The BilgeBucket Returns

The BilgeBucket Gazette is back in action after a six month absence. It’s been tough but we’ve finally cobbled together an issue. Not only that, ...(more)

Bush Unveils ‘Plan For Victory’ In Iraq: Eliminate Critics

President Bush held an elaborate photo opportunity this past week complete with inspiring “Plan For Victory” banners similar to his “Mission Accomplished” banners two and half years ago when he declared combat operations officially ended in Iraq. Many feel that this is a response to recent polls which indicate that almost two in three Americans disapprove of the Bush Administration’s handling of the war and that President Bush may have misled the American public. Bush’s approval rating has also dropped to 35% and Vice President Cheney’s to 19%.

During the photo op, he unveiled his plan to win the war in Iraq. “I understand that a lot of people are complaining that we are losing the war in Iraq,” said Bush. “Well, winning the war in Iraq is quite simple. To win the war in Iraq all you have to do is get rid of the critics. That’s why we’ve launched Operation Purge For Freedom. You see, if there are no people critical of the war, then we’re winning. We’ve already started step one, just in time for winter. Something I’m nicknaming Operation Snow Job. Get it. It’s almost winter and I’m calling it a snow job. I’m so good at nicknames.” Bush then chuckled to himself for five minutes.

Bush composed himself and continued. “We’ve paid off journalists in Iraq and America to print only happy stories designed to give everyone warm fuzzies. These stories will tell how we’re kicking Al-Qaeda’s ass and how Iraqis love having us in their country and that the whole world respects and admires my cowboy diplomacy. We will also discontinue the reporting of casualties. This seems to cause nothing but trouble. In fact, we’re making all kinds of progress. We’re training Iraqis to take over. After two years, we’ve got one battalion that’s completely auno…automo…on it’s own. We figure that in another five, six, or twenty years, there will be five or six more fully trained battalions. That is, if they don’t take our training and join Al-Qaeda like they have been doing. That kinda sucks. But that won’t happen anymore because I’m really close with God and we all believe in the right God here in America. Besides, by that time, we’ll have all the oil and money we want. Then we can leave that hellhole, er… I mean that freedom loving land of Islamiacs.”

“Our final step in Operation Purge For Freedom will be the elimination of war critics by sending them on vacation to secret locations we’ve set up in Europe. I’ll let Uncle Dick handle the details.”

Vice President Dick Cheney, who had crawled out from the bunker in his undisclosed location earlier in the day, climbed on stage and addressed the audience. “People who dare question the President about the legitimacy of the war in Iraq are dishonest, reprehensible, and shameless. Therefore, we’ve set up special ‘vacation retreats’ for these people in certain locations in Eastern Europe. These prisons…er…‘retreats’ used to be re-education centers in the former Soviet Union and our friends in the Ukraine are letting us use them. Let’s just say, no one will be criticizing the President anymore and soon we will be winning the war again in Iraq.” He then performed his patented Republican mind trick by speaking in a hushed tone and waving his hand over the crowd. “You will not be war critics. You will love the President’s plan.”

Response was mostly favorable from the pliant press. Sean Hannity of Fox News said, “I think I’ve just witnessed God walking on Earth. I’m sure not a war critic, Mr. President. You can count on me to spread your holy word.”

Hardball host, Chris Matthews said, “Wow! I like how he came out firing just like Clint Eastwood. What a great plan! I’m sure not a war critic.”

NBC anchor, Brian Williams, said, “I approve of the President buying off journalists. I could use a boat and a new Porsche would be nice. I’m sure not a war critic.”

CBS Anchor, Bob Schieffer, said, “Yep! The plan makes sense to me. If no one complains, you got to be winning. Right? Eh-heh. Eh-heh. I’m sure not a war critic.”

In related news, Representatives John Murtha, Nancy Pelosi, Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry and filmmaker Michael Moore will be vacationing at one of Cheney’s ‘retreats’ in Kiev for an undetermined time frame.

Republicans Want Answers On Iraq (Wink, Wink)

Senate Republicans recently passed a Republican sponsored amendment for the Pentagon to provide quarterly reports to provide an exit strategy for the Iraq War. This was in response to an earlier effort by Senate Democrats to ask for a phased withdrawal of troops that was rebuffed by a 58-40 vote. The amendment that was passed was essentially the same as the Democrat’s version except the Democrat’s version required Bush to submit a timetable for phased troop withdrawal. The vote comes in response to recent polls which state that 2 out of 3 Americans think Bush has mishandled the war in Iraq.

“We want to get in the ball game,” said North Carolina Republican senator Lindsey Graham. “Until now, we’ve been letting President Bush handle things and we’ve just been standing by with our thumbs up our asses. But now, thanks to us Republicans, we’re going to provide answers for Americans. Really. I’m not kidding. We are.” Graham then winked toward Vice President Cheney, who was watching from his chair in the Senate.

Nebraska Senator and 2008 presidential hopeful Chuck Hagel said, “This is a significant event. We feel that citizens of the United States have a right to question our strategy in Iraq. By providing these quarterly reports, we’ll be providing answers to the good people of the United States. Yes, quarterly reports should be more than sufficient.” Hagel then tapped the side of his nose while looking toward the Vice President.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said, “The Democrat proposal supported a cut and run philosophy, which is not surprising because they’re a bunch of unpatriotic, un-American terrorist lovers. The Republican amendment provides a responsible answer to the American people and in no means is just a reactionary ploy on Republicans part to throw the American people a bone and improve Republicans chances in the 2006 elections.” Frist then gave a sideward glance and a thumbs up sign to an approving Dick Cheney.

Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, called the notion that the vote reflects the Senate’s impatience with his conduct of the war absurd. “I’m telling you that is just absurd. Absurd. Absurd. Absurd. Sure a few absurd people in America are upset about the war. But things are going great in Vietnam…er I mean Iraq. We’re making so much progress its absurd. I mean, yesterday in Baghdad, they had electricity for almost a full day. That’s absurdly good news! To say we’re not making progress is just absurd.”

Connecticut Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman praised the resolution. “Oh, this bipartisan resolution is wonderful. I’m so glad it passed because I sure didn’t want to fight against the Republicans. Nosiree! Raising objections and asking questions just takes too much energy. I’d much rather roll over, than risk starting a fight. Oh, look. It’s time for my nap.”

Kansas Renamed IDiotopia

The state of Kansas has officially changed its name to IDiotopia, following the decision by the Kansas Board of Education in November to adopt new science standards that treat evolutionary theory as flawed and teach intelligent design alongside evolution in biology classrooms.

Board member, Agnes Rutledge, approved of the new name. “We feel the new name properly reflects the people of this state. Note the capital ID at the beginning. It’s kind of a play on words. Get it. ID. Intelligent Design. Utopia. A Utopia for people who believe in Creationism, er…I mean Intelligent Design. It’s clever, don’t you think? And most importantly, it makes sense, just like Creationism, er… I mean Intelligent Design.”

Reverend Jacob Conwell of the Fourth Evangelical Church of Olathe praised the move by the Board of Education. “Yeeaaaahhh! It’s about time that people come to their senses and realize that logic, reason and intelligence have no place in trying to figure out the universe. Now maybe people will realize that earth was created magically in seven days by an all powerful God, who resembles Wilfred Brimley, about four thousand years ago. The fossils so called ‘scientists’ have found in the ground are just a test by God, like when God asked Abraham to lovingly kill his son. Sure we don’t know how God planted the fossils there; God works in mysterious ways. There are some things we shouldn’t worry our pretty little heads about. But I do know we should only read one book; the Bible. Yes, we will now live proudly under the banner of the new state of IDiotopia, the Utopia for Intelligent Designers.”

Many Christians applauded the move by the board’s decision and the new name. Jenny McTavish, of Hill City, said, “The new state name is really catchy don’t you think. The Intelligent Design Utopia, IDiotopia. There couldn’t possibly be any other interpretation of that name. Just like there couldn’t possibly be any other way to explain the creation of the Universe than what’s written in the Bible.”

George Parsons of Topeka, said, “All I know is science can’t explain everything. For instance, science can’t explain why Craig Ferguson got his own late night talk show. Have you seen that show? Geez! I’ve seen more laughs at a rosary. Come on you smartsy fartsy scientists! Only God can explain that one.”

Not every one is proud of the Board of Education’s decision. Dr. Michael Waxman said, “As a biology teacher here at Kansas State, I’m embarrassed beyond words. The reason science can’t explain everything is because science is an ongoing investigation. We’re constantly uncovering new facts about the world and the universe. That’s what science is all about. This political stunt by religious zealots sets us back to the Middle Ages. Next you’ll start teaching that there actually is a tooth fairy, Santa Claus is real and blood letting really works.” Waxman paused then added, “They’re right about one thing though. Science can’t explain Craig Ferguson’s show. Even I’m at a loss on that one.”

Joe Fenton, an engineer from Wichita said, “Well, there’s no question about it. I’m getting out of this stupid state. At least they picked an appropriate new name for the state: Idiotopia. It really is a state of idiots.”

Agnes Rutledge, who was taken aback by Fenton’s statement, responded, “Goodness! I never really looked at the name IDiotopia and thought of any other possible interpretation other than Intelligent Design Utopia. Hmmmm. Could it possibly mean something else other than I originally thought? Could it possibly mean a utopia for idiots? Naaaaahhhh! I’m sure my original explanation is correct.”

Top 2005 Holiday Gift Ideas

Once again the holiday shopping season has swooped in upon us like the bird flu. It’s time to brave the crowds and buy that special something for that special someone. Just as we’ve done the past couple of years, the BilgeBucket staff has conveniently compiled a list of the hot “gotta have it” items for this years holiday season. Be sure this print this out and take it with you to the mall!

	A Holiday Gas Siphoning Kit
	Allahsbro’s Lil’ Suicider Fun Kit
	Cruise-O-Matic Sonogram Machine endorsed by Tom Cruise
	Pisher Frice’s Junior Meth Lab
	Michael ‘Brownie’ Brown’s Emergency Response Kit complete with fashionable buttoned down collar shirt, 8x10 glossy of an Arabian horse and a gold plated finger to point at somebody else
	Mercenary Jesus Hummel Figurine
	Tom Delay’s Money Laundering Soap-on-a-Rope
	Mazeltel’s Ariel Sharon Cuddly Plush Doll
	Winnegogo’s Mobile Strip Club
	Kim Jong Il’s Wacky-Do Wig Collection
	Condi Rice’s Guide To Shoe Shopping In New York
	Don Sheister’s How To Bilk Millions From Your Friends And Neighbors By Selling Motivational DVDs DVD Set
	Joan Rivers’ Do-It-Yourself Skin Tightening Clamps
	Official Minnesota Vikings Sex Cruise Condoms autographed by Daunte Culpepper
	Paris Hilton’s crotchless jeans
	G.I. George’s Secret Torture Prison Play Set with Donald Rumsfeld ‘Executioner’ action figure