Summer Has Been One Big Hot Flash

Hello darlings! I hope y'all have had good summers. Mine has been one long hot flash. I've managed to take a little time off from my cosmetologist job at Shear Enough salon and have some hot, sweaty fun. Starting off with my adventure at Madonna's concert in Vegas with Beulah Snodgrass, I've just had wall-to-wall men all summer long.

After my Vegas adventure, I traveled to Tijuana, Palm Springs, El Paso, Albuquerque and Amarillo. I had a wild time in Tijuana with some Mexican men who used to be jockeys. We played race-track. I was a thoroughbred mare and I let them take turns riding me. Palm Springs was memorable, because I met up with a man who used to know the late Sonny Bono. Let's just say the beat went on and on and on. He proposed marriage, but you know I can't settle down. I went on and partied hardy in El Paso and Albuquerque with some old girlfriends of mine. Then I vamoosed over to Amarillo last week and played a little round up with some cowboys there. I was hogtied and loving it!

But now it's time to get back to work at Shear Enough and here at the BilgeBucket. Once again, I've been swamped with letters from y'all. Some of you boys are getting a little too randy. This isn't Letters to Penthouse you know. So I just picked some of the cleaner letters. I did pick one naughty letter though. See if you can guess which one it is. Enjoy!

Dear Hot Mama,

I stumbled across this website while I was surfing for porn sites and I saw your face and I just had to write you. I'm originally from Arkansas. I lived in Washington D.C. for a while, but now I live in New York. I play the saxophone and I recently wrote a best selling book. I'm not going to mince words, so here goes. I want to sex you up. Real bad. I'm married and my wife can be one scary bitch. But she doesn't seem to mind me playing around. Let's role-play. You play an intern and I'll play the President.

Bubba

P.S. Do you like cigars?

Dear Bubba,

Oooh! I love cigars! I like smoking them, too. And I've always wanted to take dictation, if you know what I mean. And role-play! Kinky! I must admit. I've never been able to resist a Bubba, especially one from Arkansas. I'll meet you next Saturday at the Horny Beaver Lodge over in Wickenburg. I'll be sure and bring my presidential knee pads. ;-)

Dear Shirley Ray,

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do with my trailer. It is such a mess! There are empty beer cans all over the place, cigarette butts on the floor, my husband Burt's underwear is draped on the lampshades. We're even using sheets as window curtains. What can I do to turn my home into the showcase of our trailer park?

Messy Mae

Dear Messy Mae,

I'm no Martha Stewart, but I have fixed up a few trailers in my time, punkin. First of all, you can recycle all those beer cans into useful items around the trailer. Make a salt and pepper shaker or a deluxe spice rack out of those Bud Light empties. Or, if you know how to crochet, beer can hats and bags are back in style. Actually, they were never out of style, am I right?

You need to find a fun way to make your man use the ashtray instead of the floor. Go and get one of those novelty toilet or outhouse ashtrays and I guarantee Burt will be crushing his butts in the toilet. You can also put a hamper in the living room and put a little rim and net above it. That way your hubby will think he's a high flying basketball player hooping a big score when he's tossing away his soiled loincloths. Finally, nothing says class like leopard skin. Go to the fabric store, get some leopard skin print and make your own curtains. If you don't know how to sew, just use staples.

A couple of other hints: try draping a red hanky over each lamp for fancy lighting effects; plastic furniture covers are not only practical, they're fashionable; pink flamingoes aren't just for the lawn, they make a welcome addition to any living room; and what trailer is complete without a velvet painting of Elvis hanging on the wall. Happy redecorating!

Dear Shirley Ray,

I'm so confused. I'm dating the most wonderful man in the world. He puts me on a pedestal and treats me like a queen. He's kind and considerate and he's got a job. A real good job. He's manager of the pesticide department over at Juggermart. But I find that I'm still attracted to other men. Why just last weekend, while my boyfriend was working late doing inventory, I was over at Jinx's Pool Hall, doing it on a pool table with four drunken macho hunks. Afterward, they dumped me out of their truck and made me walk home in my stilettos. Am I a slut? Is there something wrong with me?

Dazey

Dear Dazey,

Honey, if I had a dollar for everytime I did it with four muscle bound drunks who dumped me out on the road afterwards, I'd be living in Beverly Hills. No you're not a slut and there's nothing wrong with you, darling. You're just a modern sexually liberated woman, who's living life to it's fullest; Shirley Ray style. As for your boyfriend, if he doesn't understand your womanly longings and desires, then maybe he's not the one for you, even if he does work at Juggermart. Any way you slice it, I think you're well on your way to appearing on the Jerry Springer show, you lucky little devil.

Dear Shirley Ray,

Cuzin Pearl is having a fancy smancy weddin' this week. Does I have to take a bath? I just took one last Crismas.

Cuzin Merle

Dear Cuzin Merle,

Sugar, I hate to rain on your parade, but you're getting a little ripe. Now empty out the used motor oil from your tub, fill it with water and take a bath. It won't kill you to clean yourself at least twice a year. And don't forget the soap. I'm pretty sure you'll be needing a full bar.

That's all for this week, darlings. Talk to you next time.

Love and Kisses!

Shirley Ray,
The Queen Of Cactus Needles Trailer Park