America: For The Corporation, By The Corporation

There's a movement afoot in America today that really chaps my hide. No, it's not the spate of reality shows infiltrating our airwaves. Although I kind of like that Joe Millionaire. That butler's a hoot! No. I'm talking about the buying of America by America's corporations. Everywhere you look, some huge conglomerate is sponsoring an event, be it a football game, a bar mitzvah or a bowel movement. America used to be for the people, by the people. Now it's for the corporation, by the corporation and dag nab it, I for one am sick and tired of it!

The influence of corporate America can be seen everywhere today, with the television conglomerates being the most visible. Look at the ads on television. We are constantly bombarded with commercials. Hell, there are even television shows that are completely commercials: the infomercial. Who the hell wants to watch a show about a food processor? Where's the suspense? Where's the action? Now if that scheister got his hand whacked off by the slicer, that would be exciting! Or maybe have a duel between the knife chef and the mop guy. Or how about a catfight between Cher and Victoria Principal over which of their crappy makeup products is the best. That would be must see TV! But no, we get product after product shoved down our throat by washed up actors. Speaking of which, what the hell happened to Jenilee Harrison. She used to be a babe on Dallas and Three's Company. Now she looks like she hasn't eaten since the 80's. She should use that food processor and make herself a meal. Eat woman! Eat!

Now I'm a big fan of the free market, but today's corporations gorge themselves by eating up all the smaller market mom and pop shops. It's just about impossible for the small businessman to stay alive today with companies like General Electric, Walmart, and Wienerschnitzel hovering over you like vultures, waiting to devour you. Even my cactus grooming business is in danger of being kicked to the curb by Juggermart, which has recently started their own cactus grooming department. I remember back in the old days when I ran my own manure company, Dung King. There was no big crap factory threatening to dump on my parade. There were just us small manure entrepreneurs, trying to scrape out a living from cow pastures. But those halcyon days of flies, fetid stench and no dates are long gone.

In America today, corporations get what they want when they want it. They're like little dictatorships. The CEO sits at the top like Zeus on Olympus. The only difference is that when Zeus wanted something, he sent a lightning bolt. Today's CEO sends a cadre of lawyers loaded with cash and stock options. "Hey, I want this parcel of land rezoned for commercial use. Have some money!" Or "Hey, I want to sponsor your bowl game. Rename it to the MegaCorp Bowl and plaster our logo on the foreheads of your stadium employees." Or "Hey, I'd like to create an artificial energy crisis to drive up the price of our stock. Have some stock options!" Of course, as Enron taught us, when trouble comes nowadays, the captains don't go down with the ship. They grab the cash, take the first lifeboats and light the sinking ship on fire with all hands on board. Thank goodness, Kenny Boy Lay came through unscathed.

But the thing that makes me want to vomit is the buying of politicians by major corporations like the oil, energy, and pharmaceutical companies. These politicians are supposed to represent the common Joe and Jane. Instead they're corporate whores opening their legs to the highest bidder. The person with the best answers on issues doesn't win today's elections. No, the winner is the candidate who can woo the biggest donations from corporate johns. Then once in office, they put on their congressional kneepads and reward their supporters with favors, kickbacks and gratuitous patronage. Continuing with the sexual theme of this paragraph, we're the ones getting screwed and I'll give you one guess where. Yes, representative government in America is as dead as David Gest's and Liza Minelli's love life. Yeesh! What a repulsive thought that was!

Well, I've ranted myself into a good froth. It's time for a beer and a little TV. There's an infomercial on about how to make millions by taking out tiny ads in newspapers. Forget the money. I'm just going to take out an ad and invite that guy to my house so I can beat the crap out of him.