Gonzales Resigns; Holds Pity Party For Self

Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales recently resigned his post as Attorney General after month of calls for him to do so by not only Democrats but Republicans as well. Gonzales’ resignation stems from many controversial actions during his tenure such as his support of warrantless wiretapping, his support of torturing prisoners, his knowledge of the dismissal of federal judges for political purposes and his repeated obfuscation of the truth during Congressional inquiries. Now, Gonzales plans to hold a pity party for himself and other Republicans who have been ‘persecuted’ by bloodthirsty Democrats.

“Sadly I must now leave the White House and my sacred duty as Attorney General,” said Gonzales. “I loved this job, but thanks to a political witch hunt by terrorist loving Democrats, I must leave my post. But cry not for me, America. I, Alberto Gonzales, your faithful and loyal servant, will be alright. You bet I will. I’ll just go back home to Humble, Texas where I’ll hone my torture skills and hopefully make my living doing the bidding for some rich, multinational corporations like Halliburton. In closing, just as the noble and wise Richard Nixon said in those lost days of yore, ‘You won’t have Alberto Gonzales to kick around anymore.’”

President Bush tearfully said farewell to his loyal Attorney General. “Fredo, you did a heckuva job. You’ve defended my honor honorably. Me, Turd Blossom and Uncle Dick couldn’t be more happy with your toadying and asskissing. The way you lied before Congress reminded me so much of St. Ronald Reagan. ‘I don’t recall’. What a classic line! I plan on using that line a lot in the future. Heh-heh! Well that just leaves me, Uncle Dick and Condi to hold down the fort against the Democratic hordes. We’ll just circle the wagons and hold out until General Petraeus announces that the surge is working which will completely vindicate my invasion of Iraq. What? He did? What a surprise! So I guess that makes me the bestest President ever. Take that Billary!”

Pity party hostess, Harriet Miers, said, “I, too, have been a victim of the Nazi-esque tactics of those evil liberals. But somehow I’ll muddle through and organize the party. We’re inviting all kinds of people to the party, not just persecuted Republicans. We’re also inviting other horribly wronged individuals like Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Barry Bonds, and Owen Wilson. Poor Owen. Rich. Handsome. All those beautiful young ladies throwing themselves at him. Honestly, I don’t what kept him going.”

Karl Rove, who recently resigned from the White House, said from a cardboard box in a downtown Houston alley, “Look what the Democrats have reduced me, too. But don’t be too hard on them. It’s just their nature to lash out at good people who champion truth, justice and the American way. I wish I could attend that pity party for my dear friend Alberto but I’m so poor and destitute and I can’t afford the bus fare to D.C.” Rove’s attention was then diverted to a man emptying a can from a nearby restaurant. “Oh, look. Dinner. Hopefully they’ll have enough for me and my friend Tom Delay. He’s got a cardboard box in the next alley.”

Man Forgets To Pray; Causes Hurricane Felix

Members of the Fourth Evangelical Church have announced that they have found a suspect they believed caused Hurricane Felix. The church says that Gainesville, Florida resident, Dave Nielsen, caused the storm by neglecting to attend church and praying the Sunday before the hurricane hit Nicaragua and Honduras.

“We think that this man is responsible for that devastating hurricane that hit Central America because he didn’t come to church and pray this past Sunday,” said Pastor Jonathon Scheister. “Rumor has it that he was out drinking and womanizing Saturday night over at that den of sin, Gator Gulch, and was so tired he couldn’t drag his sorry behind out of bed to go and worship the Lord. There is no doubt in my mind that he caused this event, just as I’m sure all the gays and lesbians caused 9/11.”

Televangelist Maureen Kay said “Let this be a lesson to all of you, praise the Lord. Our Lord is a loving God, praise the Lord, but also a vengeful God, praise the Lord. You must put God first in your life, praise the Lord, and pray constantly or God will cause much pain and destruction, praise the Lord. Only by constantly acknowledging how great God is, praise the Lord, will the people of Earth be saved. Oh God, I hope I said enough praise the Lords. I better just repeat the phrase for another hour or so just to be safe. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord…”

Thirty year old Nielsen said, “You gotta be kidding me! Hey, I worked a twelve hour shift Saturday over at the University laying concrete. I went out afterward with a few friends, shot some pool and had a few beers. I was zonked. I mean I worked 55 hours that week. I’ve got child support payments to make. I've got alimony to pay. I’ve got rent to pay. I’ve got insurance to pay. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just can’t make it to church. I’m sure Jesus would understand.”

