America Speaks: "51% Of Us Are Fucking Idiots!"

America went to the polls last week and re-elected George W. Bush as president even though he's started a costly war on false premises with no exit strategy, plunged the nation into tumultuous debt, rolled back numerous environmental regulations in favor of industry, presided over an economy that has lost almost a million jobs, underfunded the 'No Children Left Behind' program, misled the nation about the cost of his healthcare bill which does nothing to alleviate high costs and performed anemically in all three televised debates.

Bush supporters spoke out and explained why they voted for him. Dale Gilman of Empty Noggin, Georgia, said, "I voted for him because he's the one I'd rather drink a beer with. That's my only criteria for president. I'll have to invite him over to my trailer for a beer one of these days. It's not quite the country club he's used to, but I think my gun collection adds a certain redneck ambiance."

Betsy Moeller, of Cornshoot, Ohio, said, "I was undecided until the very end, but what made me vote for the President was that he's just so moral. Even when he lies to us repeatedly, he's just so moral."

Kirby Tucker, of Cracked Nut, North Carolina, said, "All I knows is I don't want no wolves to catch me and eats me."

Durwood Dunndoody, of Oozing Bed Sore, Texas said, "The big issue of this campaign was gay marriage. No doubt about it. Thank God, the President is going to make a stand agin' those hell bound fruitcakes. They're worst than the terrorists you know."

Dwight Stevenson, of Ostrich Neck, Oklahoma, said, "I know the president has made some mistakes, but he's a known quantity. I'm comfortable with his ineptitude."

Rev. Fred Campbell, pastor of the Fifth Evangelical Church of the Backwoods in Dunceville, Tennessee, said, "Praise be to God! The rapture is so close I can smell it!"

Dave and Karen Lydell, of Dullardton, Iowa, said, "We believe in secretive Orwellian government. We completely trust President Bush to do what's right, because it's really none of our business to know or question what they're doing. We don't mind if our government monitors our every movement. It's a small price to pay for freedom."

Kerry supporters expressed extreme shock and disappointment. Mark Barry, of Tempe, Arizona, said while banging his head with a frying pan, "This can't be happening! This can't be happening!"

Donna Beacham, of Salem, Oregon, said while booking a flight to Vancouver, Canada, "The choice was so obvious. It's like we're speeding for the edge of a cliff in a gas guzzling hummer, and the passengers vote to drive off. Un-fucking-believable!"

College student, Craig Kaster, of Santa Bonita, California, said, "I'm so voting for that Kerry dude. What? The elections were last week. Oh man! I like so spaced that off."

Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, said. "This is great! Al-Qaeda will get stronger, America will go bankrupt and I'll get to live four more years. That chimp Bush is playing right into my hands. Allah Akbar!"

Bush Sez To World : "Bend Over While I Ram My Agenda Through!"

President Bush, emboldened by his election victory last week announced plans for his second term in office.

"Make no mistake. I've got political capital and I know how to use it. I also got a mandate. Not a man date, you know like a gay thing, because as we all know those homos are damned to hell. Except Uncle Dick's Mary. She's a good lesbo. I'm talking mandate meaning I can do whatever the hell I want for the next four years. Remember, folks. I'm God's chosen president."

"The first thing I'm going to do is send that loud mouthed liberal Michael Moore down to Camp Gitmo. How dare he point out my lies and deceptions to the American people? Can you say terrorist?"

"Next thing I'm going to do is reinstate the draft and my first inductees will be the 55 million people who voted against me. Like I said before, you're either for me or you're with the terrorists. If you want to be with the terrorists, I'll send you right to 'em. Then you'll be right on the front lines when I invade Iran and Syria. Who says I'm not smart?"

"Now about those homosexuals. I'm going to make a constitutional amendment not only banning gay marriage, but also banning being a homo. Except for Mary Cheney. She's a good lesbo. Yes, we'll have the war on terror and the war on gaiety. It's always good to have a lot of wars going on for political purposes."

"The next thing I'm going to do is reform Social Security. I'm going to set retirement age to be 80, starting immediately. So all you supposedly retired folks in your seventies, can get off your lazy asses and contribute to corporate America again and quit getting a free ride. I'm also converting all Social Security accounts into private accounts where each and every American can invest in my favorite companies like Halliburton, Exxon, or Boeing. So you better keep working and investing in my benefactors companies or you won't get anything when you're 80. You know something, I better make that 90. People are living a lot longer these days, heh-heh."

"I'm also going to start drilling for oil in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, off the shore of Alaska, off the shore of California, off the shore of Florida, Yellowstone National Park, Grand Canyon National Park, Glacier National Park, Canada and Mexico and anywhere else I deem necessary. Despite what those egghead smartsy, fartsy, liberal scientists say, I say we can drill ourselves to energy independence and I'm going to sacrifice the rest of undeveloped North America to prove it. If we pray hard enough, God will deliver the oil unto thee."

"Which brings me to my final and most important motive, religion and faith. Now those people out there without religion, the atheists, don't have to worry at all about my administration. If you want to be without faith and go to hell, we won't do anything to stop you. And when we make it mandatory through constitutional amendments to attend worship services every Sunday, we won't pressure any of you morally bankrupt heathens to attend church and be a true American. Because make no mistake, atheists are Americans, too, only to a lesser hell-bound extent. And when we make Christianity the official religion of the United States and of the Middle East, we will in no way pressure you to convert or get the hell out of our holy country. We'll embrace all inferior ideologies until we change your erroneous ways of thinking."

"In closing I'd like to say, it's good to be King of the World. God Bless America only and God Bless Me!"

Top Alternative Flu Remedies

It's the flu season again, and thanks to massive shortsightedness, the flu vaccine is in short supply. Among the solutions offered are diluting the vaccine so that more people can get vaccinated, praying real hard or if you're fairly healthy, like our macho President Dubya, just don't get a flu vaccine. The BilgeBucket staff has donned their Sherlock Holmes hats and investigated some of the top alternative or holistic preventive cures for the flu. If you've already got the flu, just ignore this list and continue writhing in discomfort.

	Drink plenty of Gun Powder tea
	Drink a wee smidgen of Arsenic coffee
	Rub excrement on chest and inhale deeply
	Hop on one leg while waving a chicken foot above your head
	Take a few zinc cough drops
	Give yourself a lead enema
	Place head in boiling vat of chicken noodle soup
	Stick a dead carp down your pants and dance (not really a cure; just a fun thing to do)
	Munch on some hemlock
	Fear Factor special concoction: six cattle eyes, cup of kangaroo testicles, pureed fly larvae, one gallon of Jack Daniels, stir, chug and vomit
	Take a bath in crude oil (Dick Cheney's secret remedy)
	Chant the mantra, 'Flu bad. Health good.'
	Just die already