Chester Einstein's Words of Wisdom

Well the 2006 elections have come and gone and all I’ve got to say is: Hot diggity! I’ve got my groove back! For the first time since double aught (that’s 2000, not 1900 you wiseacres!), I’ve got a warm fuzzy feeling that’s not indigestion, senility or inebriation. The Democrats finally did something right and remembered how to get elected. Or rather, people got fed up with the Republican crooks in Congress and voted their corporate kissing asses out of office. Happy days are here again and I’m not talking about that delightful ‘70s sitcom starring Donny Most.

Now I know what you’re saying; isn’t it too soon to be declaring that all is well in the world. Well, you’re right for once, brainwaves. The Democrats have been doing wonderful impersonations of jellyfish for the last five years. They’ve hardly been brave, insightful, inspiring leaders. Take Joe Lieberman…please take him! I can’t stands the simpering whiner. How he got re-elected, I’ll never know! But you can’t get much worse than those Republicans. They’re supposed to be fiscally conservative and they’ve done nothing but run up the deficit, national debt and government spending. What a friggin’ joke! Barry Goldwater’s rolled over in his grave so many times he’s drilled a hole to China!

I don’t expect the Democrats to be miracle workers. I mean look at that mess in Iraq. Talk about Messopotamia! What? That terms already been used repeatedly by other more gifted satirists. Well tough nettles! From what I’ve been seeing, the Democrats aren’t getting any honeymoon the way Dubya got. The media was sweet on his ass for five years and they’re still taking it easy on that nitwit. But already, the so called ‘liberal’ media is already carping about the Democrats and what a blunder that Nancy Pelosi made in choosing John Murtha for majority leader. Why I was watching CBS news, not because it has solid journalism but because I like looking at Katie Couric’s gams, and she said that they would be keeping score on how the Democrats do. Well why the hell weren’t you keeping score when the Republicans were in control, huh? Oh, that’s right. They’re more trustworthy. Can you say Randall Cunningham, Tom Delay and Mark Foley?

At least that blowhard, J.D. Hayworth, lost his congressional seat here in Arizona. Criminitlies, how that boy gets my dander up! He used to be a blustery sportscaster here in the Valley. Then he became a blustery congressman during the ‘Republican Revolution’ or as I call it, ‘The Dark Ages’. That boy lost by six percent and he still wouldn’t concede the race. But when he won in ’96, he was only ahead by 590 votes after election night. But that bombastic jerk couldn’t call the race fast enough, demanding that his opponent concede. That Harry Mitchell showed him though. He wouldn’t say he won until Hayworth conceded and even then he said he’d wait until the vote count was complete until he declared himself the winner. Way to go! Give ‘em hell, Harry!

Well, I’m poopled. All this ranting about has plum tuckered me out. It’s time to finish up my cactus grooming, get myself an afternoon glass of tea and watch Oprah. Yes, everything seems a little bit better now; the needles on my cacti seem smoother, my peppermint tea seems mintier, and Oprah seems...Oprahier. Here’s hoping everyone has a Happy Holiday season.