Cheney Admits Baghdad Occupation A Quagmire...In 1994

Rove Resigns To Pursue Rap Career; Bush Proposes Immediate Sainthood

Presidential advisor Karl Rove surprisingly resigned from the Bush White House this past week stating that he wanted to pursue his burgeoning rap career as M.C. Rove. President Bush responded by calling for immediate sainthood for the man he affectionately called ‘Turd Blossom’.

Rove, who was choked with emotion said, “I’ve truly enjoyed my time in the White House these past six years, spinning lies, obfuscating the truth, leaking classified information and helping place this country in the toilet. Ahhhhh…good times! But I must pursue my true passion: to become the grooviest white rap star in the world. You all saw my performance earlier this summer at the Media Correspondents Dinner. All I have to say is, Eminem, eat your heart out.”

President Bush, also emotionally affected by Rove’s impending departure said, “Is there any doubt that ‘Turd Blossom’ deserves sainthood? He truly deserves to be honored alongside St. Ronald Reagan, Joseph McCarthy and Richard Nixon in Republican Heaven. How am I going to get along without your expert deception? You are yet the latest in the long line of loyal Bushies who have been brutally and relentlessly harassed by bloodthirsty Democratics. Oh when will the pain and torture end? When will us poor, defenseless Republicans be able to get on with our lives without being persecuted. Woe, is me!” Bush then raised a hand to head and said “I feel… faint”. Aides then rushed to his side and hauled him off to the White House. Press Secretary Tony Snow then stepped to the microphone and said, “Are you satisfied now all you, you…Democrats?”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was very broken up by Rove’s departure. “That man was like a brother to me,” said Gonzales. “He’s the one who taught me the phrase ‘I don’t recall’. Or wait. I learned that from George. H. W. Bush. No. It was St. Ronald Reagan. Oh I don’t know. I don’t recall.” Gonzales paused, realized what he said and wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. “You taught me well. I’ll miss you my friend.”

Americans had mostly mixed reactions to Rove’s resignation. Herb Farrell, of Dermon, Texas, said, “This is all Bill Clinton’s fault. If he hadn’t boinked that fat intern, none of this would’ve happened and we’d all be living in gold houses with oil wells in every yard.”

Mabel Petersen, of Newsome, Tennessee said, “That poor Karl Rove. As a lifelong Republican, my heart just goes out to him. He was just playing fascist.”

Kevin Smith, of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania said, “This is fantastic news. Now that Rove is gone and we’ve got a Democratic congress…ummm….well…I guess nothing’s going to change that much. I wonder what the housing situation is like in Vancouver?”

Baseball Changes Rules; Only Home Runs To Count

With Barry Bonds breaking Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s home run record, the popularity of the home run hitting contest in the All-Star Game and the overall emphasis on hitting dingers in today’s games, Major League Baseball has announced that starting next season, a new set of rules will be enforced essentially making the game nothing but a home run contest.

MLB spokesman, Biff Baker, said in a press conference last week, “Basically, we’ve been contemplating this move for the last five or six years. The young players today aren’t interested in getting singles, doubles or triples. And let’s not even mention walks. Boring! No today’s players want the most money with the minimum effort. Running bases and playing defense is for suckers. The event that seems to get everyone jazzed is the big knock, the dinger, the tater, the big enchilada, the home run. The players like to hit them and the fans like seeing them. So why not cut out all that other crap and make the game a home run hitting contest. We eliminate the pitcher and just place a washed up old hurler out there to throw gopher balls. Then the team that hits the most home runs in 27 at bats wins the game. No running. No diving. No athleticism, period. Of course, this means that players can now play well into old age and we may even get some elite softball players in. This also means that we’ll expand our teams to every major city over 50, 000 people in the nation. Purists are going to be plenty pissed about this move, but Americans must understand: Baseball is no longer a sport; it’s a business. Therefore, we’ve got a bottom line to protect and that bottom line is profit for guys like me.”

Barry Bonds reveled in the new rules. “This is so great. Now I can play until I’m 90. I can make sure no one will ever break my home run record. But just for insurance, I’ll give old Greg Anderson a call for some steroid cream.”

However, Hank Aaron announced that he will be coming out of retirement to regain his home run record. “I’ve got news for that pumped up freak Bonds. The Hammer will be coming down on you, big time. I may be 73 years old but I know how to compete with the likes of you. That’s right. I’m giving Greg Anderson a call for some steroid cream.”

Light hitting shortstop Danny Rivera, said, “Oh man. I’m screwed. I’ve never hit a major league homer in my life. I’ve made a living on my fielding and my speed. Looks like I’ll be giving Greg Anderson a call for some steroid cream.”

Old timer, Spanky McDougal, who played left field for the Washington Senators back in the 30s, said, “This is a crying shame. They’re ruining the grand game of baseball. Why back in my day, we smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased women, got a couple of hours of sleep, played a double header, went out on the town and smoked and drank and cursed and swore and chased woman…wait a second. What were we talking about?”

Fans had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jim Costello, of Seattle, Washington said, “This is a great move! I love the home run. It’s over in a second, is awe-inspiring and leaves a powerful impact on those who see it…Just like the ol’ Jim meister in the sack. Am I right ladies?”

