at Deccan Softniks, Pradeep, about my predicament: I either need a raise or I have to find a fifth job. He laughed and gave me an hour off to go find a fifth job. What a boss! A whole hour! I jumped on my scooter and revved right on over to MegaloCorpBank Card Services. I heard from my friend Mangesh they planned to expand their call center next month and planned to pay top rupee. I submitted my application and interviewed. I told them of my credentials as a call center agent at Dittmeier Software, which is my night job. They were happier than monkeys in a barrel! They said they had a position and it paid eighty rupees (about two dollars) more per hour than Dittmeier. My head was swimming. I usually like to discuss employment situations with Sameera, but I took the bull by the horns and took the job on the spot. Of course, I now had to tell Dittmeier that I needed to adjust my working time there.

I went back to work and slaved like a cow the rest of the day. I then scootered over to Dittmeier and told my boss, Sathi, that I found a better job for my night job and that I'd like to continue working at Dittmeier during any waking minute I had left. Sathi was very understanding and offered me a shift Saturday night and a double shift on Sunday. He said of course he couldn't increase my wages. I snatched it up like a hungry mongoose. I knew I would have to quit my job as sitar player in my band The Anil Charmers. I knew also that I would be giving up family time on Sunday. I knew I'd probably only get two hours of sleep a night, even on weekends. But a man has to do what a man has to do. Suffering Shazbat! I've really done it this time. I am so, so, so, so royally screwed. I know what I'll be praying for now: my timely and grisly death. Maybe I'll be dispatched to the next life by a painful cobra bite. Or maybe I'll be stomped to death by a raving elephant. Or maybe a Brahma bull will gore me through and through. Vishnu, please be quick and merciless.

Oh, I almost completely forgot about the movie review. I've only managed to see one movie lately; a couple of months ago. Main Hoon Na is one terrific movie. Shahrukh Khan, the biggest stud in India, plays a Major who is searching for his long lost step mother and step brother. So he goes back to school. Along the way he courts one hot chemistry teacher played to perfection by Sushmita Sen. Let's just say when they get together, the resulting reaction is pure dyn-o-mite! I love the romantic Bollywood serenades Shahrukh sings whenever he sees Sushmita. Just call me an old softy but my heart cockles get extremely warm. I also loved Satish Shah as the spitting professor. Move over, Jerry Lewis! This man is the true nutty professor! I nearly peed my pants. Main Hoon Na is a true Bollywood classic!

Well there you have it, good people of Cactus Corners. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you a Happy Holiday Season, whatever your religious persuasion may be. Keep sending the jobs over here. I may need a few more if I don't find a birth control device soon. Oh, I am so royally screwed.