The Bucket Takes A Break

The BilgeBucket Gazette will be on hiatus for the next month or two. We're taking a break for the holidays but we're also planning to remodel our spacious 500 square foot office. We'll be adding desks and chairs so we don't have to sit on the floor anymore. We'll also be remodeling our web site. We want to add and subtract features and somehow make it appealing to more people than just the folks in Cactus Corners, Arizona. Finally, we'll be remodeling our staff. Will we finally send staff dickwad, Gomy Dinkman, on permanent assignment to Baghdad, Iraq? Will we outsource Sanjay Tandoori's job to China? Will Lamebeard the Pirate ever stop raving about the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Stay tuned and find out! In the mean time, please feel free to peruse our archives. Have a happy and safe Holiday season and may the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his noodly appendages!

Bush, Cheney Support Musharraf’s State of Emergency; “We Are Sooooo Jealous!”

President Bush and Vice President Cheney have both come forward to voice their support for Pakistan’s embattled President Pervez Musharraf even after he hastily declared a state of emergency to prevent any further dissident action thus granting him unlimited power and delaying democratic elections indefinitely.

President Bush said, “We still support Pervy, that’s my little nickname for him. We think he’s doing a heckuva job. Sometimes you’ve just got to declare a state of emergency and take over everything. We are sooooo jealous! Take next year’s elections. Now I may have to declare a state of emergency if say a certain country that rhymes with Die-Man comes up with nuclear weapons and we start fighting another war agin’ terror and some pussy Democrat gets elected. I may have to intervene on God’s behalf and take charge of the country, because as we all know; only Republicans can keep this country safe.”

Vice President Cheney emerged from his underground lair and offered his encouragement. “I admire the hell out of that bastard. My God I wish we could do that. But nooooooooooooooo! We’ve got a ‘democracy’. I think I may move to Pakistan and become Musharraf’s Prime Minister. Now that’s the way to run a country. Keep the sheep scared. That keeps every one in line and keeps the people who are supposed to be in power in power. Capiche.”

Opposition leaders and former Pakistan Prime Ministers, Benazir Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif expressed their dismay at Musharraf’s actions. Bhutto said, “If President Musharraf is serious about establishing a democracy in Pakistan, then he must end the state of emergency and have elections as soon as possible. He must also provide protection for me so I can move freely throughout the country without fear of assassination. Then I can return as prime minister since the majority of the people want me to be their leader.”

Sharif, who was overthrown in a bloodless coup by Musharraf in 1999, replied. “The people want me as their leader. You were one of the most corrupt leaders ever in Pakistan. You laundered money and made shady military deals with foreign nations.”

Bhutto responded, “You were one of the most unstable leaders Pakistan has had. You couldn’t even stop Musharraf from taking over back in 1999. I think the Pakistani people want a leader who is more in touch with what is going on the modern world.”

“Shazbat! You supported the Taliban!” screamed Sharif.

“But they gained strength under your rule,” snapped Bhutto.

“Oh yeah! We’ll I’m rubber and you’re glue. Your words bounce off me and stick to you.”

“Oh yeah! Well up your nose with a rubber hose.”

President Musharraf then interrupted the squabbling ex-Prime Ministers by saying, “Enough! You nattering nanny goats! Both of you are going to your rooms without any supper. And martial law will end when I say it ends and not any sooner.” The trio then continued to argue for several more hours, often erupting into slap fights and noogies.

Al-Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden, who watched the unfolding drama on his television set from his split-level cave in Pakistan’s Northwest Frontier, smiled with pleasure while twiddling his fingers together. “Excellent my pretties! Everything is going according to plan. Soon my rabid followers will unseat the Three Stooges from their perch and my henchmen will gain control of the country and the nuclear arsenal. Then I shall teach the Great Satan a lesson it will never forget. Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!” Bin Laden then paused and added, “Oh and a Merry Christmas to everyone in America and a Happy Hanukah to all my Jewish friends out there. And remember...don't drink and drive. Peace out.”