Scheister took offense to Nielsen’s explanation. “How dare he say that Jesus would understand! He doesn’t know what Jesus thinks! I’m the pastor. I’m the only one in our church who truly understands what Jesus would do. I talk to Jesus all the time, just like our beloved President and he tells me what is right and wrong. Like last night, Jesus said it was perfectly okay to use church funds to buy that new Armani suit for myself because if I’m going to sell the Lord’s word, I’ve got to look good, right? Hallelujah!”

When asked if Nielsen had indeed caused the Hurricane, heaven spokesperson St. Sixtus said, “Well we’ve traced our prayers in our prayer center and we’ve found that if we would’ve gotten one more prayer, say from one David J. Nielsen, God would’ve evaporated Hurricane Felix right there in the Caribbean-o. But noooooooooo. Mr. Beer Drinker, get a divorce rather than stay together in a loveless marriage, David J. Nielsen, had to skip church. So God done brung it. So don’t blame God, people of Central America; blame David J. Nielsen. And Bill Clinton, of course.”

San Jose Stewardess Tires Of ‘Do You Know The Way’ Quips

AmWestern Airlines stewardess, Amy Baker, who is based in San Jose, said recently that she is putting in for a transfer to a different hub because she is tiring of all the ‘Do you know the way to San Jose’ quip variations passengers lay on her when flying to the California city.

“I’m just fed up with it,” said Baker. “I’ve been a stewardess now for almost ten years. I admit; it was funny when I first started, but it got old really quickly. It never fails. On every flight, some loser who thinks he’s the first person who ever thought of it, says ‘Excuse me, miss. Do you know the way to San Jose?’ And they laugh like they think they’re Jerry Seinfeld. Then they sidle up to me and ask me out on a date. Sorry, you’ve got to do a little better than that to get into these pants; at least some cocktails and a shrimp dinner.”

Fellow stewardess, Lisa Cowher agreed with Baker. “Oh please! I get it all the time. Even that jerk pilot, Clive McMahon, says it all the time when he boards the plane. ‘Hello girls! Do you know the way to San Jose? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.’ He even starts singing it to me after we have sex. I swear if I ever meet Dionne Warwick, I’m gonna wring her neck.”

Frequent flyer Lou Renner said, “I love taking that flight to San Jose. I use that line on all the stewardesses I meet and they just love it. I can tell by the way they roll their eyes and rush off to serve other passengers. Gosh, I can’t see that phrase ever getting old.”

Baker added, “This job is really beginning to take its toll on me. There’s these tired old pick up lines, the extra security we have to deal with and…get this… women wearing mini-skirts on planes. That’s really the last straw in my opinion.”

Local Comedian: Funny Strange, Not Funny Ha-Ha

Cactus Corners stand-up comedian ‘Wacksaw’ Reynolds is making quite a name for himself lately in the comedy club circles, not only in Cactus Corners, but also nationally. He’s appeared on late night talk shows like Carson Daly and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Many describe his brand of humor as screwball or offbeat, but his detractors describe him as more funny strange than funny ha-ha.

“I’m kind of an eclectic mix of Robin Williams meets Harland Williams meets Barry Williams,” said Reynolds as he chuckled smugly and blew smoke from his cigarette. “Did you get my reference to Barry Williams…you know…Greg Brady. See, that’s a ‘70s reference; that’s funny stuff. I also do a killer cursing robot. It’s funny ‘cause you know robots generally don’t curse but this one says ‘Fuck’ and ‘Shit’ over and over and over again. Just saying those words alone are a goldmine. But you make a robot say it over and over and over again, it’s just wacky shit. That’s why they call me ‘Wacksaw’. Do you see; how it all came full circle. I’m a fucking genius.”

