Kerry Sweeps Debates; Republicans Whine

The last Presidential debate took place last week in Tempe, Arizona. Many political pundits have expressed belief that Democratic candidate John Kerry won the debate over President George W. Bush. However, many Republicans have raised questions concerning John Kerry's tactics during the third debate hoping to divert attention away from the fact that Kerry, by most accounts swept the debates from Bush.

Vice President Dick Cheney's wife Lynne Cheney was indignant about John Kerry stating that Mary Cheney was a lesbian during the third debate. "I couldn't believe he called my Mary the L-word. What a horrible man! Only my husband and I can call her that. And I'm perfectly okay with that lifestyle of hers. Why I even wrote about women who like women in my 1981 novel, Sisters. So I'm perfectly comfortable with the G-word and the L-word." She then broke down crying and muttering to herself, "Why is she doing this to us?"

Dick Cheney supported his wife's statements. "I can't believe he'd point out that my daughter is...ummm...you know...that way. I know I've said she's...ummm...you know...that way before while on the campaign trail. But to call her a...you know...one of those...during a debate is unspeakably vile."

Other Republicans came to the forefront to whine and support the Cheneys. Alan Keyes, Senate candidate in Illinois, said. "I can't believe that Osama loving liberal brought that selfish hedonist into the debate. Everyone knows that homosexuals are on the express train to damnation. Why bring up their sorry lot during the debate?"

Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, said, "John Kerry was gay-baiting, no doubt about it. He was way out of line. How dare he mention that morally contemptuous hell bound hussy? And saying that homosexuality is not a choice. Come on! Mary Cheney has chosen her path to Satan. Let her rot with the rest of her kind! Vote Bush-Cheney!"

Bush supporters also chimed in with their views. Reverend Ronald Revelle of The Second Evangelical Church of The Rapture, in Possum Creek, Georgia, said, "Like my brethren Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell have said, gays and lesbians and Bill Clinton are the cause of all our troubles in the world. They will surely burn in the fires of hell and become concubines of Satan for all eternity. Except Mary Cheney. Lucky for her, she'll probably squeak through the pearly gates thanks to the virtuousness of her parents, Dick and Lynne Cheney."

Melvin Thompson of Grand Dike, Minnesota, said, "Thank goodness, Dick Cheney has taken the focus off the Iraq War, the gargantuan deficit, and inadequate healthcare, and put it squarely back on the horrors of homosexuality, where it belongs."

Lila Simpkins of Gator Gulch, Florida, said, "All I knows is I don't be wanting no wolves coming after me. I'm a sheep. Baaaahhh! Tell me what to do Mr. President! Tell me what to do!"

Drug Giant Denies Side Effects

Pharmaceutical giant Drugzilla, denied that their controversial anti-inflammatory drug, Butoxx, is causing distressing side effects in users, like excessive fatigue, bloody stool and flu-like symptoms. Several victims are now organizing a lawsuit against Drugzilla to get compensation for the defective drug.

Daryl Rowe, a machinist from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, has been using the drug for about six months and said the side effects are awful. "This stuff was supposed to help me with my arthritis. I mean my hands are my livelihood. Instead, I take it and I start getting feverish. I've got the bloody runs when I wake up in the morning. I get violent flatulence while I'm working. Sometimes I start urinating uncontrollably. My skin broke out in a head to toe rash last week. And I'm always feeling lethargic, like a wet sponge. It got so bad that I lost my job, because I kept falling asleep. Now I can't even afford prescriptions because I lost my health insurance when I lost my job. Now I'm no doctor, but I don't think you're supposed to feel like dying after taking a prescription."

Drugzilla spokesman, Sally Whitman said, "These rumors of side effects for Butoxx are just ludicrous. We categorically deny any persistent side effects other than a slight headache, slight diarrhea, and slight sterility. This is just another example of greedy, lazy consumers taking the poor drug companies to court in a frivolous lawsuit, when all we are trying to do is help everybody out of the goodness of our hearts. We're not concerned about profits. Really. We're not. Honest. I wouldn't kid about that."

