White House Based Middle East Strategy On Elvis Flick

In a stunning development, it was revealed last week that the Bush White House has based its entire Middle East foreign policy and its Iraq occupation strategy on the 1965 Elvis Presley film Harum Scarum.

President Bush said at a news conference, “Well, Uncle Dick and Rummy really liked that movie and seeing that Elvis was a friend of my idol Richard Nixon, we naturally thought it was a good idea. I mean what’s not to like; Elvis…that’s me folks... saves the princess... that’s Laura or Condi...and the kingdom...that's Iraq... from the evil assassins... that’s Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda. I know, I know, there’s no official relation between the two... but there is. You didn’t hear it from me.” Bush then chuckled nervously for a few minutes.

Bush then continued. “Well according to the movie, when we invaded Iraq, those Iraqis were supposed to be so mesmerized by me, Rummy and Dick that they just pull up a fluffy pillow, smoke a hookah, listen to us sing and watch us woo their harems. That’s what happened in the movie and I do a pretty good Elvis impression if you remember my old friend Koizumi’s visit last month. I mean if Elvis could take on three assassins with one punch, those Iraqis must be pretty easy to conquer right. And we figured Condi could take on any of the women folk just like that Mary Ann Mobley did in the movie. I’m just really disappointed with the Iraqi people for not showing us more gratitude in occupying their country. For Pete’s sake, they’ve got Pizza Hut and KFC kiosks over there now and electricity for almost half the day. Who wouldn’t be happy with that? That’s freedom folks.”

Donald Rumsfeld defended his post-invasion strategy for Iraq. “Did we think that the Iraqis would be smitten by our devastating charm and just lay down their weapons? Maybe we did, maybe we didn’t. People all we had to go on was that swell, wholesome Elvis movie. In all the history of the world, that movie, Harum Scarum, stands as the only document to us Westerners as to what life is like in the strange and mystical lands of the Middle East. It’s not our fault that the Iraqis didn’t start dancing and singing when they saw our tanks and assault vehicles enter their villages. Apparently a lot has changed since Elvis made that movie.”

Rumsfeld also dismissed that Iraq has disintegrated into civil war. "If you think of our Civil War, this is really very different," he said. “For one thing, there is no General Lee or General Grant in Iraq. And what about Stonewall Jackson. You can’t have a Civil War without Stonewall Jackson. Why the very idea that Iraq is having a Civil War is absurd. Absurd! Absurd! Absurd!”

People had mixed reactions to Bush’s revelations. Kurt Jefferson, of Dalberg, Wisconsin said, “The President made an error in judgement? What a shocker! I’m counting down until January 2009, believe you me. And I’m voting all those weasely, enabling Republicans out of office this November, too. Oh and I’ve also saved a ton of money on my auto insurance by switching to Geico.”

Beatrice Tetley, of Longsborough, South Carolina said, “I just loved Elvis in Harum Scarum. He was so dreamy! He could’ve invaded my country anytime. I agree with the President. I’m just shocked those Arabs didn’t just fall in love with Dubya just like they did with Elvis in that movie.”

Tanner Stovall of New Orleans, Louisiana said, “Gee. Maybe we should become terrorists. Then maybe Dubya will invade New Orleans and finally rebuild our city.”

Republicans Push New Prayer Health Plan

Responding to the fact that almost 46 million Americans are without health insurance, conservative congressional Republicans are pushing for a new faith based health plan administered by churches instead of insurance companies. Proponents estimate that this new prayer health plan could save people millions of dollars.

Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe described the new plan. “This affordable plan works in the following way. The participant phones in a prayer to the health insurance prayer network and our authorized prayer speakers, who are much holier than you, say a prayer for your health and well being. All this for only $50 a month for a family of four. Of course, if you want holier people, like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell to pray for you, you can opt for the $75 a month plan; for a family of four. What a bargain! Then there is the elite plan where President Bush will pray for you for $100 a month. Just think; God’s chosen one praying for you and your family! You’re sure to stay healthy! These plans don’t cover single people over 18, because in the Lord’s eyes, you must be married to a member of the opposite sex, before your life is worth anything. And no atheists, non-Christians, tree-huggers, free-thinkers, anti-War protesters, abortionists, gun control freaks, gays, lesbians, Democraps or other liberal wackos. To be covered you must convert to Christianity and Republicanism. And what’s more, you don’t need to see a doctor since you’re connected straight to the Lord. Sorry Bill Frist, you’re my friend but you’re out of business, heh-heh!”

Many in the religious community hailed the plan as revolutionary. “This new health care plan is exactly what America needs,” said televangelist Jerry Falwell. “Every thinking man knows that germs, bacteria and viruses are just the creation of the liberal elite and smartsy fartsy scientists. The only way to truly protect you and your family against illness is to pray, pray, pray.”

Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, said “This is truly a great day for God-fearing Americans everywhere. Soon the evil, godless liberals will die off because they can’t participate in this plan and won’t want to convert. Then America will be cleansed and ready for the Rapture, which will be coming any day now, according to my communications with the Almighty.”

The Union for Advancement of Science spokesman Dr. Alfred Maxwell shook his head and said, “This is absolutely unbelievable. What is going on here? Have we taken a step back into the Middle Ages? What’s next? Witch burnings and inquistitions? I...I...I’m utterly speechless. This does it. I can’t stands it no more. I’m moving to Canada. Sure they’re idea of fun is curling, but at least if I get sick up there, it won’t put me and my family into debilitating debt for all eternity.”

People seemed relieved about the new health plan. Janice Wilcox of Shannon, West Virginia said, “Hallelujah! I never did trust those scientists and doctors. They said my lousy diet and no exercise was causing my obesity and bad health. Well nuts to them. All I need is prayer! I’m going for the President Bush plan. He talks to God, you know.”

Karl Billings of Tarrington, Georgia said, “At last; an end to all that evil scientific research and knowledge gaining. That stem cell research was just a liberal coverup for murdering innocent embryos. Maybe now people will do the Lord’s work and start killing some Muslims!”

Joe Jones of Lake Runamucka, Tennessee said, “Finally! An affordable risk-free health plan that’s sure to work.”

George W. Bush’s Real Summer Reading List

According to the CSPAN website, President Bush’s reading list this summer includes such books as Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer, American Prometheus: The Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer and Mayflower : A Story of Courage, Community, and War. We here at the BilgeBucket find that hard to believe and so we’ve done some sleuthing of our own and discovered ol’ Dubya’s real reading list. So while he may have the book Revolutionary Characters: What Made the Founders Different propped open, he probably has one of these books open inside.

	Too Big For Diapers
	My Pet Goat II
	The Emperor’s New Clothes (Revised Edition where the child who notes the Emperor’s nudity is jailed and tortured in an undisclosed location)
	Archie Comics: Betty and Veronica’s Catfight
	Sesame Street: Count Along with the Count
	The 2006 FAO Schwartz Toy Catalog
	Richie Rich: Rodeo At Rustler’s Gulch
	Where’s Osama? (includes free Magnifying Glass)
	Dr. Seuss’ There’s A Nucular Wocket In My Pocket
	Left Behind: Apocalyptic Wet Dream
	Read with Dick and Jane: Go Away Hillary!
	Highlights Magazine: Goofus Goes To Jail for Dissenting
	The Book of Farts
	Moses Conquers The Dinosaurs: An Intelligent Design Adventure
	Curious George Becomes President