Swift Boat Vets Claim Kerry Is Actually Osama Bin Laden

The Swift Boat Veterans who recently accused Democratic candidate John Kerry of exaggerating his Vietnam War record have come out with a new claim. Spokesman John O'Neill now says that John Kerry isn't really John Kerry at all: he's Osama Bin Laden.

"Research performed by our top notch Republi...er Independent staff indicates that somewhere after the terrorists attacks, Osama Bin Laden had plastic surgery and traded places with John Kerry, who is back in Vietnam, living with the pinko communist buddies he made during the war. Hero my ass! Anyway, Osama has been living as John Kerry and no one is the wiser, not even that uppity, bitchy wife of his. As a matter of fact, we believe she and all the Dumocraps are in on this blatant attempt to deceive the American public. They do this because they hate America."

Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh backed these claims. "This is obviously the truth my fellow Americans. How is it that we never see live pictures of Osama Bin Laden anymore? That's because he's now John Kerry. That is also why we never see John Kerry or Osama Bin Laden together at the same time. Because they are one in the same!! Those sneaky liberal America haters! Is there nothing they won't do to destroy this country?"

Compassionate conservative columnist, Ann Coulter said, "John Kerry, a.k.a Osama Bin Laden, a.k.a Mr. Hate, needs to be drawn and quartered and hacked into millions of tiny bits. He's such a hateful communist bastard! But then again, that's all liberals ever do, is hate, hate, hate. They should all be riddled with bullets with an AK-47 until there is no flesh left on their putrid hateful bones. Their unbridled hatred is what's wrong with America today. All you hateful Dumocraps can just go to hell."

After hearing of the new accusations, John Kerry responded by shaking his head and disbelief saying, "You gotta be kidding me! With all this outrageous, unsubstantiated crap they're pulling; with all the lies Bush has told the American public about Iraq; with millions of Americans without health care; with the American middle and lower classes in shambles economically; with the deficit at an all time high; with all the underhanded handouts to corporate polluters; I should be ahead in a landslide. Instead I'm still in a dead heat with this turkey." Kerry then turned and banged his head repeatedly into a nearby brick wall.

Bush Dismisses 'Evil' Scientists

The Bush Administration deflected recent criticism from numerous preeminent scientists that the White House is distorting and manipulating scientific findings and giving handouts to industries, which have given massive monetary support to the President, like oil, mining, timber and energy companies.

Dr. Jared Reed, environmental biologist and member of the non-profit group, Union Of Concerned Scientists, said, "This administration is far worse than even the Reagan administration. They have rolled back over 300 regulations since Bush has taken over the Presidency. He has loaded the EPA with lobbyists from the mining, logging, and energy industries as payback for their support during the election. He is systematically blacklisting legitimate scientists in favor of consultants who manipulate and massage data to fit his radical ideological agenda. This blatant disregard for the environment and for the health of the general public needs to be stopped before it is too late."

Bush defended his environmental policies. "People, I mean we all know that this so called 'global warming' is caused by cows farting and volcanoes. And this mumbo jumbo that our rivers and streams are polluted; didn't you see John Stossel jump in the Hudson River. If it's so polluted, how come he's still alive? Stem cell research is evil, too. Scientists want to grow babies and then kill 'em folks. That's just plain evil. Besides, I think I know a little bit more about the world than these smartsy fartsy liberal 'scientists'. I mean I am the president and I talk to God on a daily basis. We don't need any more 'scientific' studies. If I were doing something wrong here, don't you think God would say something."

Vice President Dick Cheney backed Bush's views. "Our public land is vast and it's there for Americans to use and exploit. Those damn animals aren't using it. Why should they have it? Like the great James Watt said, God want us to subdue nature. I'll be damned if some fish or butterfly is going to prevent me from making my millions."

Many citizens have expressed support for Bush's environmental policies. Lionel Starker of Pusbucket, Arkansas, said, "Me more smart than animal. Me more smart than plant. Me think Bush smart. Me vote Bush."

Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, "Thanks to President Bush, the Apocalypse is now closer then ever. We need to hurry up and use all of God's resources before the end of the world. Can I get an amen?"

