Dex Rexter: Slinging The Slop

The BilgeBucket Gazette is back in action after a six month absence. It’s been tough but we’ve finally cobbled together an issue. Not only that, we’ve changed our layout and hopefully our luck as of late. What started out as a pretty interesting year turned into a nightmare after our planned trip to India in May to assist our outsourced movie critic, Sanjay Tandoori and his wife Sameera with the birth of their eleventh child and to point out the virtues of birth control. However, as I noted in Issue 10, things went awry and we were left with a skeleton crew of staff. Then everything went in the toilet. What a sucky year! I’ve had some sucky years in my life, like the year I made out with Rachel Conway at summer camp in the poison ivy and I spent the rest of the year itching everywhere… and I do mean everywhere. Or the time gassy ol’ Uncle Melvin came and lived with us after his divorce and bunked with me in my room. It took two years to air it out after he left. But this year made the other years look like a romp with Paris Hilton. This was absolutely the suckiest year I’ve ever had. Yeeeeesh! What a sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky, suck-ass year!

Let me recap and update. It wasn’t long after we published Issue 10 that my mother died suddenly. Then my father fell ill and passed away a few months later. I’ve been busy grieving, paying off bills and handling estate issues ever since. The rest of our staff has had misfortunes as well. Chester took ill in June with a urinary tract infection. He is convinced he caught it drinking the water on his visit to India. A UTI for someone of Chester’s age is not good news. Fortunately he has almost completely recovered and is back to his lovable, cranky, intolerable self. Why just the other day, he was yelling at the TV, kicking the cat and ordering us around. I wonder if we can get some more of that water from India. Beulah is still AWOL in Prague, supposedly working at the Sex Machines Museum. But in all actuality, that sex crazed woman could be anywhere. I’m betting she’s either in Amsterdam (red light district), Bangkok (red light district) or Brazil (whole country). Shirley Ray has just returned from Louisiana helping relatives who were hit by Katrina and Rita. She is ready to resume her active lifestyle as the Queen of Cactus Needles Trailer Park. Lamebeard the Pirate, drank himself into a drunken stupor following the re-election of President Dubya, recovered and then fell off the wagon again this summer. He has cut back on his drinking but he is a pirate and they do love the grog. Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer has been ordered to repeat the third grade, but has been helping out whenever he can like mailing letters, scratching Chester’s feet and unplugging Gomy’s Xbox while he’s playing Doom III. What a delightful little scamp! Sanjay Tandoori has his hands full with the latest of his eleven children so he hasn’t been able to help much. But thankfully, Chester’s lesson on how to use a condom, sunk in and Sanjay is at four jobs, eleven children and holding. And last and certainly least, there’s Gomy Dinkman, who spent his summer and fall playing video games. Thanks for the help you worthless bag of protoplasm. Hmmm. I’m sensing there’s a trip in store for Gomy in the near future. How about a trip to Iraq to embed with some troops in Fallujah?

2005 wasn’t just bad for me and the BilgeBucket staff. The country and the world had a bad year. There was the continuing war in Iraq, the tsunamis in Asia, the hurricanes in the Gulf Coast, the slaughter in the Sudan, the earthquakes in Pakistan, etc.... And of course the continuing incompetence of President George W. Bush has made America hated throughout the world and made us less secure here at home. Why just the other day, the former 9/11 commission said there is a very real chance we’ll be attacked by terrorists in the near future: so much for Homeland Security. Yeeesh! Have I mentioned how bad this year sucked?

Things do appear to be looking up though: the crooks are finally being caught in Bush’s administration; the worst administration in modern times has record disapproval ratings and it quite possible Democrats, if they manage to develop a spine and stay somewhat coordinated, could be elected into office en masse in 2006 and bring some balance back to this country. Personally, I’m able to laugh and joke around again, which is a big step considering the sucky things that happened to me this year. Slowly but surely, things are getting back to normal here at the Bucket. So without further adieu, let’s start shoveling again. Oh, and one more thing. With apologies to Jimmy Durante, ‘Say goodnight, Beulah Snodgrass, wherever you are!’