Terrorists Approve Lifting Of Assault Weapon Ban

Terrorists and gun nuts alike from across the globe are applauding the expiration of the sale of assault weapons in the United States. The ban, signed into law in 1994, prevented the sale of weapons like AK-47, Colt AR15s, and UZIs from being sold over the counter at gun dealerships.

"Wow!" said Al-Qaeda operative, Abdul Al-Zaqawi. "This makes my job so much easier. Now I don't have to worry about sneaking weapons past security checkpoints. I just enter the country through the porous borders and buy my weaponry here. What a country! I wonder if I can get a grenade launcher."

Presidential Candidate John Kerry expressed concern about the ban lift, stating that most Americans support the ban and that the failure to renew the law is a blatant handout to the pro-Republican gun lobby led by the National Rifle Association (NRA). Kerry said, "George Bush chose to make the job of terrorists easier and make the job of America's police officers harder, and that's just plain wrong."

NRA members scoffed at Kerry's statements. Justin Martin of Plain River, Iowa, said, "America is all about owning a gun and John Kerry just doesn't understand that. I need my assault weapon for hunting. You really can't kill a quail effectively without an UZI"

Darryl Cooder, of Scarlet Thorax, Texas, said, "Alls I know is that John Kerry hates America. If he thinks I'm gonna give up my assault weapon, he's got another think coming. I'd rather sleep with my AK-47 than my wife. Hell, I'd marry it if I could. Maybe I'll support that queer marriage thing after all."

NRA president Charlton Heston, exuberantly proclaimed, "Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns!"

Al-Qaeda Terrorist Mohammed Saif Abdullah expressed not only support for the ban lift but also for President Bush. "I don't know why Dick Cheney thinks that Al-Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election," he said. "Thanks to George Bush and his invasion of Iraq, we are able to recruit more and more people every day from all over the Muslim world. We are also making progress in winning back Afghanistan. And just look at the gift George Bush just gave us! Maybe we can still get some nuclear weapons. I mean after all, he missed Pakistan giving nuclear secrets to North Korea and Iran. Four more years! Four more years!"

Local Company Enforces Mandatory Fun

Local Internet company, Swellco, Inc. has come up with a sure-fire way to boost employee morale. It has instituted a Fun, Fun, Fun day every last working day of the month.

Marketing manager, Biff Timmons, explained why the day was created. "Lately our employees have been putting in long, long, hours to meet some pretty strict, unattainable deadlines. We've just decided that this is our way of saying 'Gee, Thanks guys! You're doing a swell job!' And each Fun, Fun, Fun day will have a different theme. That's what will make it fun, fun, fun for all!"

This week's Fun, Fun, Fun day will be called "Rootin' Tootin' Rodeo". Everybody will come to work in western garb. In the morning, there will be a 'Rope the Li'l Doggie' contest. Biff Timmons will play the role of the steer. One representative from each department will then try to rope and hogtie him. The winner will get an official looking certificate stating that they won the contest. Then an official 'western' style meal will be served at lunch featuring beanie-weenies, potato salad, chips and sarsaparilla. In the afternoon, there will be a 'Barrel Racing' contest. In this case, the barrels will be computer monitors, placed randomly and carelessly on the ground around the office. One representative from each department will race around the monitors, and the fastest finisher will win and get branded with a temporary tattoo with the Swellco logo on it. The festivities will end with an official hoedown with western music played on a portable CD player and line dancing.

Employee reaction to the Fun, Fun, Fun day was mostly negative. "God, what a lame-ass idea!" said programmer Mark Seitz. "This is the best idea our marketing department can come up with? No wonder our company is going down the tubes! I think I'll have a cold that day."

Web developer Tom Eldred said, "If they really want to improve morale, they should give employees more money or more vacation time. Instead we get to rope Biff Timmons. I've had enough. I'm logging onto Monster!"

CEO Bradley Melkerson had some advice for his employees who may not be enthusiastic about the Fun, Fun, Fun day. "It's important that employees realize the hard work that went into the planning of the Fun, Fun, Fun day. This day is for you. Therefore, it is mandatory that employees have a good time or else. Oh, and if you break one of those computer monitors, you pay for it."

