Bush Moves Permanent Residence From State Of Texas To State Of Denial

President Bush announced last week that he will move his permanent residence from the state of Texas to the blissful state of Denial. He also announced that his whole administration including Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will also be buying homes in Denial, although no one is sure where this state is located. This move coincides with the release of Bob Woodward’s new book, State of Denial, which claims that Bush has avoided telling the truth about the Iraq War to the public and that Iraq is a now a failed state on the verge of a civil war. It also comes on the heels of a recent Intelligence report by 16 government agencies which state that the Iraq War is breeding Islamic fundamentalists and not making the world safer.

“This move is going to be great,” said President Bush. “I understand that everything is better in the state of Denial: the war in Iraq is great, the deficit is under control, gas is plentiful, there are tangerine trees and marmalade skies, deer and antelope play, I’m undisputed King and people don’t ask questions. I understand my old friend Bob Woodward even wrote a book about this wonderful state. I hope he says a lot of good things about me like he did in his other books. I fully intend to read it as soon as I get a chance. As you all know, I’m a reading machine now. I just got through The Jungle Book, all by myself. I’ve got to get through Hardy Boys: The Secret of Skull Mountain by Friday or ol’ Turd Blossom’ll get really mad at me.”

Not surprisingly, Vice President Cheney was secretive about the move. “I’ll tell you where it’s at,” growled Vice President Cheney. “It’s none of your damn business! I’ll tell you another thing, too. The Iraq War was the right thing to do. If I had to do it all over again, even knowing that there were no weapons of mass destruction and there would be almost three thousand casualties, I wouldn’t change a thing. You know why? Because we don’t mistakes! Any other opinion emboldens the enemy and just shows what a god damn pussy you are. Now I’m going to recite the national anthem of Denial.” The vice president then covered his ears with his hands and started saying loudly “La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.”

Condoleezza Rice addressed claims in Woodward’s book that she brushed off warnings by George Tenet about Al-Qaeda in the summer of 2001. “Honestly I don’t remember anybody mentioning anything about anything. All I know is I was shopping for shoes and that memo that said something like Al-Qaeda determined to attack inside the United States came in and my dear husband…er…President was heroically clearing brush and then it was 9/11. If I knew then that it was going to be that important then I wouldn’t have done what I did. What exactly did I do again? I don’t seem to remember.”

Donald Rumsfeld defended his tenure as Secretary of State saying, “Am I going to step down as God of War? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Absolutely not! Why that would be absurd! I am tied to the stake and I must stand the course. I’m doing a heckuva job! Although I fear I am not in my perfect mind. The wheel has come full circle. Is this the promised end?” Rumsfeld then departed the podium and started roaming the room patting the press corp’s heads repeating the words “Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck…”

President Bush also denied the claims made by the intelligence reports and said the world is safer because of the Iraq War. “We must stay the course in Iraq because it is the front line on the War on Evil...er...Terror. I don’t care what those fancy schmancy reports say, we are too making the world safer and we’re not gonna withdraw troops from Iraq even if the only people who still support me are Barney and Pickles. So there!” Bush then stuck out his tongue at the press corp. “And now I’m going to hold my breath until all of you support me on the Iraq War.” Bush then held his breath until he lost consciousness after about a half a minute and was rushed off stage by press secretary Tony Snow and other staff members.

Space Tourist Ansari Having Buyers Remorse

The world’s first paying female space tourist, Anousheh Ansari, returned to Earth last week landing safely in Kazakhstan after spending ten days on the International Space Station. Ansari said she that the trip was great but that she was also having a little buyers remorse after paying $21.5 million dollars to make the trip.

“I am very glad to be home,” said a dazed and tired Ansari as she disembarked from her Soyuz TMA-8 capsule. “I really loved the trip but I’m starting to think was it really worth $21.5 million dollars? I mean I thought it would be like Star Trek or Star Wars with swooshing doors, talking computers and lasers. But it was more like being inside a really big dumpster with wires for ten days. Plus I did all these boring experiments on the effects of anaemia and backache in zero gravity. No shooting phasers, playing chess with robots or fighting Klingons; what a gip! Don’t get me wrong; I loved being weightless and seeing the Earth from above but I could have rented a space documentary and seen the same thing and still have $21.5 million in my bank account. There goes that mega shopping trip to Rodeo Drive.”

American astronaut Jeff Williams had high praise for Ansari. “Well she spent a lot of time in the bathroom but she really did a good job up there, especially when she saved our cabooses with that little emergency we had with the oxygen regeneration system. She told us exactly how to repair it. You didn’t hear about that problem? Oh…then…my mistake. Forget I said anything. It never happened.” Williams then loosened his collar and continued on. “How about those Mets? Do you think they can win the World Series?”

Cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov also had good things to say about Ansari. “She was one hot babe; and very smart, too. I think she was coming on to me big time. It would have been quite a thrill to do it in space. Sure she’s married, but come on… sex in space. It looked pretty fun in Moonraker!”