Saudi Rape Victim Punished; Rapists Get Cars, Camels

The Saudi Arabian government has not only defended their decision to punish a 19 year old female rape victim but has now decided to change the sentence for the rapists. Instead of getting 2-9 years in prison, each of the seven rapists will now receive a car and a camel for their inconvenience.

Saudi government spokesman, Mahmoud Al-Saram, said, “We in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia feel this is a just punishment. This girl was in public with a man who was not her husband. I can’t think of a more disgraceful act. The punishment is justified by the Koran. Those boys who raped her were only doing their duty to their kingdom and to Allah. Why should they have to suffer because this tart was out in public with a man who is not her husband? She was asking for it I tell you.”

One of the rapists Hakim Al-Jakar said, “Like Sheik Al-Saram has said, that girl was asking for it the way she was standing there with that other man. Just standing there. That proves she needed to be put in her place.”

Another rapist, Jamal Al-Mafari, expressed relief of the new lighter sentence. “Oh praise Allah. I could really use a shiny, new camel.”

Lynn Dougan of the International Human Rights Society blasted the Saudi’s decision. “This is an outrage! This woman was brutally raped by seven men and she is punished? And now the seven men are getting rewarded. I think it’s time the United States rethinks its relationship with this country. This is inexcusable behavior for a 21st century society.”

Al-Saram responded to the negative criticism. “Listen you high and mighty Americans. You are in no position to tell us what to do. Would you like us to cut you off from your precious oil? You need us. We own you bitch. Now bend over America and take it like a 19 year old girl who is out in public without her husband.”

President Bush responded to the Saudi’s pronouncement by saying, “Ummm…I’m afraid Mr. Al-Saram has a point there. Remember, Saudi Arabia, just like Pakistan, is our ally. They’ve got lots and lots and lots and lots of oil; beautiful, smelly, black oil. They are our bestest friends. As you know, I’m really close with King Abdullah. We’ve held hands you know…but not in a gay way. I promise I’ll have a good talk with him someday really soon. I’ll just pencil him in here on my Family Circus calendar for January 21st, 2009. Heh, heh.”

Zeus Admits He’s Teasing Georgians

Zeus, the one true God of the Universe, admitted this past week from his home on Mt. Olympus, that the devasting drought that is affecting much of the United States and especially Georgia has all been done as a joke to tease humans.

“Hah, hah, hah,” laughed Zeus. “That was a good one. I especially enjoyed when all those people prayed to ‘God’ for rain. I sent a few sprinkles and they got all excited. They thought ‘God’ was answering their prayers. Guess what! That’s all they’re going to get. I am the one true God of the Universe and yet these silly humans worship Allah, Yahweh, and God. It never ceases to amuse me that they pray for salvation and admission into a non existent after life instead of performing acts which will ensure their species and other species survival on Earth. Hera says I’m a real bastard for toying with them, but it’s so much fun. Poseidon is really psyched that because of global warming, he’s going to get a little more real estate. And Ares is really jazzed about the possibility of a war with Iran. Bring it on, right Bush. Hah, hah, hah. It’s a golden age here on Mt. Olympus.”

Several Georgians still refuse to believe that Zeus is the one true God of the Universe and continue to pray to the Christian God. Zelda Higgins of Atlanta said, “Zeus Smeus! Nobody can tell me God didn’t answer our prayers. Sure it was only an inch or so this past month but it was our fault because we didn’t specify how much rain. If we would have asked for 16 inches of rain, I’m sure he would have supplied it.”

Fellow Atlantan Robert Forster said, “Zeus Smeus! Our God is a loving God and he is a vengeful God! He giveth and he taketh away! I believe he’s bringing upon this drought upon the good people in Georgia because of all the gay-loving, abortion-loving, terrorist-loving liberal secular humanists living elsewhere in this country. That’s why instead of wiping out the blue states that are full of liberals, he’s taking it out on the red states because he loves us so much. Yeah. That makes sense.”

