Bush Supports Troops By Granting Less Time With Families

President Bush and Senate Republicans successfully defeated a bill that would have permitted servicemen to spend an equal amount of time on leave with their families as time spent doing previous tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. They then blasted Democrats and members of the organization MoveOn for criticizing General Petraeus’ comments stating the surge was working.

“I am astonished and appalled,” said President Bush. “I can’t believe those people at MoveOn.org would actually be so disrespectful to our fighting men and women in Iraq with their despicable ‘General Betrayus’ ad. I, on the other hand have shown that I love and support our troops by successfully defeating that stupid ‘bi-partisan’ bill that would have given troops equal time at home with their families. People, soldiers don’t want to spend time with their loved ones. They love fighting the bad guys in Iraq and by bad guys I mean Al-Qaedas and the Sunni insurgents that arent’ fighting Al-Qaeda and the Shiites that are aligned with Iran and against the Sunnis and the Ba’athists separatists and the tribal factions fighting for territorial control. Our soldiers love discovering IED’s and riding around the Green Zone in unarmoured Hummers. It’s exciting. I mean if I didn’t have to President, I’d love to be right over there with them.”

Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh agreed with the President. “It’s just appalling that MoveOn.org would dare criticize any of our military leaders like General Petraeus. It’s contemptible and downright indecent. But what really outrages me was that they stole that idea from me. I originally called Senator Chuck Hagel, ‘Senator Betrayus’ way back in January because he wanted out of the Iraq War. I’m the clever one here, not them. They’re nothing but liberal, terrorist loving copycats.”

Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid criticized the Republicans for not passing the bill. “Our Republican colleagues are more interested in protecting our president than our troops. This is Bush's war. Don't make it also the Republican senators’ war.” He then paused, shook his head and said. “I’m sorry. That was way out of line. Please, my Republican friends, please don’t be mad at me. Pretty please! I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

Soldiers took the news good naturedly. Private Jeff Peterson, who is deployed in Baghad, said, “Oh that’s okay. Holidays are overrated anyway. I know I missed my daughter’s first steps, and first words but hey, there’ll be other milestones. I hope.”

Sergeant Bill Davis said, “I got to say, a little bit more with the family would have been nice but I understand. I mean someone has to maintain order over here while the Iraqi government goes on vacation after vacation instead of running their @^&%!#* country.”

Lieutenant Kevin Linney said, “President Bush said he’d love to be over here with us, eh? Well, I tell you what. He can come over here and take my place and I can go back home and take his place. And you know what; I’d do a damn better job than he’s done. And you know what my first order of business would be. To go and kick Rush Limbaugh’s ass! I’ll show you phony soldier, you stupid #*&&$*#*&@, ***$#@(@%#@, jerk.”

Bush finished his statements to the press by saying. “I just want to praise General Petraeus for courageously saying exactly what I wanted him to say unlike those terrorist loving generals I had to dismiss before him because they didn’t agree with me. How dare they question me? Don’t they know I talk to the Big Guy upstairs? What’s that God? Iran has weapons of mass destruction and you want me to invade as soon as possible? Thy will be done! God Bless America only!”

Disaster Capitalists Ask “What Would Jesus Charge?”

Recently, Blackwater, a private security contractor in Iraq, received a stinging rebuke from Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, who wants the company banished from Iraq for opening fire and killing of 11 civilians in mid-September. This has brought an analysis not only of security contractors or mercenaries in Iraq but also the whole ‘disaster’ capitalism that has become so pervasive during the Bush Administration. Not surprisingly, the Bush White House, Congressional Republicans and neoconservatives have stepped forward offering support for the contractors and companies who are making a killing off the war and the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

President Bush announced support for Blackwater and dismissed criticism of his Iraq policies and his response to Hurricane Katrina. “People, we’re not practicing war profiteering. Sure, we handed out a few no bid contracts in Iraq, and sure we’ve opened up charter schools on the Gulf coast in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. But we’ve just got to ask ourselves, ‘What would Jesus charge?’ I know God loves Americans best of all and he’d want us to make as much money as possible. Like the Bible says, ‘Moneyness is next to Godliness.’ Or something like that.”

Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his secret, underground lair and grunted, “We feel that contractors like Blackwater and especially Halliburton are doing the best they can in a difficult situation. Not that Iraq is a difficult situation, because as we all know, everything is going splendidly in Iraq. And anybody who says differently wants the terrorists to win.”

Press secretary Dana Perino said, “This problem has been addressed with Blackwater and they said that in the future, instead of shooting at Iraqis directly, they’ll yell really loudly first that they’re going to start shooting and then they’ll count to five using the one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi method and then they can blast away. This is really pretty generous behavior according to the mercenary code of ethics so the Iraqis should feel privileged.”

