Rove Wins Magician Of The Year

Karl Rove, political strategist for the Bush Administration, whom many consider the most powerful and influential figure in the White House, was honored this past week by the Magicians Society of America, as the Magician of The Year.

"No one has deceived more people in the past year than 'Conniving' Karl," said Chairperson Jerry Houdini, great grandson of Harry Houdini. "I mean this guy makes David Copperfield look like a school boy playing card tricks."

When asked about the secret of his success Rove, wearing a top hat and cape, replied, "It's really pretty simple. It's all about misdirection. Take our assault on environmental regulations to reward our industrial financial contributors. Most Americans aren't even aware of the cutbacks we've made because everyone is worried about Iraq. Classic misdirection! Oh, and how about the Medicare bill. We made that legislation so complicated that the average person doesn't realize how good our pals in the insurance and pharmaceutical industries are making out and how badly they're getting screwed." He waved his wand and produced a dove. "God, I'm a genius!"

Other Rove masterpieces include, the spreading of the myth of 'liberal' media, calling anyone who dissents against the Bush Administration 'unpatriotic', and labeling of Democrats as using class warfare in opposing the Bush tax cuts. "Basically, I accuse the Democrats of doing what we are doing before they do it. By jumping the gun and accusing the Democrats of class warfare first, that throws everyone's attention over to the Democrats. No one questions us and we get our tax cuts for our wealthy friends and benefactors." Rove took off his hat and pulled out a rabbit. "Pretty smooth, eh?"

Rove admits he had some worries about the WMD issue. "I was worried because that wasn't panning out, but then we did a classic bait and switch maneuver with the whole humanitarian angle and we were golden again. I mean if anyone questions us, we slam back that they must be on Saddam Hussein's side." Rove then produced a bouquet of flowers from his sleeve. "Beautiful, if I do say so myself."

Rove then gave some insight into some goodies for the 2004 campaign. "This is going to be good. We've already started our Democrats are soft on terror spiel. Now with the war in Iraq dragging on, we'll convince the American populace that it would only help the terrorists by changing to a new administration. Yes, nothing works to a wolf's advantage than keeping the sheep scared." Rove wrapped his cape around his body and in a puff of smoke, disappeared.

Ex-Big Band Star Releases Rap Album

Singer Richard "Lil' Dickie" Barnes, a singer with Larry Swain's Champagne Orchestra from the 40's to the mid 60's has announced he is making a comeback by releasing a rap CD entitled, Getting Jiggy With Lil' Dickie.

Barnes, who just turned 95 recently, said from his room in the Burbank Home For Big Band Geezers, "Yo, Yo, Yo! I'm just trying to reach out and relate to today's younguns. Yessiree, bobcat! I'll have my old friend Myron Duncan playing accordion, and Bert Deisling, our old conductor and my homely boy, will be DJ. As the kids say today, he's 'groovy' man."

Barnes says he will be doing covers of Hard Knock Life by Jay Z , Hit 'em wit Da Hee by Missy Elliot and For All My Niggas and Bitches by Snoop Dogg on his album. He's also composed his own rap songs: How'd That Get There, Oi! My Goiter! and Don't Need Viagra, Need Maalox. "I really feel these songs will appeal to the little whippersnappers of today. But I think my homlies will get a real gas out of them, too."

Fellow Home resident, 80 year old Frank Williams had this to say when he heard of the new CD. "Lil' Dickie! A 95 year old white rapper! That's just wack, man! Peace out!"

Rap fan, B. Dangerous was much kinder. "What a delightful idea! I offer my deepest kudos and congratulations to this fine member of the geriatric set. I only wish more seniors had his vitality and spunk. Hurrah, seniors!"

Barnes then excused himself. "Oh, oh! I've got to go. My shizzle just took a wizzle."

Food Moocher Annoys Co-Workers

Workers at Golden Cactus Marketing have decided to take drastic measures against colleague, Dave Fillmore. Apparently, the accounts receivable agent keeps going around the office and mooching food from various employees at lunch time.

"It's really starting to piss me off!" said Jerry Walker, a sales agent who sits in the cubicle across from Fillmore. "It started out innocently enough. He would stop by and take a piece of candy or peanut, but that's why they were sitting there. Now, he claims he's just coming by to socialize and then he takes all your food. We're talking entrees: sandwiches, Ramen noodles and microwaved burritos meant to satisfy my noon time hunger!"

Programmer Edwina Lenore agrees. "The man is incorrigible! Yesterday, I was getting ready to sink my teeth into my Tuna-Melt Deluxe from The Sub Pit and he comes by my cube, 'just to say hi'. Then he asks if he could just have a bite of my sandwich because he's heard good things about the Sub Pit's sandwiches. I said no, but he flashes his puppy dog eyes and pleads to try it...for ten minutes. I decided I just wanted to get rid of him, so I gave him a piece of my sandwich. Then he was off to his next victim."

Secretary Dana Watson said, "The man doesn't even bring his lunch anymore. He just mooches a piece of sandwich here, a bite of Hungry Man dinner there. He hits the jackpot though when there are leftovers from company meetings. Christ! I've never seen anybody get to the conference room so fast."

Fillmore claims he just being friendly. "I'm a people person. I like visiting my co-workers and shooting the bull. But I always end up forgetting to make my lunch and I've got a high metabolism, so I've just got to eat, eat, eat. I don't think anyone really minds though."

Walker vowed to put an end to the mooching. "Next time, I'm setting aside a piece of sandwich with a special surprise in it. Let's just say Montezuma will be getting a little revenge."

Rejected Television Christmas Specials

It's the holiday season and that means television will be saturated with Holiday Specials like Rudolph The Red-Nose Reindeer and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. However, our intrepid staff has uncovered some specials that the networks rejected and will never be released on the airwaves. Hmmm...maybe Showtime would be interested.

	Heidi, the Christmas Hooker and The Motel Room Miracle
	How Santa Gambled Christmas Away
	Joe Lieberman's Dreidel Mania
	The Arby's Oven Mitt Saves Christmas
	Harvey The Wino's Spirits of Christmas
	Call Me Mistress Claus
	Quentin Tarantino's Candy Cokehead Offs Frosty The Snowman
	A Very Dick Cheney Kwanzaa
	Martha Stewart's Jailhouse Christmas
	Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A Rick Santorum Christmas Nightmare
	Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A John Ashcroft Christmas Nightmare
	Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A Bush Administration Christmas Nightmare
	Babes in Toyland Starring Michael Jackson