Bush Sez: "Everything is Hunky-Dory in Iraq!"

President Bush said in a press conference to the American people today that the reconstruction of Iraq couldn't be going better and that everything is "hunky-dory!"

"I'm telling you, the Iraqi people just love us!" said Bush. "They're opening shops, building oil pipelines, playing in the streets, building oil pipelines, constructing hospitals, building oil pipelines. Things just couldn't be going better. They're peachy keen. Just repeat that over and over."

Jennifer McCann, from Newsblog asked the President why American soldiers were still getting killed almost daily five months after Bush declared the war over. "Those are just isolated incidents. I mean compared to Vietnam, hardly anyone's gotten killed. Iraqis just love us. Repeat after me everyone. Things are just fine and dandy. This isn't just a Marketing 101 ploy, people. You know where I say things over and over again until you believe it's true. No. Things are just ducky. Kosher. Copacetic. A-okay. Nifty-keeno. Loosy-Goosy. Gnarly. Righteous. Groovy."

Leonard Holliday, from The Interrogator then asked the President why America wouldn't let the United Nations have a bigger role in the rebuilding of Iraq. "Well first of all, those pansy-asses wouldn't help us attack Iraq so nuts to them! Second of all, Iraqis love us." Bush then pulled out a top hat and cane and starting dancing and singing. "Things look swell. Things look great. They've got the whole world on a plate. Starting there. Starting now. Everything's coming up roses."

Wallace Jones, from The Town Crier then asked if the administration had a clear strategy for rebuilding Iraq and exiting when finished. "We definitely have a clear strategy in rebuilding Iraq," said Bush. " I'd like to share it with you right now…wait. What's that? Look! It's Saddam Hussein." Bush pointed toward the rear of the room causing the press to turn. He then mumbled "Suckers!" and bolted out of the room.

Rumsfeld Put Out To Pasture

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is reportedly being put out to pasture according the officials in the Bush Administration. Rumors about his falling out of favor with the administration have abounded since National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice was recently named head of the newly formed Iraqi Stabilization Group.

"We feel Donald's best days are behind him," said White House Chief of Staff, Andy Card. "Nowadays he's just cranky and irritable all the time. There's a nice pasture not too far from the White House that will be perfect for him. The fillies still find him sexy for some reason, so there is the possibility of using him as a stud. You can never have too many conservative Republicans!"

When told of the administration's plan, Rumsfeld stamped his foot twice and whinnied approval.

Roving Chess Gang Terrorizes Local Coffee Shop

A Cactus Corners chess gang, The Knights in White Satin, has recently been reported bothering patrons at the Frazzled Coffee Shoppe according to owner Tina Weathers.

"They come in here on Wednesday nights dressed in their jeans and t-shirts, order their drinks and just take over the middle three tables," said Weathers. "They take out their boards and chess clocks and start playing. They just sit there. Thinking. It's horrible!"

Regular patron Byron Ray agrees. "It's like freaky deaky man," he said, brushing the dreadlocks from his eyes. "It's like they're taunting me saying, 'Look how smart I am. I'm playing chess.' They're like so arrogant. I could play chess if I wanted to. It's just like checkers, right?"

"We like this coffee shop," said club leader Kyle Boden. "It's got a casual ambience, good coffee and we love checking out the babes in between moves. They really dig chess players you know."

According to witnesses, the Rookies, a Scottsdale chess gang, will sometimes come in on Wednesday nights and sit in tables adjacent to the Knights. Then the members of each club will size each other up, always looking over their shoulders at games going on at other tables.

"Tony Benko is their leader," said Boden. "But I've seen him play. His middle game sucks! And he wouldn't know how to play a Kings Indian Defense to save his life. I think I can take him."

Counter clerk, Jessica Lamb, admitted that while they make patrons uncomfortable, there is a certain attraction to the gang. "They scare me, but then again I find them attractive, especially their leader. There is something dangerously sexy about a man who can successfully execute a King's Gambit. Ummmm. What a rebel!"

Top Halloween Costumes For 2003

Halloween is fast approaching and it's time to think about what costume you'll be wearing for this year's parties. The BilgeBucket staff is here to help. We've compiled a list of the hottest costumes for Halloween 2003.

	A foul ball grabbing Cubs fan
	An Oxycontin addict
	The Arby's Oven Mitt
	A member of a roving chess gang
	Liza Minelli in a leopard print bikini
	Clay Aiken in a leopard print bikini
	A compassionate conservative
	A Democrat with a spine
	Dieting Oprah
	Fat Oprah
	A racing bratwurst
	A priest
	Michael Jackson
	Michael Jackson as a priest
	The Governator