Ashcroft Begins Eighteen City Patriot Act Tour

Attorney General John Ashcroft kicked off his eighteen city tour to extol the virtues of the Patriot Act in grand fashion this week selling out shows in Louisiana and Las Vegas.

In Las Vegas, Christian rock group, John 3:16 opened for Ashcroft and sent the crowd of one hundred conservative Christian Republicans, dressed in suits and ties, into a somewhat loud hand clapping. Then Ashcroft and his backup band, The Methuselah Experience, came onstage. Dressed in a white T-shirt, blue jeans, and a star-spangled bandana around his head, Ashcroft opened up his show with a blazing rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on his electric guitar. Other songs played included God Bless America, Every Step You Take, Ahab the Arab, and Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows.

Between songs, Ashcroft addressed the crowd. "The Patriot Act is preserving freedom and liberty in America," said Ashcroft. "I think that patriotic Americans who love this country won't mind if the government knows what books you read, what you spend your money on, or what web sites you visit."

Critics contend that several provisions of the act, such as the 'sneak and peek', which allows the government to secretly search people's homes and delay telling them about the search, undermine basic civil liberties and violate constitutional rights.

Ashcroft continued his praise of the legislation later on in the show. "This law enforcement tool will provide great assistance to keeping this country free of undesirables in the future. Today it's terrorists! Tomorrow, it's anti-war protesters, environmentalists, purveyors of porn, non-Christian heathens, and those un-American wacko liberals!"

Ashcroft said after the show, "It's good to play in front of such a God fearing, patriotic crowd. I'm glad I played as long as I did. That gave our agents extra time to search the houses of audience members." He wiped the sweat from his brow, "Oh. We'll tell them about it...maybe."

Republicans To Recall All Democratic Governors

The Republican Party has unveiled an audacious plan to initiate recall elections in all 24 states where Democrats are governors.

"We very much feel emboldened by the success of Republicans in California in getting a recall election against Gray Davis," said Republican strategist Karl Rove. "I mean the guy really wasn't responsible for anything, but we pushed and by golly we got it. Just think what we could do in other states."

Republicans are already working up a plan against Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. They're attacking the manner in which she handled the recent gas shortage crisis, which most Arizonans feel she handled admirably. "Did you see the way she handled it," said Phoenix Republican and retired businessman Mansfield Drysdale. "I mean we actually had to wait in line for gas. I'm an American and I just won't stand for it. It's all her fault that pipeline broke. She's got to go!"

A sampling of other plans for other states include linking New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il's quest for nuclear weapons, blaming the power outages on Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, blaming the Midwestern heat wave on Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius, and complaining that Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm's hairdo is just plain evil.

"We won't stop until all fifty states have Republican Governors," said Rove in a maniacal voice, squinting his eyes and rubbing his hands together. "Republicans über alles! Republicans über alles!"

Local Man Boogies Down In Blimpie Line

Local software engineer Horace Jenson started dancing while waiting in line at the Cactus Corners Blimpie this past Wednesday.

"There were about seven people in line and this dork standing right behind me wearing a plaid shirt and polyester pants was checking me out," said eye-witness Tanya Peters. "They started playing Abba's Dancing Queen over the restaurant hi-fi system and the next thing you know, this guy starts getting jiggy like he's John Travolta or something. He even had the nerve to try to get me to dance. I about kicked him in the jewels."

Jenson reportedly boogied down for the entire duration of the song oblivious to all around him. When the song ended, he calmly resumed standing in line.

Store Manager Jerry Roskins said it's not the first time he's started hoofing in line. "Last month we had a line practically out the door and nerd boy was at the end. Waterloo came on the sound system and Fred Astaire started cutting the rug. He actually grabbed old Mrs. Herold from the line and did some Saturday Night Fever moves. Poor woman had to sit down and take a Dramamine." He shook his head, "That boy needs to take some Valium. Or get a girlfriend."

"It's Abba man," Jenson explained afterward, pushing his wire rim glasses up his nose. "I don't care where I'm at, when Abba comes on I've got to get my funk on, baby! I miss you Anafrid, Bjorn, Benny, and Agnatha. Thank you for the music!"

Top Ways For Managers To Improve Employee Morale

In these troubled times of high work place tension, massive layoffs and a roller coaster stock market, we at the BilgeBucket Gazette would like to help. We have compiled a list of ways for managers to improve employee morale. Chester Einstein swears by 'em.

	Routinely hover around employee's desk and ask, "Are you done yet?"
	Announce a 'no heavy sighing and gazing longingly out the window' policy.
	Institute a mandatory hoe-down Friday where every one dresses up in Western garb and square dances.
	Install a pay toilet in the restroom.
	Improve employee concentration by prying open eyelids with toothpicks.
	When waiting for an employee to respond to a question, interrupt and say "Oh, you don't know!".
	If you are a male manager, require women to wear halter tops and mini skirts.
	If you are a female manager, require women to wear halter tops and mini skirts.
	Instead of monetary compensation, reward good behavior with kipper snacks and a belly rub.