Lamebeard's Halloween Costume Conundrum

Ahoy there me hearties! Arrrgggh! 'Twas Halloween it was last week: the time of year when wee little ones dress up as their favorite monster and go door-to-door begging for sweets to rot out their teeth. But 'tis also a rowdy time for grown ups, too. People get dressed up and go out to bars and have gay old times. In me case, 'tis the big Halloween party over at the Wet Beaver Creek Tavern. Up until this year, I've had it pretty easy deciding what character I'd be. I mean after all, I'm a pirate. Ergo, being a pirate comes pretty natural to me. But this year I wanted to be different. I wanted to, how do the kids say nowadays, 'push the envelope'.

So I asked me bucko, Jolly Pete, who works over at Long John Silvers, where to go. He said all the hip college crowd goes to Cactus Costumery. So I put Pauly, me dead parrot on me shoulder, stuck a fresh bottle of Captain Morgan in me coat and swaggered me way the seven blocks over to the shop.

I walked in and saw me a beautiful blonde lassie behind the counter. I go up to her and before I can get a word from me mouth, she says, "What a great costume!" Arrrggh! If I had a doubloon for everytime I've heard that, I'd be as rich as Donald Trump. I told her that I was the real live pirate, Captain Lamebeard of the mighty paddle schooner S.S. Cactus Wren. I saw from her tag, that her name was Megan. I leaned in close and said that I was looking for a costume for a Halloween party. Then I gave her a flirtatious wink. She smiled sweetly and politely excused herself. I must have charmed her too much. Arrrgggh! 'Tis such a curse being a handsome buccaneer. She went over to a couple of college lads standing by the wigs and said something. They looked in me direction and nodded. She returned and said, "I have to stay here at the register, but Jason and Todd over there would be glad to help you." I thanked her and gave her one last lusty look from head to toe. Women like to be gazed at like sex objects don't ye know.

I went over to the lads but before I could say anything, they blurted in unison. "Great costume!" Arrrgggh! It happened again. I explained I was Lamebeard the Pirate of the glorious paddleboat S.S. Cactus Wren and that the clothes were me normal garb. They glanced at each other and laughed like I was Gilbert Gottfried. Then they gathered themselves and asked me just what kind of costume I had in mind. I said I wanted to 'push the envelope'. They looked at each other, took me by the hand and led me over to the costume rack.

They were both strapping young manly lads who looked to be 'with it'. Jason, was dressed in a retro silk shirt with polyester breeches and platform shoes. He was wearing black horn rim glasses with a green tint glass. His hair was spiky and colored purple. Todd, was a dead ringer for Brad Pitt and was dressed in a retro lime green leisure suit, with matching orange shirt and orange colored hair.

Jason said, "You would be a perfect Blossom."

Todd added with excitement, "You're right. Blossom would be perfect."

I said to them, "Arrrgggh! Ye mean Blossom from that delightful '90s sitcom starring Mayim Bialik?"

Jason said, "No you silly! Blossom from the Power Puff Girls!"

I said suspiciously, "Arrrgggh! Ain't that a bit sissy?"

"Oh no!" They said in unison. "Dressing like female cartoon characters is all the rage these days, isn't that right Jason?" said Todd.

"Why just yesterday, this big, large wonderful man, walked in here and wanted a Wonder Woman costume," said Jason. "I think he was the captain of the Cactus Corners football team, too. Very macho."

I hemmed and hawed and asked about other popular costumes like Courtney Love, Jar Jar Binks or the Mexican President Vincente Fox, but they insisted. So I tried on the pinkish red dress, the red hairpiece, the dark round glasses and the little girl shoe covers. Arrrgggh! I looked like Captain Blythe's cabin boy. The boys were laughing like I was Tom Arnold. I was about to take it off when, the fair lassie Megan appeared and gushed at how great I looked.

"Oh you look fantastic!" she said. "Now that's real Grrrrrl power!"

"Arggghhh! Grrrrrl power?" I asked.

"Grrrrrl power!" she said. "It's what every girl my age has and the fact that you so comfortable in your manhood, that you'd dress like a Grrrrrl. Well, I bet every women at that party will want to be with you."

Well, if the fair Megan thought I looked good, and if I was going to get every young lass at the party after me, I was sold. Besides, I got a good vibe from this Grrrrrl power thing. It seemed to fit me. Arrrrrgggh! So I bought the costume and strode victoriously from the store. This year I was going to truly walk on the wild side. I glanced back over me shoulder and all three of them, Jason, Todd, and the fair Megan, were smiling and laughing and waving goodbye. I tipped me tri-corner and gave them a hearty parting 'Arrrggggh!'

Halloween came and I was ready to show off me new costume to all the regulars who enjoyed the Wet Beaver. I was sure Kendra, the serving wench I'd love to bed, would love it as much as Megan. She definitely has that Grrrrrl power thing. I looked at meself in the mirror. I looked naked without me hat so I decided to alter the costume a bit. I placed me tricorner on top of the fluffy red hair piece. I looked pretty. I decided I needed me belt and me Nerf cutlass, too. I donned it and took a swill of the Captain. Shiver me timbers if I didn't look even better. I took some more swigs. Arrrggh! The more I drank the better I looked. After a while I was looking better than Kirstie Alley. It was time to go to the party. I tucked the Captain into me belt and headed out.

