Bush Revises Iraq War Rationale Again

President Bush recently held a press conference stating that the war in Iraq is all about oil and the new reason for staying the course in Iraq is that we need to save civilization. Previous reasons included finding weapons of mass destruction, liberating Iraqis from dictator Saddam Hussein, establishing democracy throughout the Middle East, training the Iraqis to police their own country, making sure the new Baghdad KFC and Pizza Hut’s were safe, and because ‘Uncle Dick and Rummy said so – so there’.

“You see my fellow Americans,” said President Bush. “If them Iraqians actually start using some of that oil under their country that’s rightfully ours – because we’re Americans –the price of gas will skyrocket. Everybody was bellyaching about the price of gas this past summer, but if you think that was bad, wait until we leave Iraq and let the Iraqians run things. We must stay to keep gas prices low. You could say we came for the WMDs and stayed for the oil. Hey! That’s pretty funny.” Bush then chuckled to himself for two minutes.

Vice President Cheney emerged from his secret undisclosed lair, brushed the President aside and said, “Out of my way monkey boy! This isn’t about oil at all. This is the last chance for Western Civilization as we know it. It’s up to me and Rumsfeld to save the world. We’re the only ones who know how to exploit the region for fun and profit. I ask you my fellow Americans. Do you really want to take food out of the mouths of innocent Halliburton employees? That’s why we must win the war in Iraq and you must elect Republicans in this upcoming election. Because if you don’t, the next thing you know, we’ll be riding in ox carts, eating dates and drinking camel’s milk. Terror. Terror. Terror. Fear. Fear. Fear. God Bless Me and Rumsfeld!”

Joan LeBlanc of the international watchdog organization, Citizens For Peace, said “This is just another example of the lies and distortions this administration doles out to the American public on a daily basis. The truth is we are stuck in Iraq, thanks to this administration’s incompetent decision to invade in 2003. If we stay we will continue to be caught in the middle of sectarian violence. If we leave, Iraq will devolve into full scale civil war. We are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. The genie is out of the bottle and it won’t be going back in any time soon. Pandora's box is opened. The can of worms is not only open, the worms are spilling out all over the place. The scab has been picked and the wound is infected and oozing with pus. Well, I'm out of cliches. I'm done.”

However, American citizens seemed okay with the White House’s latest explanation. Senior citizen Ruth Thomason of Des Égout, Mississippi said, “I believe the Vice President when he tells me we need to stay in Iraq to save civilization. I also believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy with whom I’m very upset. She hasn’t left me any money for my teeth in the last sixty years and I’m beginning to get a bit miffed.”

Fred Granger of Tuckerville, Illinois said, “Well I was damn mad at the President about everything. Damn mad, I tells ya! I was even going to vote an all Democratic ticket this election. But then the price of gas dropped. Can you believe it’s almost $2 a gallon? Well, all’s forgiven Mr. President. I’m voting Republican.”

Tom Carter of Dorfman, New Jersey said, “I know the Republicans have completely botched the situation in Iraq but I’m comfortable with their incompetence. Go GOP!”

June Amerson of Julesberg, Washington said, “I’m voting for the Republicans because they’re strong on terrorism even though that report that came out says terrorism is much worse in the world since we invaded Iraq. Wait a second. Let me think about that. No wait. Thinking is too tough. Republican it is!”

Democrats Discuss Ways To Blow Election

With all the recent scandals involving Republican congressmen like Randall Cunningham, Tom Delay, Bob Ney and Mark Foley, the bungling of the response to Hurricane Katrina, the Jack Abramhoff scandal, the enormous deficit, insufficient healthcare for millions of Americans, the torturing of detainees, domestic spying, the resurgence of the Taliban in Afghanistan, the ongoing mismanagement of the Iraq War and numerous other blunders by Republicans, the Democrats are on the verge of not only winning back the House in the upcoming elections but also winning the Senate as well. This has many Democrats scrambling for ways to fumble away this good fortune.

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry said, “We’re very pleased with the polling trends but we Democrats are like the Chicago Cubs; we tend to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. So we’re trying to figure out ways to blow the upcoming elections and we’ve got lots of ideas. Ted Kennedy’s already talking about drinking heavily over the next couple weeks, so you know something interesting is bound to happen.”

Senator Joe Biden of Delaware said, “Well so far our strategy has been to just keep our mouths shut and watch the Republicans self destruct and that’s worked out really well. I say that we start formulating some plans; you know, give specifics on certain issues. That ought to blow our advantage.”

New York Senator Hillary Clinton said, “Well I thought I could do more stand-up material. My Gandhi joke killed in St. Louis. Or maybe I could liken Republican control to being on a plantation. I know I did that already, but it really stunk up the joint.”

West Virginia Senator Harry Reid said, “Surely we can come up with some kind of scandal. William Jefferson’s scandal helped, but it wasn’t enough. Where’s Gary Condit or Gary Hart? Surely they’ve got something up their sleeves. Quite frankly, Bush has made such a God awful mess of things we really don’t want to win. They crapped in their own bed, let them clean it up.”

