Holy Cow! Dems Win! Republicans Trampled, Crushed, Whupped, Clobbered, Drubbed, Thumped…They Got Beat BIG TIME!

In a thunderous rejection of President Bush’s foreign policy in Iraq and the scandal ridden Republican controlled Congress, the American public voted Democrats into power across the board in elections held last Tuesday, November 7th. Not only did the Democrats take control of the House and the Senate for the first time since 1994, they also seized control of many state legislatures and have an edge in governorships as well. The Democratic victory has also prompted many resignations and dismissals, like Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and RNC Chairman Ken Mehlmann. Among the many high profile Republicans defeated were: Senator Rick Santorum, Senator George Allen, Katherine Harris, Representative Richard Pombo and Representative J.D. Hayworth.

The new Speaker of the House, California representative Nancy Pelosi, said, “This is a stinging rebuke for the misguided policies of the Bush Administration. The American people have spoken and they are angry. President Bush has to work with us now and in particular me. They say ‘paybacks a bitch’. Well that bitch’s name is Nancy Pelosi.”

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry said, “Well a few weeks ago I said we were like the Chicago Cubs; always snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Boy I thought I blew the election with my botched joke about being dumb and getting stuck in Iraq. But even though the media beat it into the ground and flogged me with it on a daily basis, the American people decided they were fed up with Republican shenanigans and not my loquacious, meandering, sleep inducing manner of speaking. What I’m trying to say is: Cubs win! Cubs win!”

Even though President Bush acknowledged that is was ‘a thumping’, many Republicans and neocon pundits were in denial about the loss. Arizona Representative J.D. Hayworth, who was beaten by Democrat Harry Mitchell, still hasn’t conceded even though major wire services have called the race for Mitchell and there is a four percentage point difference in the vote count. “Nuh-uh!” whined Hayworth in typical Hayworth fashion. “There is no way I lost to Mitchell. That is just pure fantasy. I’m J.D. Hayworth. I wrote a book about immigration reform. People like me. I’m J.D. Hayworth. We’re just going to count and recount those votes until I’m victorious. So there! I’m J.D. Hayworth and I approve this tantrum.”

Host of Fox News Hannity & Colmes, Sean Hannity, said, “Please! I would hardly call this a ‘Blue Wave’ like everybody in the liberal media is calling it. Sure some Democrats won some races and they took back the House and Senate, barely. It’s nothing like the glorious revolution of 1994 when the Republicans swept into power ushering in a glorious age of ass-clenched conservativism. Those days are gone my friends. The next thing you know, Osama will be invited to address Congress by that terrorist loving Nancy Pelosi. She’s probably having a sex party in her office right now with her unholy sex slaves from San Francisco. God I hate her!”

Chris Matthews, host of Hardball, said, “You know who I’m going to miss? All those guys like Tom Delay, Bob Ney and Randall Cunningham. Sure they were corrupt, but they made it exciting didn’t they. Now we’ve got Hillary and Nancy nagging at us all like mother hens. Things will probably get done now. We won’t have any fun. God I hate them!”

Many Americans felt good about the election results. Karyn Green of Teller, Virginia said, “For the first time in six years I have a feeling of hope. Maybe now Congress will check Bush and his agenda which has gotten us into nothing but hot water.”

Natalie Harrison of Chesterville, Wisconsin said, “I don’t expect miracles from this new Congress, but maybe someone can come up with a plan for exiting Iraq. The current administration certainly doesn’t have a clue.”

However, Bush supporter Derrick Armstrong of Hubley, Colorado said, “Great! Now that Pelosi woman is going make me speak Spanish, get an abortion, do drugs and have sex with a guy. Thank goodness, my old pastor, Ted Haggard, showed me how to do the last two.”

Rumsfeld Becomes President Of Rumsfeldia

Donald Rumsfeld, fresh from his dismissal as Secretary of Defense last week declared himself President of Rumsfeldia, which is what he calls his residence in Maryland.

“Am I surprised I was dismissed? Not really,” said a candid Rumsfeld from his living room throne. “Am I disappointed? You bet. But as I’ve said before, the President is correct whatever it was he said. Although I wish he hadn’t said what he said he said. Did I just say that? It doesn’t matter. What I mean to say is, sure, this is a setback. Will I recover? I think so, but the future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera! I don’t do predictions. I also don’t do dishes. Joyce, I’ve dirtied my coffee cup. Come clean it; on the double soldier. Where’s my latest issue of People? This Britney Spears divorce intrigues me to no end. She should have got out years ago.”

Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, seemed stressed and frazzled about her husband being around the house all the time. “He’s going to drive me nuts. It’s only been a few days, but he’s making me cuckoo bananas. He just sits there in the living room, which we’re supposed to call Command Central, or he rearranges the furniture or reorders the books on the shelves. Yesterday, he was in his bathtub playing naval battle with his model ships. Oy vey!”

Neighbor Fred Dittmeier said while cleaning his barbecue pit, “Don’s a smart guy. He needs to be active all the time. I’ve got a great job for him. He could be a greeter over at the Juggermart in Chevy Chase. He’d be a natural. He’s always got a clever response to questions. Plus he’s a former Secretary of Defense. I mean, what a drawing card! And just think of the classic Rumsfeld quotes he’d be spewing from that post. ‘Of course I know where the garden supplies are; they're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.’ Wouldn’t that be a hoot!”