However, septuagenarian Fred Clark, of Davenport, Iowa, who is one of the victims suing in the pending lawsuit, said, "I'm a senior citizen on a fixed income. I can't do much anymore because of my arthritis, but I do still like to tinker around in the garden, go for walks and play bingo. I took this medicine to control the pain and instead I get terrible headaches, excessive gas, joint pain, and muscle pain. I've put on twenty pounds, my skin is all yellow and I've lost my hair. My big toe even fell off last week. Now considering I'm spending almost half my social security on drugs, I can't afford to spend money on medicine that not only doesn't help me, but makes me worse off. This drug is defective and I'm miserable because of it! I want justice!"

Whitman answered by saying, "Oh please. Stop with the sob stories already. Haven't you heard what President Bush has been saying during the debates? Tainted drugs come from third world countries like Mexico, Canada and England, not from the U.S. Yes, we at Drugzilla dare say that Butoxx is the wonder drug of the new millennium. Now go out and support the U.S. economy and grab more Butoxx!"

Local Urchin Told To Hold Sign

Hyperactive nine-year old Tommy Mason, was given the task of holding a 'Garage Sale' sign this weekend after cavorting around the tables and breaking items his mother had put out for sale in the driveway of her home in the Cactus Gully Subdivision.

Tommy's mother, Karen said from her lawn chair in her driveway. "He's just such a little pistol when he gets sugar in him. I guess I shouldn't have given him three bowls of Sugar O's this morning, but he just loves his cereal. Then he ate a candy bar and drank some pop. Next thing I know, he and that little ragamuffin, Johnny Foreman, from next door, are zipping underneath the china table, breaking old vinyl LP's with a hammer, and squirting water all over the collectible books we're trying to sell." She took a drag off her cigarette. "What a cute little rascal!"

Tommy's aunt, Margie, who was on hand to help with the sale, piped in, "Well, he was breaking all of our goods. I swear he takes after his no good father he does. So I says to Karen, I says, 'Karen, that little demon spawn is going to break everything before we can sell it.' Then I says to Karen, I says to her, 'Why don't you get rid of him and his little friend by sending them down the street and hold a sign advertising the garage sale?' Then Karen looks at me and says, she says, 'Margie, you're a genius!' And I am, you know." She adjusted the curlers in her hair, puffed her cigarette and scratched the hair on her legs. "I don't know why I'm not married yet."

Tommy retrieved some magic markers, spread out some cardboard on some his mother's good linen, and made up a couple of 'Garage Sale' signs. After marking up most of the sheets, he and Johnny grabbed the signs and started racing out of the driveway, knocking over and breaking a Tiffany lamp and kicking over and shattering a rare Emmett Kelly glass clown figurine. Karen shook her head, lit up another cigarette and said, "What am I going to do with that child?"

When last seen, Tommy and Johnny apparently tired of holding the signs and were instead mooning passing cars at the busy Cactus Corners intersection of Roadrunner and Coyote.

Top Excuses For The New York Yankees

The Boston Red Sox beat the New York Yankees this past week to advance to the World Series in the greatest comeback in Major League history. Down three games to none, the Red Sox mounted an unbelievable charge, which culminated in a decisive victory Wednesday night in Yankee Stadium. Many are speculating as to what caused the Yankees spectacular collapse. Our intrepid staff has come up with the top excuses for the Evil Empire's demise.

	Players are grossly underpaid
	Thought being ahead 3-0 meant automatic berth
	Distracted by Johnny Damon's flowing locks
	Tanked on purpose; didn't want to miss any more episodes of Desperate Housewives
	Didn't have Gomy 'Slugger' Dinkman's bat in the lineup
	Felt woozy after seeing blood on Curt Schilling's leg
	Paralyzed with fear by Wally the Green Monster
	"Let's see. Should I winter in Aruba, Tahiti or Fiji this year? Oh shit! The ball!"
	Felt totally jilted after learning that Ben Affleck likes the Red Sox and not the Yankees
	Jealous of all those lucky teams who get to sit on their ass watching the Series on their big screen TV, drinking beer and eating wings
	Spooked by spectre of Ted William's head floating around Fenway Park
	Preoccupied with thoughts of the impending Star Jones nuptials
	Unnerved by Steinbrenner playing with a miniature guillotine up in his box
	Mystique and Aura moved out of town
	It was all Bill Clinton's fault