Who Is Michael Jackson Trying To Look Like?

Michael Jackson has been in the news a lot lately for his alleged indiscretions with a boy who slept over at his Neverland ranch. While we find these charges disturbing, we ask an even more burning question; one we've been wondering for years and years. Who the hell is Michael Jackson trying to look like? To answer this, we've asked Dr. Hans Gesichtfuk, the German über surgeon of plastic surgery, to analyze Jacko and determine who he's trying to become. For full impact of Dr. Gesichtfuk's analysis, please read his commentary with a German accent.


There are some who feel that Michael is transforming himself to look like his sister Janet, who was on Different Strokes. I hear she also sings. I believe she may have been the target of earlier surgeries in the '80s, but he has clearly gone beyond her.

Some people feel that Michael is trying to look like his other sister, LaToya. The resemblance is uncanny! I believe they had a special relationship when they were kids. Maybe they shared clothes. I can only speculate. I believe she was his target of his surgeries in the '90s.

Some people think that Michael is starting to resemble the über gorgeous Diana Ross, who co-starred with Michael in The Wiz. I hear she also sang a little. Ms. Ross obviously had quite an effect on Michael. Ya, I believe Michael admires this woman so much he wants to become her. She very well could be his ultimate goal. He's got quite a long way to go on the gorgeous part though. Gut Gott im Himmel!

Please! Can we talk! Although the pained look from botched surgeries is correct, Michael needs to be whiter if he is to look like Joan Rivers. I might suggest more bleach at the next treatment.

WINNER. To me, Michael is definitely shooting for looking like Jizzo, the German über clown of Angst. He's definitely got the clown wardrobe and clown behavior down. He also likes the children, just like Jizzo did. He also sleeps with the children, just like Jizzo did. He'll probably be spending some time in prison, just like Jizzo did. That is until Jizzo was killed by his lover, Günther. Ya, just a nip here, a tuck there, and über amounts of bleach and Voila! Jizzo lives again!