Floozie Walks Hiking Trail In Bikini And Heels

Local hussy Amber Fox is causing quite a stir in the Cactus Goldmine subdivision. Residents report that the thirty-something walks the Cactus Goldmine hiking trail, which traverses Prospector Hill, wearing nothing but a string bikini and high heel shoes. This has prompted claims of indecency from many of the women living in the area.

"I'm just shocked," said Lucy Damon. "Where are our morals and sense of decency in this society?" Her husband, Fred Damon agreed. "Why just the other day, I was following her on the trail. You know, doing some investigative work, when she bent over to look at a cactus. With that little string bikini she was wearing, you could see her butt crack. You could also definitely see her firm buttocks and the supple firmness of her thigh muscles and the strain of her voluptuous calf muscles and she attempted to get a closer look at the cactus. Then her boobs fell out." Damon paused and wiped drool from the corner of his mouth. His wife then poked him hard in the ribs. "Then she put them back inside her top. The unmitigated gall of that luscious woman."

"That floozy is a disgrace to the neighborhood," said resident Mary Wayne, her hair in curlers and smoking a cigarette. "She goes gallivanting around dressed in nothing but a couple of strings and those devil shoes. You wouldn't catch me in an outfit like that." Wayne adjusted her ankle length moo-moo, stamped out her cigarette with her terrycloth slippers and waddled angrily back inside her house.

Fox, who works as a claims adjustor for Bluebeards Insurance, usually hikes the Cactus Goldmine trail after she leaves the office. Sometimes up to thirty men can be seen following her up the mile and a half trail. Most end up trampling over each other in order to get closer to her.

"She's a true goddess," said Marvin Ledbeter, a lonely systems analyst at Coleridge Data Systems. "I was hiking the trail one day and saw her and I knew I was in love. I've never actually talked to her, but I just have to have her in my life. I can give her more than these other guys. They're just making fools of themselves. I'm her true love."

Fox was puzzled by the fuss. "Look. The only people complaining are women and they're just jealous. I'm in my 30's, I'm single, I'm gorgeous and damn it, I love to tease! Just look at those drooling lapdogs. I can get anything I want from them. Watch this." She proceeded to shake her hips back in forth in a sensual way and then leaned backwards over a rock kicking her heels into the air while adjusting her breasts. This prompted the men following her to throw money, watches, and car keys at her. "In the last month alone I've received several gold and diamond necklaces; a Lexus; tons of clothing, shoes and makeup; dinners at expensive restaurants; and offers of trips to Paris, Tahiti, and Hawaii. Men are such saps!"

Not all of the protests have come from women. Podiatrist Ken Waxler expressed some concern that Fox chooses to hike in high heels. "As a podiatrist, I'm concerned about what she's doing to her feet and her legs. That trail is certainly rugged and rock strewn. And she's hiking uphill. She certainly is putting a lot of strain on her feet, her knees and her legs. On the other hand, as a red blooded American male, I'm enjoying the hell out of it! She's stacked like a brickhouse! And those legs! My God, what gams! Hubba, Hubba! Ruff, Ruff! RRRROOWL!" Waxler then howled like a wolf and started panting and shaking his leg uncontrollably.

Highlights of the XXVIII Olympiad

The XXVIII Olympic Games in Athens, Greece have come and gone and with it dozens of memories. Countless world and Olympic records were set this year and not surprisingly, the United States of America led in the medal count. There was some anti-Americanism displayed, however overall, the Games went on without a hitch despite security concerns. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of the top moments of these Olympic games.

	Richard Simmons makes a surprise appearance and wins a gold in rhythmic gymnastics
	In honor of the original Olympics, the athletes compete naked
	All the participants in the javelin catching event are killed
	The USA women's basketball team beats the USA men's basketball team
	The USA women's softball team beats the USA men's basketball team
	The USA women's gymnastics team beats the USA men's basketball team
	The marathon is won by some 300 pound Bulgarian woman
	Participants in the shooting competition are arrested by security
	The Canadian field hockey team shows up in full pads and skates
	Chinese table tennis players pummel reporter who refers to their sport as 'ping-pong'
	American gold medallist Tim Mack pole vaults out of the stadium
	Some British guy in a yellow raincoat riding a tricycle wins the cycling road race
	Janet Jackson appears at the closing ceremony and exposes both breasts