Hayworth, Kyl Campaigns Use Republican Mantra
Campaign season is in full swing and two of Arizona’s incumbents, Congressman J.D. Hayworth and Senator Jon Kyl, are running their campaigns by focusing on the issue endorsed by the Republican Party for elections this fall: the war on terror.
Jon Kyl, who is running against newcomer Democrat Jim Pederson, spoke of his qualifications at a recent event, “Terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror,
and terror. Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, and fear. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11,
9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, and 9/11.”
In a speech about his qualifications and his years as a congressman, Hayworth, who is running against former Tempe mayor Harry Mitchell, reiterated the mantra. “Terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror,
terror, terror, terror, terror, terror and terror. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, and 9/11.” Hayworth then spoke about a topic
on which he is especially opinionated, illegal immigration. “Aliens, aliens, aliens, aliens, aliens, aliens, border, border, border, border, border, border, border, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror and terror.”
Hayworth then grunted and scratched at the ground with his foot.
Not surprisingly, Senator John McCain stepped in to defend his junior colleague against ads by Jim Pederson which inform the viewer of Kyl’s pro-oil industry, pro-corporation, anti-environmental, anti-consumer voting record in the
Senate. “Jim Pederson is just trying to give Jon Kyl a black eye by playing dirty politics; something Republicans would never consider doing. Jon Kyl is an ethical man. Trust me; I know ethics. Remember the Keating 5 scandal?
I’ve also hugged President Bush. Senator Kyl has supported the Bush agenda almost 95 percent of the time and we all know how ethical President Bush is. Wait a second… maybe I’m not helping here.”
Some people were outraged at the Kyl’s and Hayworth’s voting records during their tenures in office. Janice Stevens of Tempe said, “This in unbelievable! Kyl and Hayworth are both in the backpocket of corporate America and the
oil companies. Kyl voted for price gouging for Pete’s sake. He’s not for the average consumer. And the Medicare drug program is a complete gift to the pharmaceutical industry. My grandmother is paying more now than she did
before. And Hayworth and Kyl have continued to support drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. The U.S. Geological Survey has estimated there is a 9-12 month supply of oil there and it would take at least ten years before
we get any of it. How does this reduce our dependency of foreign oil? It’s just a huge gift to the oil companies who are already gouging consumers and posting record profits. These jokers need new jobs, scooping manure on
my uncle’s dairy farm in Chandler. They’re naturals at it.”
But most Arizonans for the most part agreed with Kyl, Hayworth and McCain. Millionaire J. Thomas Billington of Paradise Valley said, “My primary concern is the elimination of the estate tax. If they don’t get rid of that tax, I may not be able to buy that fifth house in Aspen that my wife and I have lusted for lo these many years.”
Edward Jelnick, of Scottsdale said, “Basically, I’m afraid of my own shadow anymore. According to reliable talk radio announcers, Rush Limbaugh, Don Imus and Michael Savage, al-Qaeda and those damn Mexicans and I’m sure other scoundrels like those
Swedes are invading our country as I speak. Therefore, I’m voting for Republicans because only Republicans can protect us from evil. Or at least that’s what’s been drilled into my head.”
Hank Hurley of Phoenix said, “I like what Senator Kyl says about terror; what is it? Oh yeah; terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, and terror. That’s catchy stuff!”
Bush To Make Salt Lake City U.S. Capital
Last week, President Bush enacted emergency legislation to move the capital of the United States from Washington D.C. to Salt Lake City, Utah. Bush explained to an astounded press corps the reasoning behind the move.
“We’re moving the U.S. capital to Utah because that’s the only state that still overwhelmingly supports me and my administration. You just gotta love the Mormons! They never question anything their leaders tell them.
At that American Lesion thingy-ma-bob, they just hung on Rummy’s every word… just like I do. It’s as if no one in Utah is paying any attention to what’s going on in the world…and that’s great for me. I could draft
all the Mormons and send them to Iraq and they’d still love me. Which gives me an idea…”
Not surprisingly, Vice President Cheney supported the move. “We need to be surrounded by yes men, people who support the President 100 percent; not those free thinking, freedom hating, terrorist loving Democrats who would
sooner make Osama Bin Laden king than do what’s best for America, which is of course stay the course in Iraq and possibly invade Iran. Yessiree! If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, especially the awarding of contracts to Halliburton. Yes that worked out very well.”
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld also commented on the move. “Am I surprised? A little. Am I happy? You bet. The Mormons don’t see me as a senile relic from the Nixon administration who has made one foreign policy
gaffe after another. No they see me like I see me; Patton, Eisenhower and MacArthur all rolled into one. Gosh darn it, I’m great!”