Officials from the Russian space agency regretted that Ansari was disappointed in her space flight. Spokesman Vladimir Kroschenko said, “Well that is too bad she didn’t like the trip but we did say non-refundable tickets. Sorry! Besides she was responsible for that toilet backup. She spent entirely too much time in the rest room. We kept telling her, it’s not a Hilton hotel in there. Oh, you did not hear about the toilet problem. Oh…then…it is my mistake. Forget I said anything. It never happened.” Kroschenko loosened his collar and continued on. “How about those Red Wings this year? Do you think they can take the Stanley Cup?”

Personal Trainer Not Very Motivating

Patrons at Cactus Corners Fitness have registered complaints recently over the training techniques of personal trainer Rocky Lane. Many have said his methods aren’t very motivating and that they leave the club feeling angry, insulted and frustrated.

“I’m very upset,” said Elaine Korbett. “I’m trying to trim down and firm up but this guy is hardly motivating. First of all, he’s got a beer gut and his insists on wearing these bicycling shorts so that his gut is just hanging out and his t-shirt barely covers it. Plus while I’m working out, he’s always eating something and it’s never very healthy. Last week, he was eating one of those chocolate covered ice cream waffle cones from Frozen Slab Ice Cream and barking out commands, ‘Go for it! Harder, harder! No pain, no gain!’; all the while licking the smooth pralines-n-cream ice cream and chewing the crunchy chocolate from the rim of the cone.” Korbett stopped to wipe drool from the corners of her mouth. “God I’m really beginning to hate him!”

Dave Shurwin agreed with Korbett. “That guy really chaps my hide! I pay $40 per session and he’s spending it all on Milky Ways and Snickers to taunt me while I’m blasting my abs. He says ‘the ladies are never going go for you if you don’t try harder.’ I’m sorry, but I find it hard to believe any woman would date this guy. I probably get more action than he does and I’m a minister. I’m seriously thinking about revoking my membership.”

Club Manager Serge Dimitri dismissed complaints against Lane. “Rocky, he’s just a big teddy bear. Sure he can be somewhat, how you say, ‘abrasive’. Sure he can be somewhat of an ‘asshole’. But that’s just Rocky! He’s such a character! What’re going to do? Honestly, where is tolerance today?”

Lane also denied any wrongdoing. “Rocky’s the best trainer at that gym,” he said as he took a drag off of his cigarette, referring to himself in the third person. “Rocky’s just a bit in your face and some people just can’t handle it, that’s all. Like that Korbett lady. She’s a grade A porker like that Kirstie Alley and she wants to slim down. Rocky says, fat chance. Hah! Rocky just made it funny! Rocky should be a comedian.” Lane took another puff on his cigarette and scratched his groin. “She’s just complaining ‘cause she wants to climb Rocky’s Mountain if you know what I mean. All the women want Rocky. Sure they say Rocky’s vulgar, repulsive, ignorant, stupid, gross, flatulent, boorish, repugnant, vile, obscene, crude, tasteless, obnoxious, malodorous, and completely uncouth, but they can’t take their eyes off Rocky’s bod. You could say Rocky is like a car wreck.” Lane then took a big swig of his beer and let out a gym-shaking belch. “Oh yeah! That works!”

Top Enemies Of Bill O’Reilly

Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly has released another book, Culture Warrior, this past week where he attempts to "expose the secular-progressive movement in our country for exactly what it is, to explain why it is so harmful for America, and to identify the movement's top leaders". Wow! What a warrior! And here we thought enemies lists were for junior high students and Richard Nixon. Well, we looked at the list of O’Reilly’s enemies and found some pretty shocking commentary about them. So watch your step America or Mr. Defender-of-truth-justice-and-the-American-way just may put you on his next list.

	Senator Ted Kennedy (liberal pinko senator)
	Walter Cronkite (liberal pinko journalist)
	Willard Scott (liberal pinko nice guy)
	Bert and Ernie (gay puppets)
	Lassie (gay dog)
	That odious Chester Einstein from the BilgeBucket Gazette (gay cactus groomer)
	Ann Coulter (wink wink - this is just to throw those stupid liberals off my trail)
	Oprah Winfrey (lezzie)
	Gayle King Winfrey (lezzie’s companion – don’t try and spin me!)
	The Geico Gecko (British accent – gotta be gay!)
	Mean old Mr. Jefferies from shop class (flunk me for stroking my dowels – I’ll get you!)
	Jarrod from Subway (gets more action than me – I’ll get you!)
	That guy who overcharged me for my loofah mitt back in December 2003 (you know who you are –I’ll get you!)
	The New York Times (liberal media)
	The Des Moines Shopping Saver (don’t save people money - Gouge! GOUGE!)
	Canadians (pussies!)
	Kittens (pussies!)
	Sunshine (makes my skin all blotchy!)
	Anybody who doesn’t think I’m the greatest living human being