Craig Ferguson, host of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, praised Reynolds in his Scottish brogue, “He’s a loaded pistol he is. He comes on stage and you never know what he’s going to say; kind of like my wacky brand of humor. You know that part in the show after I come back from commercial and I say ‘Welcome back my frisky little donkeys.’ Well, some nights I say ‘frisky little hamsters’. Some nights I say ‘frisky little monkeys’. It’s a complete crap shoot. Wacksaw has that same kind of zaniness. I guess that’s why I like having him on the show. He’s like a young me; only he’s a redneck American.”

Reynolds fan, Melissa Graves, said, “Oh my God! I don’t know how he comes up with that stuff. Like one time, I saw him on Carson Daly and Carson Daly was talking about Paris Hilton and Wacksaw said she’s more like Bangkok Hilton. Zing! I mean, who would’ve thought of that. That’s so wacky!”

Another fan, Cal Jennings, said, “That guy is wack, man! One time, down at the Phunny Bone, he did his cursing robot bit. That was so funny! Maybe it was the ten beers I had but he did like this Lost in Space robot who kept waving his arms and said ‘Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit!’ over and over and over again. I laughed my ass off.”

Steve Tanner, who recently saw his show at the Phunny Bone is definitely not a fan. “I thought he was more funny strange than funny ha-ha. I mean that cursing robot was just stupid. Then he did a segment where he acted out what different animals in the wild might look like if they were constipated. Then for some reason he segues into doing ‘70s sitcom stars who are constipated. It wasn’t funny. I was just odd.”

Fellow stand-up comic, Ned Locker, is a vocal critic of Reynolds. “Come on! All he does is curse and do stream-of-consciousness scatological crap and he doesn’t even do that well. He says the first thing that comes to mind and that passes for genius. Like sometimes he likes to show off his improvisational skills, which suck by the way, and asks for audience suggestions. So this one time, he asked for a famous person, a location and an attitude. One time somebody yelled Lindsay Lohan, the Grand Canyon and horny. I’m thinking this is a slam dunk. Lindsay Lohan, the biggest slut in America, seeing the biggest hole in America. This is a gimmee. But ol’ Wacksaw starts struttin’ around like a chicken cacklin’ in a high Monty Python pepperpot voice ‘Look at me. I’m Lindsay Lohan. I’m a fucking slut. I’m so horny I could fuck a squirrel.’ Then he starts hopping around like a squirrel saying ‘Oh I’m a squirrel. I was going to take a shit but now that Lindsay Lohan is here I want to fuck.’ God it was soooooooooo lame! But people were laughing their asses off. But then again it was ’50 cent Tequila shot’ night. I guess you’ve got to be pretty loaded to laugh at his crap.”

Reynolds dismissed any criticism. “Hey man, they’re just jealous of ol’ Wacksaw. I’ve got my finger on the pulse of America and they want to see a constipated penguin.” Reynolds then gets up and starts walking around stiffly with his legs crossed squawking “Shit! Where’s a toilet!” Reynolds then stopped and laughed heartily at his own joke. “I could so win Last Comic Standing!”

Top Rejected Titles For The Fourth Indiana Jones Movie

Hollywood recently revealed the title of the much anticipated fourth movie of the Indiana Jones series starring Harrison Ford, who just turned 65. The sure bet blockbluster, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, will be in theaters in May 2008 and will be directed by Steven Spielberg. But many inquiring minds are wondering what other titles were being considered for the film. Well, our intrepid staff did some sleuthing around the dumpsters outside Paramount studios and found some very interesting alternate titles for the film.

	Indiana Jones and the Raiders of Social Security
	Indiana Jones Has Fallen and He Can’t Get Up
	Indiana Jones and the Jewels of the Senile
	Indiana Jones Adventure at Luby’s Buffet
	Indiana Jones: Prostate of Fury
	Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Medicare Form
	Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Car Keys
	Indiana Jones and the Dentures from Hell
	Indiana Jones and the Diaper of Doom
	Indiana Jones: Dude, Where's My Preparation-H?
	Indiana Jones and the Quest for Low Cost Health Insurance
	Indiana Jones and the Treasure of Viagra Madre