The Viceman Cummeth...And Scores

I couldn't have had a better weekend. That's because Friday night I picked up the latest video game in the Viceman Cummeth series by Dittmeier. I've got two words to describe it: It kills!!! Viceman Cummeth IV: Screwing The Man provides hours of entertainment. I played non-stop from Friday night all the way to early Monday morning. Armed with my stash of munchies: Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, Hershey bars, gummy worms and a twelve pack of Coke, I set out to conquer the Man.

This game is as addictive as its predecessors. The hero, Viceman Slappy D Dogg Diddy, former vice cop and rapper turned rogue vigilante, is up against his biggest opponent yet: the Man. You have to guide Viceman through several different scenarios: a gang infested hood; a warehouse district of crystal meth labs; a red light district loaded with pimps, hookers and transvestites; and the scariest of all, the chambers of Senators and Congressman.

The gang infested hoods are loaded with various dubious characters who are trying to kill Viceman. There's rival gansta rapper Big Fat Doughboy who would like nothing better than to blow Viceman away and take all his rap royalties. His henchman seem to be hiding behind every trash dumpster. Fortunately, the Viceman's arsenal is kick ass. Not only do you get a knife, a chainsaw, a pistol, a sawed off shotgun, and an AK-47, you also get a rocket launcher and tactical nukes. Nobody from Doughboy's posse is safe. If you're careful, you might get to score with a Doughboy's ho or two. But be sure and kill the bitches after you screw 'em or they'll stab you in the back. I learned that the hard way.

The crystal meth lab district is a maze of dimly lit alleys and potholed streets: inner city decay at it's finest. The crystal meth addicts come after you like zombies and they don't quit. Even after they've been blasted in the face a few times with a shotgun, all that crystal meth makes them like super men. Beware of the cops because not only are they after the druggies, they want the Viceman's ass, too. Fortunately, you can steal their night vision goggles which makes all the difference in the world. You don't want to score with any of the addicted women here or you become an addict, too. I learned that the hard way.

I enjoyed the red light district the most. The purpose here is to just score with as many hos as possible, hopefully without picking up an STD. Feel free to blow away the pimps and take their money. Beware of under cover cops posing as hookers. After a while you can tell who they are because they're not quite as slutty. I don't like to brag but I was pretty studly. I scored with 20 hos and only caught gonorrhea and crabs. The big danger here is the transvestites. If you have sex with one, you start wanting the pimps more than the hos. I learned that the hard way.

The finale, set in the halls of the U.S. Congress is downright evil. You are bombarded with politicians smothering you with empty promises and pleas for money and votes. Then from out of nowhere, you're slugged with a tax increase. Then, BAM, you're sold down the river thanks to a huge corporate donation. If this doesn't get you reeling, then you're hit with your loss of Social Security. Or the government accuses you of being a terrorist and hauls you off to Guantanamo Bay. You're best weapon at this juncture is an ACLU lawyer. If the Man wins here, you're sent back to hood with no weapons. Also, beware of the sexy interns. Sex with them will bring scandal and make you vulnerable for impeachment. I learned that the hard way.

The fourth level was definitely the toughest but I prevailed. I wish real life was more like Viceman Cummeth IV. Then I'd definitely be the Man.