Bush Asks America To Bend Over

In a speech to Americans Sunday night, President Bush asked Congress and Americans to bend over and cough up $300 gazillion more dollars for funding the rebuilding of Iraq and Afghanistan.

"I said it before and I'll say it again," said Bush. "We're going to be over there for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. Since we're staying, we're going to need to more money. I think $300 gazillion ought to do it."

Many voiced concerns over the dollar amounts and the rising deficit. They asked what the President planned to do about America's own crumbling infrastructure, citing that many of the nations electrical grids, water pipelines, bridges, damns and roadways are fast decaying.

"People, I'm creating jobs here," scolded Bush. "We're going to need plenty of oil workers, policeman, and soldiers over in Iraq. Did I mention we're going to be over there for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time? Let our children worry about all that infers...infarstuct... other stuff. That'll give 'em something to do."

"Besides if we get into a pinch, we can use all that Social Security money," said Bush. "Or we can have a big ol' Patriotic bake sale. My mom and Laura are real good cooks. That'll bring in a few bucks."

EPA Report States Smog Is Good For You

Today the EPA released a new report that states that contrary to evidence presented during the last three decades, smog has health benefits and is actually good for humans.

"Smog is our friend," said acting EPA administrator, Marianne Horinko. "Over the last thirty years, smog has gotten a bad rap. But a new study by the Ronald Reagan Institute For Real Science, says that smog can benefit our lives much more than air that is not treated by carbon monoxide, hydrocarbons, nitrogen oxides and other byproducts from auto exhaust and factory pollution. Like Ronald Reagan said many years ago, trees are the real polluters."

Detroit and oil industry executives applauded the findings. "It's about time that somebody did some accurate science out there," said GM spokesperson, T. Criswell Wainwright IV. "Now we can build even bigger vehicles for Americans, like the Guzzlenaut 2004 Super SUV."

Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, "America needs smog, which means America needs more oil. And I can't think of a better place to start drilling for oil than the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. Or Exxon-Mobil Yellowstone National Park which will be completely staffed by Exxon-Mobil employees."

Eighteen-year-old Spencer Tisdale of Los Angeles was very excited to hear the news. "For years, I had asthma and I couldn't catch my breath when I ran. I'd hack and wheeze and got sick real easy. I'm glad to know that it's not the smog that's doing it to me. It's just those two stupid half dead trees in that park a mile away from my house." He then started coughing uncontrollably.

Jamieson also announced that GM will plan on bottling the smog so people can enjoy the health benefits in their own home. "This is a win-win for all Americans," said Wainwright. "This is the kind of stimulation that will get our economy rolling again in no time."

NASA Says Space Shuttle Is "Kinda Safe"

Top NASA officials maintained today that the Space Shuttle is "kinda safe" after government investigations of the Columbia accident earlier this year.

"Well, I mean sure there are some problems," said NASA spokesman Herbert Rizzo. "So I guess it's kinda unsafe. But then again it is kinda safe. I mean it's a complicated piece of machinery. It ain't no razor scooter for Christ's sake!"

Critics contend that NASA should overhaul the shuttle with a more efficient, modern design and upgrade the computer control systems, some which are over 25 years old. They point to the two fatal crashes and the dozens of near catastrophes, which have occurred in the last twenty-two years.

"Yeah, I admit we've cut corners here and there," said Rizzo. "Like that time, we used the janitors gum as an O-Ring. Or the time we used duct tape to secure the robot arm to the cargo bay. But overall, I'd say we only half ass things about 50-60% of the time."

Congress will determine this week the future of the space shuttle and the space program in general. "We're not worried," said Rizzo. "If they cut our funding, we'll just sell everything on eBay. I'm sure Michael Jackson would probably want a space shuttle."

Reasons Why Americans Love Football

Football season is here and American men are frothing at the mouth for gridiron action. We at the BilgeBucket Gazette have compiled a list of reasons why Americans love the game of football so much. Down. Set. Hut. Here they are!

	Football is guy code for drinking beer and snarfing munchies.
	We love to see millionaires bash each other upside the head.
	Watching Fox and fantasizing about taking the snap from Jillian Barberie.
	Secret desire to see guys in tight pants.
	Watching bone crushing hits squelches our primal urge to beat the living shit out of everything.
	Nothing's funnier than watching the Cardinals get humiliated week after week after week...
	John Madden's dulcet tones transport us to a magical land of fairies.
	Three Words: Blood! Blood! Blood!
	Football? It's the cheerleaders stupid!