Biff Timmons concluded, "You get beanie-weenies, you get a Swellco Brand tattoo, and you get to rope and hogtie the ol' Biffer. How could that not be fun, fun, fun?"

Scientists Engineer Genetically Superior 'Über' Corn

MaizeReich, a leader in biogenetic engineering headquartered in Skokie, Illinois, has announced a breakthrough in the genetic engineering of vegetables. Last week, scientists revealed a new race of genetically engineered 'über' corn that has been created.

"Ya. Dis is truly a breakthrough!" said stoic Chief Scientist, Dr. Adolf Kernelstein, originally from Hamburg, Germany. "Dis corn is zuperior in every vay. Stalks vill grow over twenty feet high. Each head, ...er, ear vill have healthy blond tassels und zmooth strong husks and grow up to zix feet tall. Dey vill be able to talk, valk und take orders from deir masters...us! Vell, mostly me. Anyvay, dey will be impervious to pesticides und bacteria. Und because of deir huge ears, deir hearing vill be excellent." After pausing for a few seconds, Kernelstein continued. "Come on, people. Throw me a bone, here. Dat vas a joke. I mean scientists can be humorous, too. Ve're not all raving lunatics you know."

Kernelstein continued his briefing. "Ve believe dat advanced strains of de 'über' corn can be trained to do any task a human can do: from sveeping the drivevay, to shooting an AK-47, to piloting an assault vehicle at a government building." Kernelstein banged his fist on the podium and his voice became strident. "Dis corn vill be the finest in de land! Dere will be no question dat it vill be de dominant strain of corn, but alzo de master species of all earth, supplanting humans und bringing a new era of plant domination! Seig Heil!" Kernelstein excitedly raised his arm in a salute. He paused, looked around at the astonished faces of the press and sheepishly, lowered his arm to his side. "Dat is all."

Opponents have expressed deep concern about this genetically altered strain of corn. "This is a dangerous development," said Francine Baker of the Sierra Club. "If we continue to genetically alter vegetables, fruits and seeds, we're contaminating nature. Already, almost seventy percent of U.S. crops have genetically altered genes. Not only that, these altered crops may be harmful to humans, especially this so called 'über' corn." Baker paused and added. "I also think Dr. Kernelstein may be just a little unbalanced."

President Bush dismissed criticism and expressed support for the 'über' race of corn. "Oh those green, green lima beans don't like anything! I love corn, especially when I eat it with those little corn cob holders. Those things are fun. You know, Indians call corn maize. I just call it amazing. Get it. Amazing. Maize." He then chuckled to himself for five minutes.

Bush regained his composure and continued. "Usually I'm agin' smartsy, fartsy, scientists but I admire that Kernelstein fella's lust for power. Reminds me of me. Besides, this 'über' corn will be way cool. I like that it will take orders without giving any lip, unlike certain un-American liberals. And if that training them to shoot works, they'll be very welcome in Iraq. Boy I could us a way out of that mess. They'll fight for us and if they get killed, our boys will get a yummy meal and I don't have to worry about body counts or funerals. That's what I call win-win."

Top New Television Shows

Its Fall again and that means another new television season is underway. There are many high profile shows like Kevin Hill, Rodney, and Apprentice rip-offs like Mark Cuban's The Benefactor, which have many Americans salivating with anticipation. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of some of the sensational, high quality, entertainment gracing the airwaves this year.

	Sally Smith: Enema Nurse
	Harvey The Wino's Happy Hour
	Law & Order: Crossing Guard Unit
	Who Wants Healthcare?
	The In-Your-Face Comedy Show
	Get Humiliated By A Billionaire
	The Real World: Baghdad
	Bob Villa's Diagnosis: Mortar
	Yet Another Doomed Bonnie Hunt Sitcom
	CSI: Kalamazoo
	Extreme Trailer Park Makeovers
	Let's Shoot Some Bad Comics For Money
	Paris Hilton's Man Train
	Doctors, Lawyers, Cops, Firemen And More Doctors
	Just Plain Crap