Bush Proposes Pink Armbands For Homos

Last week, President Bush announced a controversial method that he hopes will be a first step toward preventing gay marriage: requiring gays and lesbians to wear pink armbands.

"This is our first step in our War Against Gaiety that I promised to my core supporters. I read somewhere that somebody used this identification system once and it worked great. I can't remember who had the system. You know me and book learning. All I know is the system worked before somewhere and it can work again. If we see two people wearing armbands looking like they're going to kiss or get married, we alert the proper authorities and turn the hose on 'em, so to speak. And the lesbians can wear frilly lacy bands if they want to. Check that. The guys will probably want the frilly lacy bands. The women will probably want some kind of pink flannel looking material. I'll have to ask Mary Cheney about that one."

Jerry Falwell commended the President for his initiative. "Make no mistake about it. Homos are our misfortune. Homos are our burden. Its because of homos that 9/11 happened. It's because of homos, we're at war in Afghanistan and Iraq. It's because of homos that we're punished with Will and Grace, The Ellen Show and Sweating To The Oldies. This is a wonderful Christian idea and I'm sure Jesus would approve of it."

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, also praised the legislation but added, "We need to do more to isolate and alienate homosexuals in this country. Maybe we can build special camps where they work separately, safely away from any contact with normal people. Maybe make them labor productively for our vast military complex. Work makes you free. I know this would surely ease my homophobic mind."

Not surprisingly, Bush supporters approved the move. Buford Moore, of Possum Rock, Tennessee, said, "I'm a feared of them homo sapiens so much! I can't even takes a shower any more because if I drop my soap, I just know one of 'em is going to sneak in my shack and poke me one whiles I'm not looking! They's got radar for that kind of thing, you know!"

Clem Bickley, of Fetid Gulch, Texas, said, "This is great! Once we get rid of all them homos, then we can get rid of all those liberal Democrats. Then we can get rid of the abortionists, the atheists, the gun haters, and the anti-Christians. Then we can get all the Yankees fans, the non-Cowboy fans, and those morons who actually like the Mavericks more than the Spurs. Then we can get rid of the folks who like Miller better than Bud, like Winston better than Marlboro and those assholes, who like greens better than grits. Yep! Once everyone starts thinking the same way, then we'll have a great country!"

When he heard of the Republican's plans, Queer Eye star Carson Kressley, said, "Well you don't have to hit me over the head with a Gucci loafer. Toronto, here I come!"

Bush Sends Anti-Feminists To Train Iraqi Women

As part of its effort to democratize and introduce Iraqi citizens to western ideals and customs, the Bush administration sent a group of anti-feminists to Iraq to help train Iraqi women on how to become modern western women.

First Lady, Laura Bush, is spearheading the drive. "We think it is very important that the women of Iraq learn how to be modern 21st century women. We'll teach them that they don't have to walk five paces behind their husbands. One and half paces will do nicely. It's important that they break free from the oppression that they suffered under Saddam Hussein's Islamic regime and learn to live in a kinder, gentler, oppression that women in Christendom endure."

The group, known as the Betty Crocker Society, will teach women the basics of how to live like a modern, moral, Christian woman: learning how to bake cookies for your family; learning how to sew clothes, crochet quilts and macramé plant hangers; learning how to cook for your man; learning the basics of Tupperware; learning how to endure the unpleasantness of sex for five minutes, twice a year; learning that your husband is always right about everything; and learning how to stand by your man even when he gets drunk, beats you, and cheats on you.

Betty Crocker spokesman, Doris Lamb said, "It's vital that Iraqi women learn their place is in the home. We've gotten the wrong message these past thirty years from all those feminists: that you're just as good as a man; that you can be anything you want; that you can earn your own living. What a crock! Only your husband can provide for you and your family. You just smile, shake your pretty little head and say 'Yes, dear!' Now that doesn't mean you can't have your own opinions. You just never speak them aloud. That's the way God intended things to be."

Feminist Emily St. James was outraged at the new program. "This sets back the women's movement thirty years. Everything that we've fought for will be obliterated with this irresponsible program. The Iraqi women need to become educated. They need to become independent and able to take care of themselves. They need to be in control of their own bodies. They need to know that they can make a difference in their world. This program teaches them to be dependent on others, be completely obedient and subservient to men and to not even try to improve their world."