Rumsfeld daughter Marcy said, “I’m really worried about Dad. Like at dinner the other night, Mom put out the regular dinner plates and Dad questioned why Mom was putting out pottery ware for a Sunday dinner. Mom explained the good china was being cleaned and that this was all that was available. Well Dad was crestfallen. He muttered that you go to dinner with the plates you have not the plates you want or wish you had at a later time. He’s just repeating his old quotes over and over again. Mom’s hair’s already white. It’s gonna start falling out pretty soon.”

When asked about his immediate plans, Rumsfeld mused over the possibilities. “Well I’ll tell you. I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started. It’s like I’ve said before: there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know. I’d have to say I fall into that latter category.”

Rumsfeld then started micromanaging his pets. “Fluffy get off the couch. And pick up that hairball. Rover, why do you always have to lick yourself? And you Goldie! Honestly, if you don’t start swimming soon, it’ll be the toilet for you. And you Fido, quit sniffing Rover’s butt! You don’t know where it’s been. Besides, you’re doing it all wrong. Move aside. Must I do everything?”

Local Actor Makes Big Jump To LALA Land

Local actor, Damian Jarvis, better known as Bank Customer #5 in the popular Cactus Corners Bank & Trust commercials, has decided to take his career to the next level and move out to Los Angeles.

“I am so ready for this,” said 26 year old Jarvis confidently. “Everywhere I go, people are recognizing me from the CCB&T commercial. They say ‘Hey you’re that wacky guy who asked for a car loan’ and then I give them my signature move.” Jarvis then demonstrates by pointing his finger as if it was a gun barrel and clicking his thumb like it’s the hammer. “Classic!”

Jarvis’ friend Kirk Smith, who also claimed to be an actor, agreed. “Damian is so jellin’. He nailed that commercial. He just nailed it! I could see him on the O.C., Gilmore Girls or maybe even Desperate Housewives. Maybe he could hook me up with Eva Longoria. I’m sure she’d go for a balding guy in his mid twenties, who works at the Foot Locker and lives with his parents. Who wouldn’t?”

Not everybody was supportive of Jarvis’ move. Fellow actor Kyle Turk said, “That douchebag couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. He’s just a clown, not a serious actor. All he does is audition for commercials. He doesn’t take lessons or do plays. Not only that, he looks like that dork wad, Gomy Dinkman, over at the BilgeBucket Gazette. He’s going to fall flat on his ass.”

Actress Kelly Morton, who was Bank Customer #3 in the same CCB&T commercial agreed with Turk. “He’s making a big mistake. He’s not ready. I’ve known tons of people who got a commercial and moved to L.A. to strike it big and flopped. Take Julie Windsor. She got that Lenny’s commercial, went to L.A. and now she’s turning tricks down on Hollywood Blvd. just to pay her rent. And take Johnny Little. He was the Filbert Chicken for Christ’s sakes and now he’s turning tricks down on Hollywood Blvd just to pay his rent. Now me, I’m smart. I’m doing a full year of dinner theater first and then I’m going over. That should give me enough seasoning to make it.”

Jarvis dismissed his detractors. “Kelly and Kyle are just jealous, that’s all. Kyle can’t even memorize a one line sentence. He just gets by on his rugged good looks. Kelly can waste her time all she wants doing dinner theater. I’m going to start at the top. Sure I’ve heard the stories. You’ve got to pay your dues they say. It’ll take ten years before you’ll get anything they say. But it’s going to be different for me. You’ll see. Yeah. Things will be swell, see.”

Top Excuses For 2006 Arizona Cardinals

Well it’s November so that means the football Cardinals are battling it out for the cellar of their division. Since the Cardinals moved to the Valley of the Sun in 1988, they’ve had one winning season in 1998 with a record of 9-7. They did win a first round playoff game against the Cowboys that year, but come on; this team bites it! Year in and year out, this teams finds a way to lose! Playing in a brand new stadium, the Cardinals are 1-8 and are the worst team in the NFL. What’s the one constant lo these many years: dweebish owner Bill Bidwell. So we say to Mr. Bidwell, do the football fans of Arizona a favor and just sell this team already! Now that our soapbox moment has passed, we present the top excuses for this year’s Cardinals team.

	Our new multi-million dollar stadium is nice but we need a newer one if we’re going to have a winning record
	The opponents make funny faces and we start laughing
	We still can’t seem to play well if people are watching us
	We are still grossly underpaid
	We’re worried Madonna may adopt us
	Matt Leinart is distracted by all the commercial scripts he’s got to memorize
	We can’t run because our cheerleaders keep giving us boners
	We’re blinded by Bill Bidwell’s incandescent charisma
	It’s too damn hot here!
	Coach Green scares us
	We keep thinking about those BBQ Ribs at Mr. B’s Bowtie Barbecue
	We’re still recovering from quarterback Jim Hart’s retirement in the early ‘80s
	We need a mascot a little more intimidating than an 8 inch, seed eating, red bird; we’re friggin’ football players damn it!
	Let’s face it; we suck, suck, suck!