Bush Denies Civil War In Iraq; “I Prefers To Call It Sectarian Shenanigans”

President Bush last week dismissed charges that the Iraq War has transformed itself into a civil war. This coming in the face of the bloodiest week of sectarian violence since Bush’s Iraqi adventure began in March 2003. Even the Iraqi Study Group headed by George H.W. Bush’s secretary of State James Baker is expected to release a report recommending a complete withdrawal of troops by 2008.

“Iraq is not in a civil war, people,” protested Bush defiantly. “It’s not, it’s not, it’s not! Sure it’s tough going over there. No question about it. No question. But a civil war? Nuh-uh. No way. I would say the situation is more like…to put it in technical terms…sectarian shenanigans. Yep. I officially prefers to call it sectarian shenanigans. That’s all it is people. And Al-Qaeda is fomenting the violence with even more shenanigans. Did you notice I used the word foment? Aren’t you impressed? I’ve been reading. Books!” He then squinted and looked around at the press corps nodding his head.

Bush continued, “There's one thing I'm not going to do, I'm not going to pull our troops off the battlefield before the mission is accomplished. Er… wait a second… I know what you’re thinking. I said ‘Mission Accomplished’ three and a half years ago. God, has it been that long ago? See the mission actually was accomplished but then it became unaccomplished. See it’s complicated stuff, this civil war business…er…I mean sectarian shenanigan business. It’s really, really,…umm….” Bush then trailed off, made several faces like he was trying to think and added, “Have you heard the latest about Britney Spears? Geez, I thought that marriage would last forever.”

White House National Security Advisor, Stephen Hadley, said, “The Iraqis don’t talk of it as a civil war. At least the two Iraqis I talked to said it wasn’t. So there you have it: conclusive evidence that this is just, like the President said, sectarian shenanigans.”

Despite Bush’s insistence to the contrary, media outlets are calling the conflict a civil war. The Los Angeles Times noted that it started using the term back in October to little fanfare. MSNBC has started using a ‘civil war’ graphic in its coverage of the conflict and the BilgeBucket Gazette, the leading satirical webzine in Cactus Corners, Arizona has gone even further by calling it a ‘goddamn clusterf**k!’ Despite all this, Fox News continues to call the war ‘the super fantabulistic war that Americans can’t get enough of’.

Democrats are also seizing on the findings of the Baker report to pressure the President to develop an exit strategy for Iraq. Nevada Democratic Senator Harry Reid said, “The Iraqi Study Group is concluding that we need to start extracting our troops and that the Iraqis are going to have to take control. I mean, does Jim Baker have to take President Bush out to the woodshed for this to happen? Hell, I’ve still got a hickory switch lying around. I’ll be glad to do it.”

Even Bush’s former Secretary of State, Colin Powell, has stated that the Iraq War is now a civil war. “By all standards available, this struggle is clearly now a civil war. What should we do to get ourselves out of this mess? Don’t ask me. I jumped off this train wreck two years ago. Listen to Rummy instead of me will you. I’ll see you in hell, Dubya. I’ll see you in hell!!”

White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, defended the President and dismissed reports of a leaked memo that said the United States has lost confidence in Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. “President Bush is supremely confident in Prime Minister al-Maliki. He just needs more assistance to comb out the rough spots, unsnarl the tangled knots and smooth it all out with a nice layer of Brylcream. A little dab’ll do ya! Why just the other day, I heard President Bush say he thought Prime Minister al-Maliki was doing a heckuva job.”

Bush also suggested that Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki should be developing a plan to ease the tensions between Sunnis, Shiites, Kurds, and other factions battling for power in the region. “If al-Mailki wants to arrange talks between the Sunnis and Shias, that’s fine. If al-Maliki wants to reach out to Iran and Syria for help, I’m fine with that. If the Iraqi people want us to get the hell out of there, I’m fi…wait a second. Almost lost my head there. We’re staying the course. Wait a second. We’re not staying the course either anymore. Poppy! Uncle Jim! Help!!”

Black Friday Leaves Shoppers Black And Blue

The annual Shopping Blitzkreig at Cactus Corners Mall on the Friday after Thanksgiving left many people black and blue as shoppers tried to take advantage of huge sales in an effort to get a head start on Christmas shopping.

“Wow! Was that brutal!” said Nyla Swanson as she stood on a crutch. “I was trying to get a Screaming Mimi doll for my little Jessica and all of a sudden I got blindsided by some gray haired grandma. I went flying into some cribs and broke my leg. Before I got injured though, I did manage to pick up some sweaters at a five for one deal at Old Coast Guard so it wasn’t a total bust.”

Gary Walker, who was wearing sunglasses to hide a black eye, said, “Never ever get in the way of a woman rushing to buy shoes. Some truck of a woman elbowed me right in the eye as we were trying to get into Shoe Barn. I didn’t know what hit me. I went down like a bag of cement. The next thing I know I’m a human carpet with people stepping on me to get in. My ribs got cracked, but at least I can breathe now. I should be healed by Christmas.”

Heidi Kemmel, a cashier at Juggermart, couldn’t believe how aggressive people were. “I was shocked! I mean there were these grown women slapping each other around over Tupperware. This one guy even tackled another guy so his wife could get one of those electronic sudoku gadgets that were on sale. If you ask me, this certainly isn’t the way to start the Christmas season.”

Security officer, Mike Tomko, said somberly, “I tell you it looked like Baghdad. The carnage was awful. Children were crying. We were taking people out on stretchers over at K.C. Benneys. Black Friday? Black Friday indeed my friends. Black Friday indeed.”