Utahns were ecstatic about the move. Nathan Bartman of Moab said, “This is great! There are tons of underground caverns which would make perfect underground bunkers for Vice President Cheney. Plus we’ve got tons of unspoiled wilderness that’s just dying to be drilled
for oil and mined for uranium. I know how much the President and Vice President love those things!”
Myrtle Lindner of Provo said, “This is so wonderful. What could be better than having the Osmonds and President Bush in the same state? Maybe having Jesus Christ come back to earth, but that will happen soon enough.”
Elder William Larson of Salt Lake City said, “George W. Bush is the greatest President we’ve ever had. He is truly a man of God. May I ask you a question? Are you going to heaven or hell when you die? I have some literature for you. Please feel free to join us for a picnic this Sunday at our Ward church so we may save your soul.”
Innovative Boss Makes Computer Programming Spectator Sport
G. Terrance Wallace, the Vice President of Technology at software company Conglomeris, located in the Cactus Corners Ocotillo Office Park, recently instituted a novel new program geared at increasing productivity and visibility for his employees as they toil away on a daily basis in their cubicles.
Taking a cue from the sports world, the innovative boss has made the cubicles into an arena and has invited people in to watch and cheer on his software engineers as they code and debug programs.
“This is a revolutionary move,” commented Wallace. “Time after time, my programmers complain that they’re working harder than any of those professional athletes and they’re smarter than those athletes but yet they earn decidedly less. Well, I can’t give my programmers a million
dollars. That would be ridiculous!” Wallace then chuckled for several minutes and continued. “Seriously, I can’t. But what I can do is increase the appreciation level for their work. Therefore, I’ve built a spectator area where fans can come and watch these guys
work their magic. I’ve built a concession stand where we sell hot dogs and sodas for fans. I’ve given the programmers numbered jerseys, with the Conglomeris logo of course. I’ve managed to coerce Vera and Ruth from Accounting to be cheerleaders. I’ve even printed
trading cards with the programmer’s pictures and programming stats on them. We’ve come up with stats like lines written per hour and bug fix quotient; it’s a stat junkie’s wet dream. We’re also in the works for bobbleheads. I predict that this will be the new trend of the future in high tech industry.”
Senior Software Engineer Larry Deaver said, “This is like a dream come true for me. I was never very athletic in school. I was on the chess team, but no one ever came to our matches. But I could code…code like the wind. Now, I’ve got cheerleaders rooting me on with chants like
‘Debug debug go go!’ Nothing motivates you faster than those foxy accounting babes egging you on. I fixed ten Class B bugs today and five Class A bugs. I was as they say ‘en fuego’.” Deaver then pumped his fist and accidentally hit it against his desk. “Ooowwwwieeeeee! Ooowwwwieeeeee!
I hurt my mouse hand! Injury time-out! Send in the medic!”
Cheerleader Ruth Rubinowitz said, “Oh this reminds me when I was a wrestling cheerleader in high school; I’m used to cheering at empty arenas. Hey, the boss is giving me an extra dollar an hour to do this gig so I don’t mind. That one programmer with the coke bottle glasses, Dan Schlueter,
is kinda cute. Sure he leads the department in introduced software bugs, but he’s due for some bug fixes. C-O-D-E Coooooooode! Yeah!”
Not all the programmers were enthused about the new program. Scott Majewski said, “This is so f***ing lame! Look at the cheerleaders. Ruth and Vera both got to be in their forties and I’m sorry, sweats just aren’t sexy or motivating. The stands are empty. The hot dogs are staler than the ones
at Kwik-n-Easy. The only reason Wallace is doing this is to get on the cover of TechNews. Terry’s a complete egomaniac. Not only that, he’s a bonehead. He wouldn’t know good code if it bit him on the ass. He doesn’t care about good programming practices, he just wants software ready for
demos so he looks good to headquarters and to do that, he’s got to push us like sled dogs with gimmicky tricks like this heap of dog doo. This blows!”
Database programmer Rick Oswald echoed Majewski’s sentiments. “Screw the trading cards. Pay me what they pay professional athletes and I’ll work my ass off. Hell pay me what they pay minor league athletes and I’ll work my ass off.”
Since the arena was opened one month ago, only two people have showed up to watch the programmers; one was a man who was waiting for a bus and had an hour to kill, the other was a homeless man who wandered in for a hot dog, but soon after eating it, became sick and left.
But Wallace is determined this will ultimately work. “Oh this will work,” said Wallace confidently. “If the programmers don’t want their jobs to go to India next year, they’ll produce and I’ll be named Executive of the Year by TechNews.” He then laughed maniacally and rubbed his hands together.