Daryl Krauss of Lawrenceville said, “Zeus Smeus! My God is the Flying Spaghetti Monster and I sense his noodly appendages behind this drought. Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster; deliver us from dryness.”

Zeus, growing impatient with the non-believers, then smote Higgins and Forster with a lightning bolt but sent a small cloud to rain over the head of Krauss. Zeus explained, “Those other two really annoyed me, but the guy who believes in the Flying Spaghetti Monster; he amuses me. He’s fresh. I think I’ll taunt him for awhile.”

Employee Reports Self For HR Violation

Last week, Randall Fitzgerald, a programmer for Webbko Industries located in the Cactus Corners Industrial Park, reported himself to the Human Resources department for doing an impression of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, the amiable convenience store clerk from the Simpsons. This is the fifth time he’s reported himself this year.

“Well, I didn’t want to offend anyone, so I just reported myself,” said Fitzgerald. “There are several Indian contractors located around my cubicle. One day my friend Ken was in my cubicle and we were just chatting. Then he said he had to get back to his cube, so I said without thinking, ‘Thank you, come again’, just like Apu does on The Simpsons. Rather than wait for anyone to complain. I just marched right down to HR and reported myself. I’m such a moron.”

Samir Pratel, an Indian programmer who sits in the adjacent cubicle to Fitzgerald didn’t know why he reported himself. “Oh no. I was not offended in the least. As a matter of fact, he did Apu’s voice impeccably. I was thinking to myself, ‘This man is a regular Rich Little with his voices’. I hope Randall is doing many more impersonations for my amusement.”

Emily Taylor, the Human Resources director said, “We think Randall is taking the HR talk a little too strictly. Earlier this month, he reported himself for saying he thought Oprah was stupid and that the women on The View yak too much. Nobody complained about his comment. I even agree with him on The View. My goodness, don’t they ever shut up. But apparently, Mr. P.C. thought he stepped out of bounds. I think someone needs to pull the pole out of his ass.”

Fitzgerald’s friend, George Welker tried to explain Fitzgerald’s behavior. “Well, Fitzy was raised in a typical Irish Catholic household, so he’s got the ol’ guilt complex on everything he does. You should have seen him in college. He apologized for everything. He apologized once for getting the best grade in his class. Then he would apologize for apologizing. God, that was annoying! It sounds like he’s getting somewhat better, but he still needs to lighten up. Hey Fitzy! No one’s paying that much attention to you dude.”

Fitzgerald said, “Yeah, I guess I’m a bit neurotic. I know sometimes I can be a little hard on myself. Oh God. I did it again. I said hard on in public. I better go right down to HR. Then maybe I should stop by church tonight and confess to Fr. McKenna. I am such a screw-up.”

Top 2007 Holiday Gift Ideas

It’s that time of year again; time to spend yourself into bankruptcy. As usual, the BilgeBucket Gazette staff has thoughtfully compiled a list of this year’s top holiday gift ideas. Be sure this print this out and take it with you to the mall. And don’t forget your helmet, spiked gloves and shoulder pads!

	A set of masonry drill bits
	A tin of chocolate covered sardines
	Allahsbro’s ‘Mohammed’ plush bear
	A John Madden Home Telestrator
	Some fine John Edwards hair care products
	A Rudy Giuliani doll with male and female clothing
	A jar of Colon Cleanse
	A barrel of sweet crude
	An O.J. Simpson sports memorabilia kit including football, shrunken leather gloves, and autographed knife
	A Paris Hilton Brand chihuahua
	A pair of Larry Craig tapping shoes
	Mazeltel’s talking Mahmoud Ahmadinejad action figure - complete with denials of the holocaust, nuclear weapons and homosexuality
	A Dennis Kucinich Christmas elf lawn ornament
	Britney Spear’s new fragrance: Eau dat Skank
	A two-night stay at the Ali Baba motorlodge in beautiful downtown Baghdad