Last week, as I was eating some falafel and getting loofahed by my production assistant, Candy, I was thinking. Next week is election week and many people out there may not know the proper etiquette for placing their vote in a polling place. For many, this is their first election. There are several voters who are returning to the polls after many years of feeling disenfranchised. The whole experience can be daunting and confusing. Why don't I, Dex Rexter, editor-in-chief of the BilgeBucket Gazette, the hottest satirical webzine in Cactus Corners, Arizona, do something to rectify the situation? Why don't I put forth a voting guide, which will...ummm...guide the people through all the perils and pitfalls of voting in American elections?
So, I called my intern Heather on my cell phone and had hot, steamy phone sex with her, while Candy massaged me with a vibrator. Then I got straight to work on that guide. Fifteen minutes later, it was done. So I present to you, the loyal readers of the BilgeBucket Gazette, our handy dandy, rootin' tootin', Guide To Voters Etiquette At The Polling Place. And when you go to the polls on November 2nd, tell 'em Dex sent ya.
 | Don't bring your girlfriend and make out in the polling booth. Do that in the car after you vote. |
| The polling booth is not a shower. So don't come in your bathrobe, carrying soap and shampoo. You'll be greatly disappointed. |
| Angry voters should resist the urge to punch out the voting clerk when she asks you your name. Save your anger for afterwards, when you punch out the guy handing out 'I voted today' stickers. |
| Don't doodle on the ballots. This could result in a vote for Ralph Nader. |
| If voting electronically, make sure to get a receipt verifying your choices. If receipts aren't available, get used to another four years of George W. Bush. |
| Voting is not a test. Don't peek into the next booth and ask 'What did you get for Senator?' |
| When voting for propositions, if you're not familiar with the issues, just vote yes, no, yes, no, etc... In all likelihood, they won't be enforced anyway. |
| Remember, this is a secret ballot. Don't yell out your choices to everyone at the polling place. |
| When voting to retain judges, just vote no on all of them. That'll show those bastards who's boss! |
| If you don't like the given candidates, write-in a candidate of your choice. Choose a real funny name like Willy Wanker, Jim Shoo or Amanda Hugandkiss. This will surely delight the vote counters. |
| Be sure and put your ballot in the ballot box, not the trash can. If the trash can is marked 'ballot box', quickly consult your local election official. |
| When you receive your 'I voted today' sticker, resist the urge to place it on the tip of your nose. That's just stupid and tasteless. Instead, place it on your crotch. |
