Special RNC Edition

Here at the BilgeBucket Gazette, our motto is 'Shoveling it to the public'. But when it comes to slopping manure on your plate and calling it applesauce, no one can hold a candle to the GOP. Sorry Democrats! You're no match for the Republicans when it comes to tossing the caca. Because they are such expert BS slingers we've decided to devote a full edition to the Republicans and their crap fest...er... convention in New York City last week. Put on your hip waders folks. It's gonna get deep and smelly!

Arnold Thrills Crowd With Made Up Stories; Lame-Ass Catchphrases

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave one of the most inspiring speeches of the Convention Tuesday night when he told tales of growing up in a socialist regime and then bombarded the starstruck audience with catchphrases from his Hollywood movies and wordplay on his movie titles.

"Ya, I have Total Recall as boy growing up in Austria," said Schwarzenegger in his trademark accent. "I remember Soviet tanks crushing our house and our dreams. I remember Josef Stalin personally climbing off the tank, kicking me in the teeth with his iron boot of oppression, and calling me a girlie man. I never forgot those taunts. They drove me to pump up my body. Now, I am the Governator of Collyfonia!" The crowd erupted with cheers.

Schwarzenegger continued, "Ya, I remember when I first came to dis country, seeing President Nixon, and admiring him for his secretive way of governing. He answered to nobody. I really like that. I asked a friend, 'What party is he from?' and my friend said 'Republican'. I have been a Republican ever since. It doesn't matter that I'm closer politically to John Kerry and if I were a Democrat you all would be trying to deport me. Tonight I am a massive Republican stooge!" The crowd applauded loudly.

Schwarzenegger then stated what the Republicans must do to win the Presidency. "Ya, we must expose John Kerry for the girlie man he really is. All you unemployed people and people not helped by President Bush's tax breaks are just girlie men. And all you military men who are complaining because your benefits have been cut are just girlie men. Ya, make no mistake. John Kerry is The Villain. He will give you a Raw Deal. You will end up as Collateral Damage because of his True Lies." The crowd cheered wildly.

"In closing I would like to say to John Kerry. Hasta la vista, Kerry. You've been terminated. Consider this a divorce because you are a tumor. Now lets Jingle All The Way to the bank and cash our tax rebate checks and vote for the real Last Action Hero, George W. Bush!" The crowd convulsed with orgasmic delight chanting, "Ahnuld! Ahnuld!"

Bush Twins Mystify All

President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, delighted and puzzled the partisan crowd with a brief speech talking about their vision for the future, their wonderful parents and their bitchin' social life.

"We're like so stoked to like be here," said Jenna. "This is like totally the highlight of our life. Well except for that killer party with Ashton Kutcher. Oh my God, was that a blast or what!"

"I know! I know!" chimed Barbara. "I got like so shitfaced!" She and Jenna then giggled and play slapped each other. Barbara took a deep breath and continued. "We'd just like to say that our Mom and Dad like did an awesome job raising us. Like everything I've learned in life, I've like learned from my dad. Like who you call if you need to get into good schools; how to manipulate money out of Grandma and Grandpa; who to call when you like get hauled to jail after drinking too much. These are like valuable life lessons."

"Since we've been like perfect little angels for the last couple of years and like our parents are constantly embarrassing us," said Jenna. "We'd like to like embarrass our folks for a change. Like did you know my dad likes to call my mom, Mistress Bushy. And like my mom likes to call my dad, Private Noodle. Like, what's up with that?" She then looked at Barbara and they simultaneously doubled over in laughter, accidentally cracking their heads. They both exclaimed "Owwwieeee!" They rubbed their heads, glanced at each other and burst into an uncontrollable giggle fit.

After a few more minutes of giddy Beavis and Butthead like tittering, they gathered their composure and introduced their father. "And now the President of the United States, our father, Private Noodle!" They then gleefully burst into laughter again as they skipped over to meet a red-faced President Bush as he walked toward the podium.