Dennis Brown, a spokesman from The International Human Rights League, said, “This is outrageous behavior that should be stopped. Like Naomi Klein has mentioned in her new book, The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism, our government and corporations have taken advantage of disasters around the world, like the Iraq War, the Asian tsunami’s, Hurricane Katrina and 9/11 to get rich. Homeland Security is now a $200 billion a year industry and the entire Gulf coast is now a tax-free enterprise haven. In New Orleans, they’re trying to make public housing there into condos. As far as the war is concerned, Iraq’s misfortune is Blackwater’s good fortune. Back in 2001, Blackwater had less than $1 million worth of government business. Since then, the company has received more than $1 billion in U.S. taxpayer funds, including a huge no-bid contract with the State Department. Something must be done to stop this shameless profiteering. But let me know first because I’ve got to sell off my Blackwater and Halliburton stocks.”

Neoconservative journalist, John Stossel, who famously defended the people trying to make a buck after Hurricane Katrina said, “Give me a break! What’s wrong with charging people five or ten bucks for a bottle of water? If I’ve got water and you don’t why shouldn’t I make some money? Give me a break! That’s why they call it capitalism; you capitalize on other people’s needs.”

Local Man Scores Wearing Winning Sports Jerseys

Local sports fans, Mike Brown, who lives in the Cactus Vista subdivision, likes the wear sports jerseys everywhere he goes. What’s more, he likes to wear the jerseys of the latest champions in a sport because he believes it conveys to people that he’s a winner.

“I love all sports,” said Brown, wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey. “I’m also into looking as good as possible. I want people to think I’m a winner. That’s why I always buy clothing of all the winning teams and wear them everywhere I go. People take one look at me, see that I’m wearing a winning jersey and they say to themselves, ‘Hey, he like the Spurs. That guy’s a winner’. Since I’m pretty nicely built, I’ve had a few people come up to me and actually ask if I was a member of the team. Like two years ago, after the White Sox won the World Series, I went out and bought an authentic White Sox uniform jersey. The next night, I was at a bar wearing that jersey and this one chick comes up to me and asked me if I played on the White Sox. Well, of course I lied and said yes. Chicks dig athletes. Man, I scored big time, pun intended.”

Brown’s co-worker at Fielding Telemarketing Services, Shaniece Williams, admires Brown’s attitude. “There’s something about him. He’s always walking cool-like with that L.L. Cool J swagger and wearing all that sports bling. The fact that he’s always wearing clothes of winning teams tells me, he’s a winner. I know he’s just a junior sales agent and he’s almost been fired about five times since last year, but he’s got it going on in a big way. He can rock my world anytime.”

Brown’s boss, Ted Abramson, also admires Brown’s taste in sports teams. “He may not be much of a worker. Hell, his sales record is downright abysmal. But he sure knows who to root for and that’s a-okay in my book. I mean one day he’ll wear an Anaheim Mighty Ducks jersey and the next day, he’ll waltz in with a Rochester KnightHawks tee-shirt. The man knows about hockey and lacrosse. Or he looks like he knows about hockey and lacrosse. That impresses me. You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie. I smell management material.”

Brown does have his detractors. Clyde Roberts, who works out with Brown at CC Fitness Emporium, said Brown is just a phony. “Man that guy is such a douche. First of all, he’s hardly athletic. Usually, he comes in, does a couple of bicep curls, and then spends the rest of the time chatting up the women. He’s a fat ass. He’d probably be able to do a forty yard dash in four minutes. Second of all, he doesn’t know squat about sports. Ask him anything about strategy in baseball, football and basketball and he wouldn’t know an end around run from a suicide squeeze. All he knows how to do is bullshit.”

Eccentric neighbor Brad DeLuca said, “What happened to fan loyalty? Brown just changes favorite teams like I change a pair of underwear; every other week. You’ve got to stick by your team no matter what. Believe you me, if the Cardinals ever win the Super Bowl, or get in the playoffs or have a winning season for that matter, I promise you, I’ll be right there in the locker room celebrating with them whether they want me there or not. Go Cardinals!”

Brown dismissed Roberts’ and DeLuca’s comments. “Don’t be hating. That Roberts dude’s just jealous ‘cause I’m smoove with the ladies and I know how to wear my bling. And that DeLuca dude…he’s just weird. I’m a winner. I mean look at me; I’m wearing a Colts jersey.”

Top Jennifer Lopez's Hotel Demands

Jennifer Lopez has recently kicked off a concert tour with her husband Marc Antony and like any modern, ludicrously wealthy diva, JLo has a list of demands that must be matched for her to live in a manner in which she’s accustomed, especially now that she’s rumored to be preggers. Well the Bilge Bucket staff has done some sleuthing and we’ve found a list of demands from her recent stay in London. But remember folks; despite all the pampering, she’s still Jenny from the block.

	Two pints of skim yak milk
	A layer of scented rose petals on every square inch her queen size bed
	A television set that plays Gigli non-stop
	Exactly eight and 1/2 bags of plain M&M’s with only green M&M’s inside
	Exactly twelve and 1/2 bottles of pure Puerto Rican spring water
	Exactly six and 1/2 male servants dressed only in Speedos and constantly waving palm fronds
	Wheat crisps salted with exactly 5 grains of salt apiece
	A keg of Schlitz beer
	Pictures of ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends crying on the wall
	Juan Valdez and his donkey personally grinding coffee in the kitchen nook
	A case of prune juice
	A case of Salem menthols
	A case of pork rinds
	Black Jack chewing gum
	An extra large butt warmer