Republicans Rave About Bush's Debate Performances

GOP insiders were agog after President Bush's performance in the first debate last week in Miami and this week in St. Louis.

White House political strategist, Karl Rove, said, "President Bush performed brilliantly. He used the 'Rope-A-Dope' strategy to perfection. He made all those verbal miscues and misstatements on purpose to lull 'Lurch' Kerry into a false sense of security. Those long moments of silence when he started answering questions and looked like a deer in the headlights: classic Bush. He's got ol' Horse Face right where he wants him. He's just setting him up for a big punch in round three where he will channel the speaking talent of St. Ronald Reagan himself, to put the nails in 'Osama' Kerry's coffin. Remember, President Bush is good friends with God."

White House aide Karen Hughes agreed, "There is no question President Bush was in control not only in the second debate but also in the first debate. He hammered home the message that it's hard work being president and running the war on terror. He drilled home the point that you can't send mexed missages...oooops. See how easy it is to screw that up. He has brilliantly stated the case that despite no WMDs or links between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda, he was perfectly justified in getting our troops into a war with no clear exit strategy. I tell you one thing. If Laura wasn't married to this man, I'd be on him like flies on doo-doo!"

Democratic pundit, James Carville, expressed support for John Kerry and dismissed notions that Bush even stayed close to his opponent. "John Kerry cleaned Bush's clock; plain and simple. How can anyone who watched those debates have even remotely concluded that Bush won? Dubya looked like a sputtering chimp up there. I know third graders who could've given better responses. He's made a mess of Iraq. The deficit is monstrous. He's given polluters carte blanche by rolling back regulations. He has lost over a million jobs. This is the person people want to lead them for the next four years? I think not."

However, many Bush supporters still back their candidate. Linda Jones, of Hucksterville, Georgia, said, "I just loved those cute little smirks he gave that evil John Kerry. He looked so presidential."

Jed Fenwick, of Rebel Valley, Tennessee, said, "I thought he looked great. I loved the way he jumped excitedly off his chair and rudely interrupted everybody. That's just what I do."

Barbara Adair, of Festering Gully, Texas, said, "John Kerry talks way too much and he looks French. I like a leader who can say what he's going to do in five words or less, no matter how complex the subject is. I can understand that."

Jethro Muggs, of Goochiecoochie Swamp, Florida, said, "I think being President is hard. I mean it's hard work. And President Bush is working hard. Because being President is hard."

Tiger Woods Bags Swedish Goddess

In a simple ceremony last week on the island of Barbados, top PGA golfer Tiger Woods married his hot Swedish girlfriend, Erin Nordegren. Nordegren used to be the sexy nanny to the children of Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik.

The couple was married at the Sandy Lane golf resort right on the 18th hole. Woods was dressed in old-fashioned knickers, high socks, golf shoes, an argyle sweater worn over a golf shirt, and a stylish plaid tam o'shanter cap. The bride was radiantly dressed in a nice white golf blouse, a smokin' white mini-skirt, high-heeled golf shoes and a white tam o'shanter cap.

The announcer for the wedding was veteran golf broadcaster Verne Lundquist. In a hushed voice he gave the play-by-play of the nuptials. "Tiger Woods is approaching the 18th hole. He had a tremendous approach shot and now he's going for all the marbles. He takes out his wood. No. He puts it back in. He's going to try for long putt. He's lined up with the hole, er..., Erin. He says 'I do!' What a shot. He read it perfectly. Now it's Erin's turn. She looks at his putter. She looks at his bulging wallet. She smiles and says 'I do!' I just may have to raise my voice here. I can hardly maintain my enthusiasm. The crowd is going wild. The couple turns, and acknowledges them by doffing their caps. They're on their way to the clubhouse to celebrate their victory."

Among the guests were several black and white millionaires and billionaires: Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan, Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates. Guests dined on foods designed for rich folks like caviar, truffles, flying fish, flying squirrel, flying insects, rhinoceros horns, shark fin soup, reindeer testicle salad and bottles and bottles of Lafite Rothchild wine.

At the reception, popular '90s band, Hootie and the Blowfish, sang their hit songs, Only Wanna Be With You and Let Her Cry repeatedly for guests.

Oprah Winfrey described the wedding with tears in her eyes. "Oh it was so beautiful! After they each said 'I do', I just loved when the preacher said, 'Tiger, you may now make your putt.' How clever! And I really loved the golf ball size diamond he put on her finger. Steadman, you paying attention?"

Charles Barkley said, "All I know is that Erin is fine! What a hot, voluptuous, sensuous, Swedish, babe!"

The couple will vacation in Barbados before heading off to their new home, the Augusta National Golf Club, which Woods will purchase when he returns.

Child Obesity Tied To Sitting On Ass

Researchers at the Wynonna Research Institute have released findings that obesity in children in directly related to the amount of time they sit around on their ass and do nothing.

Chief Scientist Wilfred B. Bullywhuckers said, "We believe that today's children are obese because basically they're sitting on their ass all day long watching T.V., playing video games and just eating sweets. They just don't exercise enough and as a result we're having an epidemic of child obesity. In the old days, before T.V., we use to go outside, play Red Rover, Red Light-Green Light, Kill The Man With The Ball and other wholesome childhood games. Now its home from school, grab a bag of Doritos, sit on the couch and watch Japanimation. No wonder they're little blimps."

Overweight child, Morty Grunwald said as he munched on a Three Musketeers bar, "I get my exercise. I play John Madden Football, and Kobe Bryant's Slam Dunk basketball on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Plus I'm really into Doom III right now. You've got to be in good shape to escape from some of the demons in that game."

Statistics show that not only are 13 percent of children in the United States obese, but almost 60 percent of adults are obese. Many blame this high rate on diet: eating too much fatty, sugary and salty food, eating fast foods, and not eating enough grains, fruits and vegetables.

Mildred Sands, whose 14-year-old son, Donald weighs 250 pounds says, "Oh, its just baby fat. He's a growing boy. I know he just plays Halo all day long and he never lifts a finger around the house, but boys will be boys. Plus, he just loves candy and ice cream bars. How can I say no to a face like that? Besides, I'm not one of those parents who likes to tell their children what to do, you know, what do they call it...ummmm...parenting. Ooops. I gotta run. It's time to relax with my quart of Hagen-Dazs and watch my soaps."

Top New Names For Montreal Washington Expos

The Montreal Expos are ending their 35 year stay in Montreal and moving to Washington D.C. next year to play baseball. The last team to play in Washington was the old Washington Senators of the American League, who played their last game in 1971 and moved to Texas to become the Rangers for the 1972 season. Many people are pondering as to what the new nickname of the team should be. We here at the BilgeBucket have come up with a short list of names that should be considered.

	Washington Blowhards
	Washington Kickbacks
	Washington Intern Bangers
	D.C. Cherry Blossoms
	D.C. Cabs
	Washington Gasbags
	Washington Generals (oops! Already taken!)
	Washington Rear Admirals
	Washington Snollygosters
	Beltway Baby-Kissers
	Capital Critters
	Capital Nuisances
	Capital Offenses
	Washington Crack Addicts
	Washington Influence Peddlers
	Washington Crooks