Curtis Jamieson, of Yuma, Arizona said, “I think it’s great because Yuma will have a major league team now and since I’m one of the leading softball players in town, I’m gonna get a chance to play in the major leagues. So you see, eating donuts and drinking beer is good for you. In your face, health food fanatics.”

Indian transplant Raja Nandakumar, of Charlotte, North Carolina said, “Please. Baseball is so boring. For me the most exciting game in the world is cricket. When Charlotte gets a cricket team, give me a call.”

Star Reveals Crappy Beauty Secret

Television actress, Victoria Primero, who starred in the popular 1980’s night time soap, Shreveport, has recently completed her informercial touting her secret to beautiful skin; rubbing manure on her face before she goes to bed every night. This odd beauty secret has won many adherents in the celebrity world, who rave about the results, although many consumers seem weary.

“I know it’s hard for some people to believe,” said a beaming Primero, “But I rub shit on my face every night before I go to bed and my skin has never looked better. At first, the smell kind of got to me, I have to admit. But after you get use to it, it’s no problem at all. It also helps if you’re not in a relationship because usually men run for the exit sign when they see me break out my bucket of pig manure and start slopping it on my face. But when it comes to it, I’d rather have beautiful young looking skin than love.”

Young singing sensation and socialite, Tiffany Brittany, also swears by the treatment. “I’m like so totally blown away by this treatment. Like, who knew that shit could be so good for your skin? Not me, that’s for sure. But like make sure you get it all off your face before you go clubbing. Like one time, I didn’t and I was shitfaced before I even got shitfaced. Oh my God! I just now got that!”

Former child star, Linda Doll, swears by it. “Since my career is pretty much dead, I need to pay my bills and support my drug habit. That’s why I love these new manure products that Victoria is hawking on an easily duped public. Take it from me, Linda Doll; its good shit!”

Noted Bulgarian dermatologist and psychic, Lazlo Bresniewski, who introduced the treatment to America, explained how he discovered the revolutionary treatment. “I was on family farm as boy and every day my brother, Boris push me into cow shit pile. He make me stay there for hours. In our teen age years, I never get pimples. Boris became, how you say, ‘pizza face’. I think to myself. ‘I think the shit keep me young.’ I work on my theory and perfected it. I tried smearing shit on young girls faces in my village. I would try pig shit, cow shit, donkey shit…Oh sure I would get my face smacked, but the women ,they love me when they get no crows feet when they hit twenty and believe me, women in my country go down hill when they hit twenty. So the women in my village, they love me. They say tell the world. So I come to America and spread my word. I guess you could say my word is shit. Hey, I’m funny, too. Eat your heart out Yakoff Smirnoff!”

Despite rave reviews from celebrities, many people are reluctant to rub feces on their faces. Karen Haren, of Dallas, Texas, said, “I work at the cosmetics counter at Mallards and honestly I don’t think shit will sell all that well. Maybe Ms. Primero ought to hawk her cosmetic product over at Home Depot’s Garden department.”

Daisy Mae Kinlove, of Burris, Missouri said, “Now whys’d I go buy some expensive crap from some hi-falutin’ star when I gots my own slops right out back. And you don’ts just wears it at night. I smears it all over myself. It shore done drive my Cletus crazy!”

Donna Reece, of Los Angeles, California, said, “I know all my favorite stars swear by this treatment, but I just don’t know about rubbing shit on my face. Oh, what the hell. They’re celebrities! There the smartest people in the world! They know better than I do!”

Top Names For Future Bourne Movies

The new movie The Bourne Ultimatum is getting rave reviews as is its star Matt Damon. The actor has now built quite a franchise of movies around the character of Jason Bourne, the former CIA assassin, turned rogue agent. It now seems assured that the world will be treated to more Jason Bourne movies in the future given the commercial success of the trilogy so far. The BilgeBucket staff has come up with a list of suggested names for upcoming movies in the Bourne universe. If Hollywood chooses these names, the movies are sure to be a smashing success!

	New Bourne King - Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s Jesus
	The Bourne Losers - Bourne gets amnesia and becomes a member of theTampa Bay Devil Rays
	Bourne on the Fourth of July - Bourne get amnesia and thinks he’s James Cagney
	Bourne to Run - Bourne gets amnesia and a chronic case of diarrhea
	Bourne to be Wild – Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s Tarzan
	First Bourne - Bourne regains his memory temporarily and remembers his days as a schoolyard assassin
	Bourne Again - Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a televangelist
	Water Bourne - Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a world class water skier
	A Star is Bourne - Bourne gets amnesia and becomes the toast of Broadway starring as Eliza Doolittle in a revival of My Fair Lady
	Bourne Free – Bourne gets amnesia and tries to live as a lion on the savannahs of Africa
	Bourne on the Bayou - Bourne gets amnesia and thinks he’s a Cajun crocodile farmer
	To the Manner Bourne - Bourne gets amnesia and has bawdy adventures as a well heeled gentleman in merry old England
	Natural Bourne Killers - Bourne gets amnesia and confronts a whole slew of people who just want to kill him (Wait…that’s the plot for the first three movies)
	Bourne Yesterday - Bourne gets amnesia and time travels back to The Bourne Identity and relives his adventures from his first movie
	Bourne and Bread - Bourne gets amnesia and becomes a baker