BilgeBucket Gazette To Issue On Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

The BilgeBucket Gazette, Cactus Corners finest satirical webzine, will now release new issues on every other Sunday evening instead of every other Thursday evening.

"We just decided Sundays just worked better for us," said Dex Rexter, editor in chief. "I mean let's face it. We sit on our asses for 13 days and then throw crap together at the last minute any way. This gives us the whole weekend to do it."

The next issue will appear on December 7,2003.

Boykin Named Crusader Of The Year

Lt. General William Boykin, the controversial deputy undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence and Special Operations was named Crusader of the Year by the President Bush in a ceremony at the Virginia Beach Headquarters of the Christian Coalition.

"As you all know, me and last year's Crusader of the Year, John Ashcroft, are really tight with God," said Bush in his speech. "God told us that he likes the cut of Billy Boy's jib. So it is with great pleasure that I present Billy Boy the Crusader of The Year award. He is a true Christian soldier. Get it. He's a soldier and he's Christian." Bush then chuckled to himself for several minutes.

Boykin has received much criticism for his recent statements about the war on terror as being a religious battle between Christians and the Muslims, who are supposedly agents of Satan. He has since received little admonishment from the Bush administration.

Pat Robertson was gratuitous with his enthusiasm for Boykin. "No one exemplifies the words of Christ more than Billy when he said in Somalia, 'I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol.' What a shining example of Christendom!"

Bush strongly denies that his lack of reprimand for Boykin means that he is anti-Muslim. "It's not that we have a problem with the Muslim people," said Bush. "It's just their wacky religion. Once we get a foothold in Iraq, we'll convert 'em to the right religion."

New Sleep Aid Keeps Soldiers Awake For Days

Pharmaceutical giant Drugzilla, announced it has developed a sleep aid that can keep soldiers awake for days if necessary.

"This is a phenomenal breakthrough for the American soldier," said a beaming Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. "This ranks right up there with K-rations, the pinup calendar and Preparation-H. No more inconvenient interruptions from the Sandman. Just go-go-go every hour of every day. Yes, our boys will love this!"

John Abizaid, the Commander of Central Command, agreed. "This will be a great help. Now our boys won't have to be bothered with the mundane chore of rest. Now they can be the best automatons they can be."

"Oh boy!" said Army private Jay Brown, stationed in Baghdad. "Sleep is so overrated. It's nice to know I can keep working 24/7. By the way, you wouldn't want to shoot me would you?"

Frumpy Housewife Disses Sexpot

Local housewife Mildred Lumpkin, sitting with her balding husband of thirty years, Herbert, at the Cactus Corner's Dennys, completely dissed sexpot Krista Malloy yesterday. Malloy, a statuesque blonde cosmetologist, was walking to her car from a nearby Mervyns at the time.

"Look at that shameless hussy," complained Mrs. Lumpkin. "She's just like those floozies on Sex and the City. I've heard she dates a new man every weekend. Isn't that horrible Herbert?" Her husband nodded nervously and munched on a chicken wing.

Mrs. Lumpkin continued her rant. "Jane Rosemont says that she once saw her kiss a woman in a bar just like that Madonna did with that little slut Britney Spears. Who would like that kind of stuff? Would you like that Herbert?" Herbert Lumpkin shook his head sheepishly and gnawed on his corn on the cob.

"I can't believe some of the outfits she wears," sneered Mrs. Lumpkin. "I mean those mini-skirts, high heels and tight sweaters. It leaves nothing to the imagination. Now take the moo-moo I'm wearing. No one imagines anything looking at this. Isn't that right, Herbert?" Mr. Lumpkin stifled a laugh by stuffing a piece of pumpkin pie into his mouth.

After Mrs. Lumpkin excused herself and visited the rest room, Herbert Lumpkin lamented, "God, what I wouldn't give for one night with that gorgeous, sexpot, floozie. Instead, I got the bearded lady." Lumpkin sighed deeply and ordered a beer.

Top Balloons For The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

Thanksgiving is upon us and that means it's time for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The best part for many is the giant helium character balloons. The BilgeBucket Gazette staff is proud to present the list of character balloons that will float in this year's parade. Don't worry! Gomy Dinkman isn't on the list.

	The Trojan Condom Trojan Man
	The Arby's Oven Mitt
	Harvey The Wino
	Tina Tampon
	Joe Camel
	An Oxycontin bottle
	Sammy Salmonella
	Blammo, the Fun Loving ICBM
	Captain Colostomy
	Jessica Simpson's Head (no helium needed)
	Johnnie Walker
	Pat the Horny Hermaphrodite