Schwarzenegger Sez: "Screw California! I'll Take Iraq!"

Frustrated with the on again-off again California recall, Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared that he will forego the election and instead become the president of Iraq.

"Screw Gray Davis and the rest of California," said Arnold, dressed in camouflage and holding an AK-47 in his hand. "I've talked it over with President Bush and I will become the President of Iraq, which will now be called Arnoldstan."

"I've talked with Sylvester Stallone, aka Rambo, and he's agreed to be my Vice President. Jesse Ventura will be my Secretary of Studliness. Steven Seagall will be the Secretary of Pommeltude and Jean Claude Van Damme will be the Secretary of Whup-Ass. Little Gary Coleman will be my Secretary of Whatchutalkinabout. Oh and my wife Maria will be Secretary of Dictation, if you get my drift. Together we will come up with many witty catch phrases such as "Who's your Baghdaddy!" or "I'm going to Iraq your balls!" or "Consider this an occupation!" as we restore order to Arnoldstan."

Many Iraqi's who are still fighting against American troops expressed great anxiety with the news that Arnold will be ruling Arnoldstan. "Sweet Allah," exclaimed an insurgent who asked to remain nameless. "I've seen him in movies. He's made of metal. He's killed beasts from outer space." He then dropped his weapon and ran screaming across the desert.

Others were skeptical about his impending presidency. "He is not so great," said Tikrit resident, Hakm al-Hakr while taking a drag on a cigarette. "I saw Jingle All The Way. This man has obvious problems."

Rumor has it that already there is discord amongst his appointees. Steven Seagall has expressed disappointment with his designation. "Look at me! I should clearly be the Secretary of Whup-Ass. Or at least Studliness. Pommeltude! What the hell is that?"

President Bush expressed gratitude for Schwarzenegger's action. "This is great. Now when Iraq, er...I mean Arnoldstan, falls to pieces, I won't get the blame. Re-election. Here I come!"

Cardinals Fan Actually Affects Outcome Of Game

Rabid Arizona Cardinals fan, Beverly Poston, actually affected the outcome of the last Sunday's Cardinals-Packers game, from her Cactus Corners home.

"I was sitting there listening to the game like I do every Sunday," said the sixty year old Poston. "It was the first quarter and I was thinking, 'Jeff Blake should throw that ball to Boldin' and sure enough on the very next play he threw a strike to Boldin and he got down to the one. Next thing you know, it's touchdown Cardinals!"

"Then in the fourth quarter, when Favre was driving down the field, I was thinking, 'The Cardinals really need to stop him.' And sure enough, Dexter Jackson intercepted the ball and the Cardinals won!"

Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis was very appreciative of Poston's contributions. "Without a doubt Beverly made a difference. Like on our touchdown in the fourth quarter, we were on the one yard line and I was thinking about giving the ball to Emmitt Smith, but then I could hear Bev's voice in my ear saying, 'throw the ball, throw the ball'. Blake threw the ball to Hodgins and we go up."

Dexter Jackson concurred. "Beverly is amazing. I could just hear her saying we could win if we just stop them. The next play I iced the win with my interception. But it was Bev who deserves all the credit."

Poston has also affected many other events from her home like the Vietnam War, the 2000 presidential election, and Ben and JLo's breakup.

EPA Ways To Better Conservation

The EPA together with Vice President Dick Cheney and The Ronald Reagan Institute For Real Science have recently released a new and improved guide to conservation called "Neoconservation". The BilgeBucket Gazette presents to you some of the suggestions and fascinating findings stated in the report.

	Go out and buy a Hummer. NOW!
	Support your local utility company. Leave the lights on!
	Smog is good for you. Trees cause pollution. Go cut down a tree.
	Extinction is perfectly natural. The spotted owl's gonna die out eventually anyway.
	Crude oil is a necessary part of a caribou's diet.
	Global warming is good for the planet and the economy. Just think of all the land in Antarctica that can be developed if the ice caps melt.
	Less ozone means better suntans.
	It's our God given right as Americans to drill for and use every drop of oil on the planet.
	America has plenty of mountains. We can spare two, three or twenty for mining.
	Acid rain scrubs your body clean.
	Factories are our friends. Go hug a smokestack.