Powell Jumps Off Bush Train Wreck

Last week, Secretary of State, Colin Powell, announced that he was resigning his position along with three other cabinet members: Secretary of Agriculture, Anne Veneman; Secretary of Education, Rod Paige; and Secretary of Energy, Spencer Abraham. This is in addition to the resignations of Attorney General, John Ashcroft and Secretary of Commerce, Don Evans, the previous week.

Powell spoke to reporters during a press conference. Powell said to the press in a very congenial manner, "It's been an honor to serve the President and to have made a difference in the war on terror." Then he paused, grimaced and said, "Ah to hell with that good soldier bullshit! Am I glad to get the hell off this train wreck? What the hell do you think? Uncle Dick, Rummy and Wolfowitz were always bullying me: 'Hey what are you a liberal?', 'You must be a little girlie man', 'Scared of little ol' Saddam?' Everyone knows I was the only voice of reason in this confederacy of dunces. Well I'm sick of being an Uncle Tom for these crackers. This administration is going straight into the shitter and I'll be damned if I going along for the ride. Bush has got to be the dumbest, fucking twit I have ever seen. Jesus Christ, I can't believe he got elected for another four years. Go ahead and invade Iran! Go ahead and invade Syria! Hell, go ahead start World War III, you fucking stupid cowboy diplomat. All I know is that you won't have Colin Powell to kick around anymore. By the way, I voted for Kerry, assholes! Choke on it! Peace out!"

Bush later announced that National Security Advisor, Condoleezza Rice, would take over as Secretary of State for his second term. Bush said of Rice, "It's important that we keep the continuity of blacks in high office. Winning the black vote will be very important for my brother Jeb in 2008, when the Bush Express chugs onward. Oh, and she never questions me unlike a certain former Secretary of State whose name rhymes with Bowel. Hey that woulda been funny if his name was Colin Bowel. Get it. Colin. Bowel. That's funny!" Bush then chuckled to himself for ten minutes.

Bush composed himself and continued. "Now, if Powell gets all uppity and writes a tell all book, like those terrorist loving traitors Richard Clarke and Paul O'Neill, well I'll see to it that Colin gets a nice vacation, in a little place called Fallujah. That goes double for all you Democrats that dare question my agenda for the next four years. Remember, I got me a mandate from all those red state Christians I scared the bejeesus out of this past year. That's why I'm stocking my cabinet with people who'll help me spend my political capital. People aren't jumping like rats off a sinking ship, like all you media types are suggesting. I'm just surrounding myself with yes men. And women. Sorry about that Condi."

Rice, recovering from brain surgery, where every last part of gray matter dealing with critical thought was removed, said from her hospital bed, "I'm so happy that my husband...er...my president thinks me so capable. I will do whatever it takes to serve my love...er...my president even if that means lying, exaggerating claims of WMD, or perjuring myself before Congress. Because above all else, I love my man...er... my country. God Bless America only."

Repressed Co-Worker Needs Pole Removed From Ass

Employees at Foobar Industries Corporate Offices have become increasingly fed up with marketing analyst Robert Woodsley. Apparently, it's impossible for anybody to make a sexual reference without Woodsley becoming embarrassed and angry. The forty-year-old conservative evangelical Christian, gets increasingly uptight on other subjects as well, such as scatological humor, homosexuality, evolution, environmentalism, atheism and most any other subjects that aren't complimentary toward Christianity.

"He acts like a six year old," said co-worker Terry Grimes, who sits in an adjacent cubicle. "Last Tuesday some of us guys were sitting around after lunch relaxing and shooting the shit. You know, a guy thing. We were all talking about that Monday Night Football promo where Nicollete Sheridan drops her towel and gives Terrell Owens a big surprise if you know what I mean. We were all talking about what a great body she had, and how we'd all like to do her. We looked over at Robert and his face was red as a lobster. He turns around in a huff, and starts praying. The guy can't even say penis or vagina. They're body parts for Pete's sake. I'm a practicing Catholic but you don't see me getting bent out of shape like that."

Web developer, Steve Campbell said, "Come on. It's sex. Every living organism on the planet has sex. He's had to have sex at least twice; I mean he's got two kids. There are no kids around here. We're all adults. What is the big frigging deal about talking about sex?"

"Robert's a solid professional," said supervisor Gary Palmer. "He always dresses immaculately. He is always courteous and does a decent job. He's certainly isn't the smartest guy here but he always gives a solid effort." Palmer paused and added, "But he does have a rather huge pole up his ass. I mean last month, it was Charlene's last day and the whole department went over to Skipper's for a few beers. Robert doesn't drink, which isn't a problem because none of us are really big drinkers so I explained that to him and he reluctantly went along. Well, a few of the girls got Charlene this monster dildo as a gag going away gift. We were all laughing our asses off, except Robert. He got all red in the face, pushed aside his Shirley Temple and stormed out of the place in a hissy fit. Geez! Lighten up will ya!"