Many people didn't know what to make of the twins speech. Octogenarian Henry Kincaid, of Snowy Butte, Idaho, said, "I don't know who they were but I couldn't understand what the hell those girls were talking about. They looked like they were hepped on goofballs. Those young whippersnappers need a good spanking. What? They're President Bush's daughters?! What delightful young ladies. They sure are a wonderful reflection of their parents."

Todd Wilkes, of Sinkhole, Texas, said, "As a young, moral, compassionate, Christian, conservative, all I have to say is I'd like to do a three way with them if you know what I mean!"

Giuliani Gushes Over Bush

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani riveted Republican conventioneers with his recollections of the 9/11 disaster and his praise for the current Commander-in-Chief.

"I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember when I saw the towers fall, the very first thought that ran through my head wasn't, 'No! Not the towers!' or 'I wonder what monster could have done this!' or 'Oh my God! What about all the poor people inside?' No, my first thought was 'Thank God, George Bush is President!'" The crowd erupted with cheers.

"As a matter of fact, I seems that's all I say anymore. No matter what I do, where I am, I always say 'Thank God, George Bush is President!' Like yesterday, when I was cleaning out the lint from our dryer, I said 'Thank God, George Bush is President!' Or last month, when I was sitting on the toilet with diarrhea after eating some bad sushi, I said, 'Thank God, George Bush is President!' Even last week, when I was making sweet love to my wife, I said to her after an intense orgasm, 'Thank God, George Bush is President!'" The crowd applauded loudly.

Giuliani concluded his speech. "As we move on in America, we must remember. That even though our economy may continue to sputter, jobs continue to go overseas, the Iraq war goes on and on and on, and our deficit continues to grow monstrously, we should all take time out of our busy days and say, 'Thank God, George Bush is President!'" The crowd cheered wildly.

When asked what she thought of Giuliani's speech, Agnes Dietz of South Myrtleville, Louisiana, said, "Thank God, George Bush is President!"

Bill Kominski of Blatherton, Indiana, said, "Thank God, George Bush is President!"

Bessy May, a sheep from Texas, said, "Bah-Bah, Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah" (translation: Thank God, George Bush is President!)

Cheney Warns Of A Kerry America

Dick Cheney, fresh from his heartwarming appearance at the Republican National Convention warned Americans of what would happen if John Kerry is elected President.

"Make no mistake about it," warned Cheney. "A vote for John Kerry is a vote for Osama Bin Laden. The second he is elected, terrorists will strike the United States. As we have learned these last three years since 9/11, only Republicans are qualified to protect America. John Kerry hates America so much, he'll open up the borders and not only let members of Al Qaeda into America, he'll let terrorists in from countries like Iceland, Sweden and Canada." The crowd booed loudly.

Cheney continued. "Yes John 'Osama' Kerry hates America so much that he will cut back on military weaponry and like Zell Miller mentioned so elegantly, he'll arm our soldiers with only spitwads and straws. He'll dismantle our Department of Homeland Security. He'll push through gun control measures so you can't buy guns and then leave it to you to defend yourselves from the marauding hordes of terrorists with just a kitchen fork!" The crowd hissed noisily.

"Yes, John 'Horse Face' Kerry hates Americans so much that he'll raise your taxes 50 to 100 percent. Then he'll use the money to fly off on vacation in France with his loud mouth wife, Mrs. Ketchup. Then he'll give favors to wealthy special interest groups like the Sierra Club and the World Wildlife Fund. Then they'll force feed conservation down our throats and make us drive pussy hybrid cars and take away all our fun. Then he'll start alternative energy programs, which will take away jobs... from the OIL industry. This catastrophe cannot be allowed to happen!" The crowd cheered wildly.

Cheney took out a handkerchief and wiped sweat from his brow. "It's time for me to retire back to my underground lair. Too much sunlight and fresh air is bad for old Dick. Just remember when you go to the polls on November 2nd, a vote for John Kerry is a vote for Osama Bin Laden. John Ashcroft will be watching your every move. God Bless America!" The crowd convulsed with orgasmic delight.

Bush Announces Four More Years Of Misery...er...Success

Before an adoring and supporting crowd last week, George W. Bush outlined his plan for his next term as he accepted the Republican nomination for President.

