California Moves To Vegas

California residents, tired of the fires, earthquakes, draughts, flash floods, exploding real estate prices, recall elections and other calamities that have besot the state for the last umptinine years, have decided to move en masse to Las Vegas, Nevada today.

"Dude, I've had it with this place!" said Mike Kuhn, from Venice Beach. "If it isn't one thing it's another. I've lost an apartment to an earthquake, my car to a flash flood, and my virginity to Sally Wasselman. I'm going to Vegas, man. I won't lose anything there."

San Fernando valley resident Barb Blake said, "I could take the earthquakes. I could take the wildfires. But Governor Ahnuld! This place is going to hell in a handbasket!"

It's believed that the only people staying in California are some of the residents of the Castro district in San Francisco, a retired couple in San Luis Obispo, and the cast of the Fox Show The O.C. Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger was determined not to let this setback affect his job performance. "I will do my best to stimulate the economy for the few hundred people left."

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman was concerned about the influx of refugees. "Well when 34 million people come knocking on your door, it's kind of a shock. It just made me realize how short on golf courses and swimming pools we are."

Golden Showers Casino Manager Daryl McMahon expressed sheer joy at the upcoming exodus. "Oh man I can't believe this is happening," he said giddily as he exhaled on his cigarette and gulped down his Starbucks coffee. "I'm going to be stinking rich! Thirty Four million money laden pigeons to bilk! I'm going to retire and move to Malibu!"

Republicans Whine: CBS Pulls The Reagans

CBS pulled the controversial mini-series The Reagans from its schedule this week following pressure from the Republican Party. Party members stated that the schlocky, C-movie, starring James Brolin as the President, depicted Ronald Reagan in an erroneous manner, specifically referring to an off color remark about people with HIV/AIDS.

"We feel the movie is not accurate at all in its portrayal of the 40th president of the United States," said Republican Party Chairman, Ed Gillespie. "This is just another example of the leftist media bashing us poor Republicans. This un-American action truly means that liberals must be for the terrorists."

Gillespie then tried to set the record straight. "Now we all know President Reagan was the greatest president of the 20th century. He fought in World War II and not only captured a Nazi platoon single handedly, but he also was about to catch Hitler, but the Russkies beat him to it. Bastards! He was the finest actor of his generation in Hollywood. But everybody was so jealous of his talent in the fifties; they ran him out of town. He showed them and became the finest Governor California has ever seen. He stimulated the economy, made the sun shine and crushed those no-good, free-love hippies into the ground. Then in 1980 he became President and led this nation to prosperity not seen since the early days of Rome. Reagan rolled up his sleeves and invaded that hotbed of unrest, Grenada. There are some who say Reagan led the charge there. Who are we to deny that. Reaganomics boosted the economy to all time highs. The rich generously shared their money so that even the lowest of the low improved their station in their petty lives. He shrugged off scandals created by the leftist media to destroy his credibility. But he's best known for kicking that commie Gorbachev's butt. He single handedly conquered the Soviet Union with his devastating charm thus ridding that nation of the Communist menace forever. He even flew to Russia one time, without an airplane! God, what a man! Even though he's not catholic, we're already pleading to the Pope to have him canonized while he's still alive and with us. I mean look at all the miracles he performed while he was living. God, what a man!"

CBS now plans to sell the show to Showtime, where there is actually a chance of someone actually watching the show. With the Republican Party's blessing, they are now creating a mini-series about the Clintons. According to the advanced scripts, the Clintons are blamed for everything from the Iraq War to ring around the collar.

Neighborhood Bar Not Very 'Cheers' Like

The general consensus among Cactus Corners residents is that The Cheery Cactus, a drinking establishment in the Cholla Gardens subdivision, which claims to be a neighborhood bar 'just like Cheers', in no way whatsoever resembles that wacky sitcom tavern.

"Cheers my ass," said Jake Barber. "That place is a pit. When I went in there, it was dark, dank and smelled like piss. The pool table's felt was scratched. The pool cues were warped. And the bathrooms; Oh the humanity! We're talking the roach Mecca of the valley. The floor actually looked like it was moving."

Glenda Morris was equally disgusted. "Nobody knew my name there, thank God. I walked in and instead of seeing some Norm-looking guy sitting at the bar drinking beers, there was this old guy with a scraggily beard wearing a trenchcoat sucking on a bottle of whiskey. I walked up and ordered a drink and he flashed me. What was worse, he was wearing a dress...from Ross! Oh the humanity!"

Other atrocities reported by patrons include: numerous sightings of butt cleavage, barflies pegging rats with bottle caps, and a fifty something drunken floozy named Agnes who'll do an impersonation of Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct for five dollars.

Bar owner Larry 'Dutch' Metzger said, "Hey. We got a nice bar here. It's got lotsa...ambeeance! Those people that are bitchin' are just those hoidy toidy Scottsdale types. Just show up on 'Make The Rummy Dance Night'. Now that's some high falutin' action!"

Top Text Messaging Templates

Cell phones have become the most ubiquitous electronics device in America today. Teens in malls have them. Businessmen in airports have them. Every driver seems to be talking on one. One of the favorite features on cell phones is text messaging. You can create templates with the most common messages that you send. The BilgeBucket Gazette has compiled a list of some of the most common templated messages used by Americans...or at least residents of Cactus Corners.

	Call me later. I'm watching Oprah.
	I need a dozen eggs, some milk, and some tampons.
	Not now honey. I'm banging the secretary.
	Help! I've been mugged by a white tiger.
	Hi! I'm not wearing any clothes!
	I just saw Elvis.
	Gomy Dinkman is an absolute dick.
	Guess what. I've been molested by midgets and I'm lying in a ditch. Again!
	I'm a Red Sox fan. Somebody shoot me.
	I'm a Cubs fan. Somebody shoot that Bartman guy.
	Everything is still great in Iraq.