When asked why he thought his co-workers had such a problem with him, he seemed perplexed. "Praise the Lord, I don't know why. I mean if they want to tell jokes about the p-word or the v-word, then they'll have to answer to Satan when they burn in h-e-double hockey sticks. I mean the s-word is evil, Praise the Lord. Only sinners do the s-word. Yes, I sinned twice by having you know, the s-word, but I've got two wonderful kids from that sinful, horrible experience, who believe in God, creationism and death to homosexuals and non-believers. I only hope that when they have to sin to have children, it will be as quick and joyless as when I sinned, Praise the Lord."

Local Son-In-Law Just Trying Too Hard

The consensus among most people close the Hutchinson family in the Cactus Showers subdivision, is that the antics of Kate Hutchinson's new husband Dale Bowers toward Kate's parents, Don and Miriam Hutchinson bordered on the pathetic, when the four met for dinner at the Sizzle Pit Steak House last Friday evening.

"Wow! That boy was laying it on thicker than Jay Leno!" said family friend, Kent MacDonald. "I was sitting in the booth next to theirs. He said things like, 'Oh my Mrs. Hutchinson. You look like you could be Kate's sister.' 'Mr. Hutchinson, you look like you could play for the Cardinals.' 'I cherish Kate, my little snookie-wookie, with every fiber of my being'. Puke! I almost blew chow."

According to many witnesses, several times during the course of the dinner, Bowers made a complete ass of himself in an attempt to do something for the Hutchinsons. He almost punched Kate as he flailed to reach the wine bottle quickly enough to refill Mrs. Hutchinson's empty glass. He then offered to cut Mr. Hutchinson's steak for him. It was agreed the most annoying event was when Bowers asked how everyone's dinner every two minutes. When Mrs. Hutchinson said her steak was a little under done but was still delicious, Bowers threw down his napkin and yelled for the waiter. When he appeared, Bowers balled him out, called him an 'incompetent boob' and ordered him to take the steak back and cook it right or else 'there would be hell to pay'.

"That boy was just trying too hard," commented septuagenarian Betty Flowers, who was seated nearby. "The whole meal, it was just a constant stream of fawning servility. And that whole scene with the waiter and the steak. If I were that waiter I would've beat the shit out of him. That Bowers boy needed a valium. Or a good swift kick in the ass."

When asked about his new son-in-law, Don Hutchinson said, "Well I love my daughter Kate very much. And I want nothing more than her to be happy. And if this groveling little wiener makes her happy, then so be it." Then he grumbled to himself. "Cut my steak. What the hell was that about? I was a star quarterback in college. I'll cut his steak, the little jerk."

Mrs. Hutchinson was a little more complimentary. "It's nice to know my daughter has snagged such an obsequious little toady," she said as she took a drag off her cigarette. "She'll have him wrapped around her little finger in no time. Then she can divorce him, take all his money and marry someone worthwhile. Just like I should've done." She then gulped down her Vodka Collins. She then grumbled to herself. "Twenty five years married to an sneaker salesman. Pinch me. I must be dreaming."

Bowers, who works as a salesman for Brighton Stationary Supplies, defended his sycophancy. "I just wanted to let Mom and Dad know that I think the world of them. These two saintly people brought my little ray of sunshine into the world. I mean Mom Hutchinson carried my snookie-wookie in her womb for nine months and bore her. I wish I could've been there to see that moment." Bowers then started tearing up.

Bowers' waiter, college student Josh Sullivan, said the next day, "Oh, I got back at him. Let's just say that wasn't flan he ate for dessert."

Tips For A Successful Job Interview

Although there's been some improvement lately, it's still a tough job market out there folks. It's very important to make a good impression in order to get that good job. Therefore, dressing and acting properly for the series of job interviews is imperative. We at the BilgeBucket are here to help. We've put our heads together, without cracking them I might add, and managed to come up with several tips for you to look and perform at your best during that all-important interview.

	Make yourself memorable; dress like a famous character from history like George Washington, Hitler or Liberace
	Bring a top hat, cane, and CD player and do a dance routine to Pink Floyd's 'Money'
	Quote from Dr. Seuss often and early; nobody likes one who is stupid and surly
	Women should wear respectable business attire like hot pants, a low cut blouse, thigh high stockings, and six inch stiletto pumps
	Men should wear respectable business attire like hot pants, a low cut blouse, thigh high stockings, and six inch stiletto pumps
	Bring a violin case containing some influence, if you know what we mean
	Bring a whoopee cushion and keep raising and lowering in your seat to lighten the mood
	Start talking in Arabic and finish each sentence by saying 'Allah Akbar!'
	Right in the middle of your interview, excuse yourself and call a friend on your cell phone to say everything is going great
	Bring along your posse and have them stand menacingly behind you
	If in a red state, just start talking about how much you love NASCAR racing, shooting your gun and praying to Jesus
	If in a blue state, ask if the company has a branch office in Canada
	Just lean over the desk, grab the interviewer by the collar and say, "Just give me a fucking job, you moron!"