BilgeBucket Tandoori

It's the holiday season and we here at the BilgeBucket have decided to take some time off. But rather than not do an issue, we've decided to outsource the entire holiday issue to our movie reviewer in Bangalore, India, Sanjay Tandoori. He was thrilled! He has worked very hard on it and although it is a little late, it will surely bring a smile to your face and laughter to your heart. Or... maybe not.

I'd like to wish all our readers a Happy Holiday Season. We'll see you next year. In the mean time, enjoy the BilgeBucket's Tandoori edition.

Dow Blames Faulty Indians For Bhopal Accident

The European Parliament recently called upon India to clean up the site of one of the world's worst industrial accidents, which occurred twenty years ago in Bhopal. The tragedy occurred in 1984 at the Union Carbide pesticide plant. The leakage of forty tons of methyl isocyanate (MIC) killed thousands of people and injured hundreds of thousands more. Although Dow bought out Union Carbide in 2001, many feel that they should foot the cleanup bill despite paying almost $470 million in damages in an out of court settlement in 1989.

Dow spokesman, Vito Dweeble, said, "Hey look! It's not our fault. It was Union Carbide's fault and they paid up already. I'd say $550 per person is pretty good. I mean if you want to get technical, the real blame lies with the Indians who were running the plant. I mean come on. They mixed water with MIC. They turned off the alarm system. Geez! So we didn't tell them what to do in case of a leak. They should've been more careful."

Spokesman for the victims of the disaster, Raj Sukumar, said, "I cannot believe that they're being so callous. Thousands of people have died and are maimed for life. People have higher than average incidences of eye, skin and lung diseases and increased birth defects. Cancer rates have increased. Women are having miscarriages at seven times the national rate. Not only that, Union Carbide made an internal report about not mixing water with MIC, but didn't bother to share it with the India plant. They didn't even tell our doctors how to treat the illnesses. Some areas around the site are so contaminated that it's impossible to walk for ten minutes without losing consciousness. This is the last straw! We are sick of American corporations crapping all over us and not cleaning it up."

Warren Anderson, the Chairman of Union Carbide at the time, and still wanted in India on manslaughter charges because of the accident, said from his hiding place in the Hamptons. "What? They're still moaning about that thing. That was twenty years ago. Don't they know American corporations don't answer to anyone? Not even our own citizens. Hell, most American corporations don't even pay income taxes. We can do whatever the hell we want." He laughed deeply and took a puff of his cigar. "My message to India is, get over it people!"

Indian citizens expressed extreme sorrow and anger that people are still suffering twenty years later and that no one will take responsibility for cleaning up the site. Madhul Parikh said, "I don't understand why Dow won't clean up this mess? Our water is contaminated. Our animals are sick and diseased. I've had five miscarriages in the past six years. Better living through chemistry, my ass!"

Jawaharlal Gupta said, "I guess I don't mind it so much anymore. I've gotten use to living with this ten-pound cancerous tumor on my back, vomiting blood and peeing in excruciating pain. Oops! Excuse me. I'm having another bout of violent diarrhea."

Madras Man Sees Image Of Ganesh In Mutton Kurma

A Madras man, Deepak Shankakumar, claims to have seen the image of the Hindu God of Knowledge, Ganesh, in his meal of mutton kurma last week while eating at The Curry Hut.

"I am telling you, it is a miracle!" said Deepak, dancing around his table and pointing to his dish. "This kurma has karma! I knew Ganesh would answers my shlokas eventually. Look! The big piece of mutton is his elephant head. That little piece is his big belly and there is his mouse that he rides. I am so thrilled! Ganesh is speaking to me through mutton kurma!"

Other patrons at The Curry Hut were skeptical of his claims. Ravi Patel said, "I do not know what he is talking about. It looks like a piece of mutton simmering in delicious chili, pepper, and garlic sauce. Move out of the way you foolish man so I can eat it."

Jaideep Shuralaya said, "Deepak is crazy if he thinks that mutton kurma looks like Ganesh. If it isn't the spitting image of Dennis Franz from N.Y.P.D Blue, I will eat my shoes."

The Curry Hut owner, Vivash Gowda, says he can see the image and that he plans to keep the dish for all to see. "This is big. Just think of the rupees I'll bring in with this gimmick. I'll have to think of a way to keep it from smelling though. After a couple of days, that kurma is going to stink like a Calcutta cesspool."

Deepak continued reveling in his find. "This is a sign that I belong in the next caste level. Oh, the knowledge I will obtain now. Merchantdom here I come. I movin' on up. To Vaishya. To that deluxe box cart by the sty."

Bengal Woman Marries Dog; Claims It Is Dead Husband

A Bengal woman, Rima Sanyal, married a local village dog, claiming it was her husband, Bijoy Sanyal, who died several years ago after being eaten by a tiger he was napping in the fields. He was said to be avoiding work at the time.

"I noticed a little dog following me around last week," explained Rima. "I thought nothing of it. I fed him some scraps and he followed me home. Then he started doing things just like my late husband did. He scratched his fleas just like Bijoy used to. He licked himself just like Bijoy used to. He pooped by the front door just like Bijoy used to. Finally, I looked closely into his face and saw the wild eyes and foaming mouth, just like Bijoy used to have. It is then I knew it was Bijoy and I had to marry him."

Rima's village priest, Lokesh Chatterjee, said the marriage was necessary. "We all knew Bijoy was not the sharpest stick in the pile. He wasn't a very good worker. He barely provided for his wife. I've seen monkeys smarter than him. But to be reincarnated as a mongrel dog; oh, that is low. Rima had to marry him to break any bad further omens from happening to her."

Many in Rima's village are disgusted by the marriage. Rima's friend, Suhanna Bopal, said, "I am so glad my husband, Romesh, is such a good man. He will never be reincarnated as a mongrel. I see only the Kshatriya caste level or higher next lifetime. At least she doesn't have to have sex with it."

Lokesh claims she only has to marry the mongrel for a period of two years to break the bad karma. "I think I can make it," said Rima. "As long as I don't catch rabies or intestinal parasites, I should be fine. But the leg humping has to stop. It's not going to happen Bijoy!"

Top Exciting Events During A Cricket Match

Cricket is one of the most popular games in the world. It is played in England, Australia, India and other countries throughout Asia and Africa. Though similar to America's baseball, it is decidedly different. There is much action in the six hour matches, which make cricket a non-stop thrill-a-thon. Sanjay Tandoori, a big cricket fan, has compiled a list of some of the exciting plays that may occur during a cricket match. Hold onto your wickets, mates!

	Getting four wickets to skittle your foe
	Winning a Test two balls into the fourth day
	Removing your opponent with a jaffer
	Scoring a run by googling a six
	Getting caught from behind by the wicket keeper
	Sledging your opponent with mental disintegration
	Taking a wicked full blooded at a grubber
	Scoring a century off a pie thrower
	When a quickie bowls a maiden
	Seeing a chucker with no balls
	Watching India's greatest player, Sachin Tendulkar, whack a lofted past the long off
	When the nightwatchman knicks a googly off the hand of the silly mid off
	Getting a sticky wicket