Republicans seemed fairly confident that they will prevail in November. White House political strategist Karl Rove said assertively from his office, “There is no doubt in my mind that Republicans will retain control of both the House and the Senate. No question about it. How do I know? Two words: November surprise. I’m sworn to secrecy, but I leak all the time. I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with Kin Fraden.” He then leaned back in his chair, took a puff off his cigar and started laughing. “Ha, ha, ha! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

The Democrats prayers for a mishap were answered when former President Bill Clinton stumbled into the press room with his pants around his ankles and said, “Hillary! It happened again. I’ve been a bad boy!”

Local Man Always Mistaking Identities

Local haberdasher, Harry King, of the Cactus Sun Gardens subdivision, is always mistaking people’s identities and many of his neighbors, family members and friends have becoming annoyed with his frequent gaffes.

“It’s getting pretty frustrating,” said son, college freshman, Jerry King. “Like yesterday, we were having the early bird special at Luby’s. This blonde lady walks in and my dad says ‘Look. It’s Angie Dickinson.’ I don’t know where to begin on how mistaken he was. First of all, this lady was probably in her thirties and Angie Dickinson is what, in her seventies. Second of all, what on Earth would Angie Dickinson be doing at the Luby’s in Cactus Corners, Arizona? Logic just escapes him. He spent the rest of the dinner raving about Angie Dickinson in Police Woman, and how sexy she was in Rio Bravo, Oceans Eleven and The Sins of Rachel Cade. He’s only fifty years old. He can’t be senile yet can he?”

Best friend, Herman Jankewicz, said, “Oh that Harold! He really gets confused. His eyesight isn’t that bad, but he just doesn’t think sometime. For instance, we worked in the men’s department at Sears for years. One day back in ’77, he was convinced that Humphrey Bogart was trying on a suit. Well, Bogie died in 1957 so I tried telling him it couldn’t possibly be him. But that didn’t stop him. He went up and got his autograph and to this day he still thinks he has Humphrey Bogart’s autograph even though it’s signed Frank Gilliam. That’s our Harold!”

“Oh he’s always messing up,” said neighbor Delores Winston. “Like yesterday, I was out chatting with him in his driveway when we saw an oriental man walking down our street about a block away. Well, he was convinced it was North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il. He was ranting and raving saying we should call the Feds and that we should hunt him down like a dog. Fortunately, I mentioned that Ellen was on and he ran into his house to watch. If he misses Ellen dancing, he’s cranky for the rest of the day.”

Harry’s doctor, Stan Mullavy, said, “Harry doesn’t have dementia or anything. He’s just a tad nuts. To put it in technical terms, he’s: not playing with a full deck; loony as a jay bird; a quart low; a few bricks short of a full load; nuttier than a jar of Planters; operating with a five watt bulb; paddling with one oar; all booster, no payload; parked his head and forgot where he left it; left the store and forgot his groceries; an elevator that’s stuck in the basement; a few fries short of a Happy Meal; about as sharp as a bowl of Jello. I think that should clarify things.”

Harry dismissed the criticism. “Ah, the hell with all of ‘em! I know what I saw. I’m telling you I saw all those people. That really was Humphrey Bogart back in ’77. He was just using an assumed name. And I tell you what: Angie Dickinson was in that Luby’s. I saw every episode of Police Woman when I was a young man and I’d recognize those gams anywhere. That son of mine just wants to put me in a home so he can get his hands on my valuable collectibles. Yep, those Love Is… collector plates really ought to be worth something now. The rest of them are just jealous of my keen sense of observation. I should have been in the CIA because I notice everything. Oh crap! I’ve been standing in dog doo for the past five minutes. How’d that get there? This is all your fault!”

When asked to comment on Harry King’s observation, North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il said, “What? An insane, evil dictator can’t take a walk in a trendy suburban Arizona neighborhood? I was just stretching my legs after that exhausting nuclear test. I’m a big man now you know!”

Top Halloween Costumes For 2006

It’s Halloween again and that means it’s time for dressing up in costumes for trick or treating, Halloween parties or for a little hanky panky. But what are the hot costumes to be seen in this year, you might ask? Well, the BilgeBucket is here to help! Our hep, happening staff has compiled a timely list of the trendiest costumes for the 2006 Halloween season.

	Melhommad Al-Gibson
	Katie Holmes prisoner outfit
	A tampon
	Culture Warrior Bill O’Reilly (complete with blotchy skin mask and foam sword)
	A Deal or No Deal briefcase
	A barrel of sweet crude
	Skeletor/Donald Rumsfeld
	For couples: a congressional page and Mark Foley
	A Scientologist
	An Arizona Cardinal
	Former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi as Elvis
	Cruella DeVil/Katherine Harris
	A skeleton/Nicole Ritchie
	Star Jones
	Deadeye Dick Cheney