"My fellow Americans," said Bush. "We're turning the corner and I've got big plans for America. As I think back over the last four years, I've finally come up with a mistake I made. It's embarrassing. I'm not proud of it. But I should have used a pitching wedge instead of a nine iron back on my month long vacation in '02. I made a bad choice and it won't happen again. But other than that, the last four years have been a smashing success reminiscent of St. Ronald Reagan's years in the White House." The crowd erupted with cheers.

"We're turning the corner on the economy my friends. We will continue implementing tax cuts to the wealthy and sending unimportant technical jobs overseas. The economy is robust my friends. Why Dick Cheney just mentioned to me if we counted all the money people are making off of E-bay, garage sales and the Antique Road Show, the economic stats would be staggering. Trickle down does work, just like St. Ronald said it would." The crowd applauded loudly.

"We're turning the corner on education my friends. We've changed our education system so that all students have to learn is how to pass the next standardized test; none of that costly liberal learning by instruction, example and involvement. I hated that when I was in school. Yes, soon all schooling will be privatized and we won't have to worry about giving money for education anymore in our budget." The crowd cheered wildly.

"We're turning the corner on finally having an constitutional amendment guaranteeing the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. Make no mistake about it, if we allow gay marriage, the next thing those evil liberals do will be to allow unions with barn animals. Then those green, green lima bean tree huggers will probably want to marry lions and tigers and bears. Oh my! We can't rely on queer friendly states, like Massachusetts or California to enforce this on a state level, so we must enforce it on a national level." The crowd roared rowdily.

"We're turning the corner on deregulating everything so my buddies in the coal, oil, mining and timber industries don't have to spend a penny on costly, unnecessary pollution controls. Global warming is just a myth created by liberal, smartsy-fartsy, environmental, junk scientists who wanted to make a name for themselves. We're slowly but surely replacing these crackpots with legitimate scientists who know the importance of industry in this world. Yes, American rivers and streams exist for American corporations and businesses, not for little fishes like the snail farter." The crowd applauded vigorously.

"We're turning the corner in the War on Terror. We've spent millions of dollars developing our color-coded warning chart so America feels more secure. We're building strong alliances with our mighty Coalition of the Coerced...er...Willing, like Bulgaria, El Salvador, Upper Slobovia and our faithful lapdog Great Britain. It doesn't matter that most of the world thinks I'm a cowboy diplomat and would like to see me dipped in a vat of cow manure. Like Dick Cheney says, 'Go f*** yourself!" The crowd shouted enthusiastically "F*** you! F*** you!".

"In the interest of time, I won't even mention the gargantuan budget deficit, the Iraq Occupation...er...Liberation, the resurgence of the Taliban in Afghanistan, the fact we still can't find Osama Bin Laden, cutting veterans benefits, the Medicare crisis, the healthcare crisis, the rise in Americans without health insurance, the widening of the gap between rich and poor, the rise in the number of people living in poverty, cutting of funds for Homeland security, the exorbitant gas prices, our increasing dependence on foreign oil, or social security insolvency because frankly, these aren't important right now. But I will invoke the imagery of 9/11 once again for political gain." A picture of Bush greeting firefighters and rescue workers at Ground Zero flashed on the giant screen behind him. The crowd convulsed with orgasmic delight.

Bush concluded his speech. "We've got lots of corners to turn my fellow Americans. May God bless America and only America!" The crowd erupted with chants of "Four more wars! Four more wars!"

Crowd response was not surprisingly, positive to the President's speech. Gladys Oakdale of Fidgetton, Ohio, said, "Sure he made a mistake with that golf club thingee. But Dubya talks with God and that's all that matters to me."

J. Waxworth Kearns IV, chairman of Bilkington Energy Systems, said, "I don't know why middle class and lower class scum...um, people are complaining about the economy. Maybe they just haven't checked their off-shore tax havens in the Cayman Islands lately."

Christian High School student, Billy Tuggle of Burnt Cesspool, Texas, said, "I sure hope we don't have peace too soon. I want to get a chance to go over to Iraq and kill me some Muslims."