Nationally, sales were up 6% from 2005. This made many managers and store owners very happy. K.C. Benney’s spokesman, Duane Lendlemann said, “We have seen brisk traffic in all our stores. It seems that this year’s hot items include home entertainment, fashion jewelry, housewares, K-Fed CDs and chia pets. Those chia pets; they never go out of style!”

Barry Iverson, head manager at Armand St. Bouvier boutique, gushed. “Oh my God! I’m so tickled with the sales! My cosmetics were just flying off the counter. My Christmas came early this year. Oooooo hooooo hooooo! I just had an orgasm!”

Susan Jenkins summed up her experience. “Sure I got a concussion, got two teeth knocked out and got knifed in the side, but I saved almost 50% on Ferragamo pumps. You’re damn right it was worth it!”

Dead Priest Misses Out On Sainthood Again

Recently, Pope Benedict XVI canonized five new saints while once again passing over former Missouri priest Fr. Buford Wiggins. Wiggins, died fifty years ago on a farm while attempting to stop a wedding of a man and his male cousin when he tripped into a moonshine still and triggered an explosion killing himself in the process. Wiggins, has become very distraught over the repeated snubbings.

“I’ve been sitting up here in the great beyond playing the banjo for half a century and I still gets no respect,” said Wiggins, puffing on a corncob pipe. “Whaddya gotta do to be a saint? Not to take anything away from that Reverend Cruchaga, but I worked with the young and the poor, too. But I got blown to kingdom come trying to stop the unsanctity of a gay wedding. Doesn’t that count for something, Goddamnit! Ooops! Good thing I’m already in heaven.”

Another rejectee, Brunhilda Von Mannheim, a devout schoolteacher in 1940’s Germany who was killed by the SS, said “I, too, am vexed by not being chosen. Come on. The new Pope is German. I thought I’d be a shoo-in. Shouldn’t the saint making process be done by God or some of the other saints here in heaven? Why should humans on a tiny little planet floating in galaxy ASPWQ12489393877, sector ZNCB8376676667368743887, quadrant LJJYW93439892877492 decide who gets to be the holiest of the holy? Quite frankly, I think the Grumplians on planet Felxnar in galaxy KDKLS889478923787, sector HWWEU834893888, quadrant RSBCX7673643628 are far better suited to choose saints. I know, my friend Yeep, who is a Grumplian, is highly upset that he isn’t a saint. He was strung up by his doobledorn for his beliefs. Humans don’t even know he even exists for that matter. It’s very frustrating for him.”

Heaven spokesman, St. Peter said, “People, people…calm down. Not everyone can be a saint okay. I know some of you died spectacular deaths and we appreciate it, we really do. But it’s a numbers thing okay. I tell you what. I’ll talk to J.C. and see if you people can’t get promoted to angel or something okay?”

Wiggins continued his rantings. “No one prays to me. I want people to start praying to Saint Buford of the Still. Well that tears it! It’s all a racket! That Pope John Paul bypasses me and now his buddy Benedict puts him on the fast track for sainthood. That Benedict wouldn’t know a real saint if he came up and flogged himself right in front of him. I tell you what. I know a few creatures up here. I’m going to get a whole bunch of Blovards from the planet Rigel BX10 in galaxy PEWKD843827492898, sector LMEUR763647626482, quadrant ILEJD3674264623877 and go down to Earth and do a little haunting with my friends. Those Blovards look like Roseanne Barr on steroids. That ought to put the fear of God in Pope Benny and get me sainted.”

Top New Characters On Grey’s Anatomy

Grey’s Anatomy is one of television’s hottest shows and has spawned two of TV’s most talked about characters; ‘Dr. McDreamy’, Derek Shepherd, played by Patrick Dempsey and ‘Dr. McSteamy’, Mark Sloan, played by Eric Dane. For some reason, women go nuts over these ‘hunky’ guys and arguments over who is the hunkiest have surfaced around water coolers all over America. Female staff member Shirley Ray Bodine, just loves Dr. McDreamy and never misses an episode. The male members of the staff just don’t understand why. I know what you’re saying; we’re just jealous. Ha! That’s not it at all. It’s just…well… it’s just… you know…what do we…that we’re…okay, we’re jealous as hell! Nobody ever coos over us and calls us dreamy or steamy. What are we? K-Fed? Hello, lonely human males here… uh-hum… anyhoo, we’ve heard that the writers plan to introduce a few more hunky McCharacters in the upcoming episodes. Here’s the run down of the new ‘studs’ and their McSummaries. McBastards!

	Dr. McStreamy – Hunky urologist with a bladder control problem
	Dr. McPreemy – Hunky sex therapist with a premature ejaculation problem
	Dr. McSeamy – Hunky surgeon who just loves sewing
	Dr. McCreamy – Hunky allergist who is lactose intolerant
	Dr. McBeamy – Hunky alcoholic doctor who can’t get enough of a certain brand of whiskey
	Dr. McGleamy – Hunky dentist with a Pepsodent smile
	Dr. McReamy – Hunky gynecologist who...well...you know
	Dr. McA-Teamy – Hunky resident who dresses like Mr. T
	Dr. McScreamy – Hunky psychiatrist who’s easily frightened
	Dr. McSchemy – Hunky D.O. who’s ambitiously plotting to become chief hunky doctor
	Dr. McSashimi – Hunky Russian radiologist who likes raw fish
	Dr. McSqueamy – Hunky gastroenterologist with irritable bowel syndrome
	Dr. McBulimy – Hunky dietician who has an eating disorder
	Dr. McThemey – Hunky proctologist who’s really gay and likes Dr. McSteamy