Conservative talk show host, Rush Limbaugh dismissed St. James' comments. "Emily St. James is just another raving lunatic femi-nazi. My fellow Americans, in order for America to return to it's past greatness, women need to know their place: in the kitchen, serving up nachos, cheese and beer to us men while we do manly things like play poker, smoke cigars, watch football on television and pat each others asses. Yes, I think that uppity St. James needs a real man like me. Yes, a macho man like yours truly could definitely help her rediscover her womanhood and I think my listeners know what I mean."

Iraqi women seemed less than enthusiastic about the effort thus far. A woman named Sabeeya said, "These women are not impressing me. Like yesterday, they came into my hut and asked me where the microwave oven was. I pointed to my mud oven and they talked real slow, 'Noooo. Miii-crooo-waaave.' Then they seemed upset when I told them they'd have to walk a couple of miles to the river for some water. They just about fainted when I told them where the rest room was. I do not think they grasp how we live here."

Another woman, Ayah, said, "I don't think the pearls and high heels will go very well with my burqa. Besides, vacuuming the floor in my home makes no sense. It is all dirt. These women are not helping me. They are pissing me off."

Local Fry Cook Takes It To Next Level

By all accounts from eyewitnesses, Hector Ortega, the lunchtime fry cook at Cactus Burger Hut took his job performance to another level last Friday during the post Thanksgiving sales rush of customers.

"Man, Hector was in a zone, man!" said friend co-worker Mark Dolan, who works the grill. "He was projecting like he was psychic. I mean one time, just two people walked in and he put down a couple of basket of fries. We were thinking, 'What are you doing?' Turns out, a couple of minutes later, six more people walked in and they all ordered fries. That was like almost scary!"

Manager Laura James had nothing but praise for Ortega. "I know we've had our differences in the past. Last month I got on his case for over projecting and wasting fries. He was using the Spudzicki fry projecting method, which I think is outdated and flawed. But his performance last Friday was phenomenal. He took his game to another level. We had non-stop crowds for three hours and he didn't get toasted once. Outstanding!" 'Toasted' is a term the Cactus Burger Hut crew members use to describe it when an employee miscalculates and doesn't have a food item ready in time for the customer.

"Hector was such a stud Friday," said Allison Bruce, the cashier. "Mark got toasted so many times, but Hector was rock solid on fries. He can salt my fries any day."

When asked to comment on his astonishing feat, Ortega said calmly, "Hey you know, I was just doing my job. I've been working on my game. I read Spuzicki's The Zen Of Fry Projecting, you know, thinking about how to project better and you know, I just felt it. It was like I was the Karate Kid or something. Spudzicki said 'you must be the fry'. And you know something, Friday, I was the fry. It's kind of cosmic, man!"

Even customers took note of Ortega. John Riley said, "I walked in and placed my order for me, my wife and my two kids and before I even placed my money down, there were four orders of fries sitting on a tray right in front of me. And these were super-sized fries mind you. Now that's service!"

Ortega added, "Yep. I think it's safe to say I'm going to get that 15 cent an hour raise next year. No question!"

Top 2004 Holiday Gift Ideas

It's that time of year again. It's time to go holiday shopping for the special loved ones in your life. As usual, there are hot ticket items, which seem to be on everyone's wish list. The BilgeBucket staff has risen to the task and has compiled a list of the must have items for this years holiday season. Like we recommended last year, be sure to print this out and take it with you to the mall!

	A flu shot
	Texas Hold 'Em Poker Starter Set - For Kids
	Studded Dog Collar endorsed by Lynndie England
	Mazeltel's Adam Sandler Bobblehead Dreidel
	A Malibu Condi Doll - Lil' Secretary of State Edition
	Sorelco's Pubic Hair Trimmer
	Pischer Frice's My First AK-47 - For Kids
	Gangsta Rapper Dogg P. Diddly Piddly's I Saw Mommy Knockin' Da Boots With Santa Claus
	A stylish Martha Stewart Orange Jumpsuit
	Official Ron Artest Boxing Gloves
	A barrel of flaxseed oil with the Barry Bonds Seal of Approval
	A barrel of crude oil with the Dick Cheney Seal of Approval
	A barrel of hot love oil with the Bill O'Reilly Seal of Approval
	Fear Factor Bug And Testicle Blender - For Kids
	Combat Jesus Inspirational Figurine with Kung-Fu Grip
	My Favorite Kwanzaa Memories by George W. Bush