I walked in the Wet Beaver and all eyes were on me. Arrrggh! I was the belle of the ball. I noticed Kendra almost immediately. She was getting some drinks dressed fittingly as Cleopatra, for she truly was a queen. I stealthily approached and hailed her, "Ahoy there, Kendra! Arrggh! Can ye guess who I am?"

Since I had her trapped she had no choice but to talk to me. She sighed and said, "Lamebeard. Why on earth are you dressed as a Power Puff girl?"

I corrected her immediately. "'Tis not a Power Puff girl. 'Tis a Power Puff Grrrrrl! Ye know, like Grrrrrl power! Ye should know what Grrrrrl power is, because ye've got plenty of it. Arrrggh! Besides, the manliest mateys at Cactus Costumery, Jason and Todd, told me it was the hippest costume this year."

Sweet Kendra just shook her head. "Jason and Todd are gay. Look at them over there, dressed like Siegfried and Roy kissing each other. They tell everyone to dress like women. They told my boyfriend Rob, to dress up like Ashlee Simpson and carry around a microphone all night, lip-synching to the music. I mean look at everybody laughing at you."

I faced the blurry crowd. 'Twas true. They were laughing at me like I was Bob Saget. I said, "Arrrghh! I truly thought they were laughing with me not at me."

Kendra shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Look Lamebeard. I've got tables to wait on. If I were you I'd slink over to the corner of the bar and lay low for awhile. In another hour, every one will be too drunk to notice or care and you can slink back to your ship or apartment or cardboard box or wherever you live now."

Blow me down, Kendra was right! A little rude and harsh, but right nonetheless. I looked like a guest on Jerry Springer. How humiliating! I dug into me belt and took a belt of the Captain. I mosied to a corner table and drank meself into a stupor.

After a while, I looked up from me drunken fog and I saw a most stirring vision. A brown haired lass, all dressed in a white gown was standing at the table. I asked, "Ahoy there. Who might ye be fair lassie?"

She said sweetly, "My costume is the Lady of the Lake, but my name is Erma. I noticed you sitting here all by yourself in your Blossom costume and I just had to come over and complement you. Blossom is my favorite Power Puff Grrrrl and I think it's very brave of you to risk such complete and total humiliation. You've obviously got plenty of Grrrrrl power." That sweet costume clerk, Megan, was right. The women were mesmerized by me Grrrrrl power.

The comely Erma moved into plain view. Blimey! She was three hundred pounds at the least. But her words of kindness, were like a life saving piece of driftwood in the open sea. Besides, because of all the grog I swallered, to me, she was no larger than Star Jones. I decided to recite me standard pick up line. "Fair Erma! Would ye like to walk me plank. Ye har har!"

She smiled coyly and said, "Aye, aye, Captain Lamebeard!"

Me heart leapt with joy. I hopped to me feet and escorted the rotund beauty from the Wet Beaver. We jaunted down to the docks at Cactus Corners Lagoon and boarded the Cactus Wren. Arrgggh! At last, a lady other than me boat to score with. I climbed aboard first and turned to help me lady into me boat. She struggled a bit but finally she plopped all her weight on board. 'Twas a big mistake. The Cactus Wren strained and started to take water. Me buxom lady was sinking me lady of the sea! I had to think quickly. I bellowed to sweet Erma, "Get off me boat ye sea cow! Y're sinking her!" I gave her a mighty push and scuppered her into the briny deep. She wallowed in the water, the faint moonlight glistening off her white dress. She truly was the Lady of the Lake now. She reached over to pull herself aboard. I batted her arm away. "Arrrgggh! Y're too heavy lass. Ye can't come on board. Ye'll sink the Cactus Wren. Y'll have to swim fer shore."

She growled in protest, "You bastard! You stinking lousy bastard!" She then proceeded to rock the Cactus Wren. I felt like Ahab battling the great white monster. I drew me trusty Nerf cutlass and whacked her repeatedly on the head. She finally withdrew and swam for shore. Within minutes she beached herself and started to rise to her feet. Sensing some bad vibes, I paddled handsomely away from the docks.

"Sorry, lassie!" I yelled. "But me boat is me first love. I just couldn't bear to send her to Davy Jones locker."

Erma stood on the shore, shimmering in her watery, white dress waving her fist at me. "A curse on you, Lamebeard! A curse on you, you scurvy dog!"

Arrrgggh! What a disastrous ending to a disastrous day. I had a little bit of grog left so I paddled out to the center of the lagoon, took out the Captain, and spliced the mainbrace again. I glanced at me costume and noticed in the pale moonlight, the pinkish-red color almost matched me lavendar seats. Ye har har! At least I was color coordinated. Next year, 'tis back to being a buccaneer, straight and true. I took a final glug, placed me tricorner over me eyes and sailed off into dreamland.