Republicans Über Alles

Well the 2004 Presidential election has come and gone. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how I feel about another four years of President Dubya. In case you brainwaves haven't noticed, the staff here at the BilgeBucket Gazette tends to lean a bit to the left. So needless to say, we're not happy campers. But we've all been coping in different ways.

Beulah Snodgrass went on a gambling and sex binge in Vegas. She not only didn't pick up any men or women, she lost her social security money for the month playing craps. When Dubya privatizes social security, she won't last long. She'll be pushing shopping carts in Cactus Corners Park within a year. Dex Rexter visited some of his 'girlfriends' down on Van Buren Street. Nothing will take your mind off a blown election like a good venereal disease. Poor Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer was extremely upset. Sticking with the VD theme, he was cursing and swearing like a sailor with gonorrhea in the Philippines. Lamebeard the Pirate, swore he'd paddle his mighty pink schooner, the Cactus Wren to Washington and show that 'scurvy dog' Bush a thing or two. After an afternoon of nursing a bottle of the Captain, he changed his plans to napping on the office couch. Shirley Ray Bodine decided to go down to Acapulco with a wealthy gentleman client who likes to get manicures at her salon. He also runs an illegal cock-fighting ring down in South Phoenix. He told her he had plenty of cocks down in Mexico for her to look at. We haven't heard from her since. I don't know how Sanjay feels about things. You know why? He lives in India! Dad burn job stealer! That useless glob of protoplasm, Gomy Dinkman, didn't seem to be bothered at all with the outcome. He just shrugged things off and said, "It doesn't bother me. I can still play video games." I hate to be the bearer of bad news, you little good fer nothin' whippersnapper, but you're prime drafting age, and if we invade Iran, Uncle Sam will be wanting you. On second thought, Gomy's such a useless bag of bones, maybe they'll pay him not to enlist. Finally, the whole week after the election, I was walking around like a cranky old fussbudget, insulting people and complaining about everything I see. You might say, isn't that how you usually act you old grouch. Well, you smart-alecky varmints, this is different!

What really lances my boil is the sheep-like complacency the American public has with this administration. Now I realize that in Christianity, it's taught that you should be the sheep and let Jesus be your shepherd. But this is ridiculous. You shouldn't be a sheep when your leader is a wolf in sheep's clothing. They don't even realize the agenda the leaders of the Republican Party, or should I say, the Republican Empire, have for this country. I mean that smarmy Karl Rove has pretty much made it clear, he wants one party 'über alles' with no dissent, no obstruction to what the party wants, no questions asked. Excuse me, but isn't that what we whined and complained about the Soviet Union for umpty nine years? Isn't that why the Nazis were hated and despised in World War II?

Now I got nothing agin' most Republicans. Hell, I used to be a Republican. Ahhh, those were the days: Alger Hiss, Joe McCarthy, Leave it to Beaver. What exciting naïve times for a middle aged Chester Einstein! I was an advisor to both Ike and Barry Goldwater. I told Ike in the 1956 presidential race, he needed to make fun of Adlai Stevenson's first name. I told him, "Adlai. What is that? A girl's name?" He didn't listen to me. He fired me as a matter of fact. That led to my first go-round as a carnie geek. Eight years later, I was somehow advising Goldwater. I told him to promise that we'd nuke the moon if he won just so those commie bastards couldn't get their hands on it. He didn't listen to me either, but he didn't fire me. But he put me on latrine duty. You could say I was definitely on his shit list. Of course the funny thing is, both Eisenhower and Goldwater would be liberal Republicans if they were alive today and Cheney, Rummy and Rove would be slinging muck at them, too.

In a grander sense, our society seems to be obsessed with conglomerating everything into one big entity: one political party, one supermart, one media owner. I thought we outlawed monopolies. Well making things bigger doesn't necessarily make things better. And I ain't talkin' about penis implants you perverts. America is about competition. America is about the little guy rising up and carving out a niche for himself. America is about being a melting pot of contrasting ideas, cultures, and peoples. I hate to use a Star Trek reference, because I can't stand those geeks, especially those little nerds who learn Klingon. Come on! It's a made up language for a made up race of space people. Geez! Learn a valuable language like Spanish, Bulgarian or Tonganese. Oops! Where was I going with this tripe? Oh yeah! But we're becoming like the Borg: assimilate into the Republican fold; resistance is futile; become one with the GOP. All that crap! Well, this crusty ol' codger ain't going easy. Like the Klingons say "Wom sa hut!" or roughly translated, "Eat my heinie!"

Well I've written myself hoarse. It's that time of year again when I prepare for my winter solstice dance. Since I'm a pagan, I don't really celebrate Christmas. Like I wrote last year, I just dance around a fire in my back yard in just my tighty whities with deer antlers strapped to my head. It feels a bit chilly this year, though. I think I'll wear my fur loin cloth instead. I don't want Jack Frost nipping at my nuts. Hee-hee!

Seasons Greetings!