Bush, Kerry Trade Barbs In Iowa

President Bush and Democratic candidate John Kerry traded barbs at each other last week while both were campaigning in Davenport, Iowa. Both campaigns claim that the crossing of paths was just a coincidence.

The first encounter came while both limos carrying the candidates stopped side by side at the same stoplight. It was reported that Bush and Kerry made funny faces at each other, but neither could see them because of the tinted windows of their respective limousines.

The next clash came when the candidates gave stump speeches just a few blocks away from each other. Bush glanced over toward Kerry on his podium and thinking he saw the Senator do something, stuck his tongue out. Kerry in turn thumbed his nose in Bush's direction.

Bush explained his actions, "I thought that Osama loving, Kerry made a distinctively French gesture toward me, so I did what us Bushes do best: I stuck my tongue out at him. You keep on doing that Jenna. I also started chanting 'neener-neener-neener', but ol' Lurch probably couldn't hear that. I'm surprised his woman didn't jump up and start yelling obscenities at me. In that household, she wears the pants, if you know what I mean." He then chuckled to himself for five minutes.

Later on, both candidates stopped at the Country Bucket Buffet and Feed Lot. Seated just a few tables away from one another, Bush flung a pea at Kerry with his spoon. The pea lodged in Kerry's magnificently manicured coiffure and stayed there causing several restaurant patrons, including some in Kerry's entourage, to erupt with laughter. After the meal, the Kerry camp got back at Bush by sending their check to Bush's table and leaving the restaurant.

Bush didn't miss a beat. He chortled, "I'll just let the taxpayers pick up the tab you girlie-man. I mean after all, this is an official presidential visit, not a campaign stop. Heh-heh-heh! It's good to be king...er...I mean president."

Some folks were not amused by the campaign shenanigans. Shannon Timmins said, "Are you sure there's no decent third party candidates out there. Nader can't be it. Come on, you're kidding me. Hello, Pat Paulsen. Anyone? "

Les Mills said, "God, you mean we got two more months of this crap. I've had enough. I'm moving to Iraq."

Engineers Have Excruciatingly Boring Lunch

By all accounts from the wait staff and fellow diners at El Toro Western Grill, last Friday's luncheon of engineers from Cactus Manufacturing Control Systems was a painful snooze fest.

The luncheon was the brainchild of CMCS's CEO Mike Leandro. According to Leandro, he wanted to promote teamwork and camaraderie amongst his engineers. "Many of them work on different projects. Some are more involved with software and some deal strictly with mechanical aspects. So I just wanted to bring them all together so they could talk and get to know one another; kind of like an icebreaker. I guess I should have showed up to guide the conversation."

"Oh my God! What a disaster!" said waitress Pam Fuller. "I've never seen anything like it: seven guys just sitting around looking at each other, sipping on their water. I mean, I thought the stereotype of nerds being socially inept was unfair until I saw that. Geez Louise!"

Patron William Hobbs agreed it was pretty wretched to watch. "Those nerds were excruciating! It looked like one of those old Clint Eastwood westerns the way they just sat motionless shifting their eyes back and forth looking awkwardly at each other, then at their place settings, then at their feet. My wife and I just shook our heads. I mean we've been married 35 years. We're no gabby Gerties, but we've never been that pathetic."

There was a point during the lunch when it looked as if a conversation would break out. One mechanical engineer, Tom Hesketh, asked what time it was, to which a software engineer, Bob Abrams, replied a quarter 'til one. But no follow up conversation ensued.

Fuller continued, "Not only that, they all ordered the cheapest item on the menu: a bowl of soup. And no drinks! They just drank water! On top of that, they left a 5 percent tip. What a bunch of cheapskates! If they ever come back in here, Karen can have that table. Or better yet, they can serve themselves."

When asked why no one talked during the lunch, engineer Kevin Gulden said, "Gee. Dunno. Um...just didn't feel like...um...you know...talking." He then looked at his shoes and nodded his head slowly.

Leandro added, "I thought for sure they would have found something to talk about like computers or cars. When they do talk, that's all they ever discuss anyway. Man, I'm not looking forward to the Christmas party."

Busboy Luis Garcia summed up the restaurants opinion of the group. "El nerdos es muy lame-o!" He then made the shape of an L on his forehead with his right hand.

Local Man Dressing A Little Too Retro

Residents in the trendy Cactus Corners apartment complex, Cactus Mirage, have noticed that one of its residents has been dressing a little too retro. It seems to many that James T. Rowland is stuck in the '70s: the 1870s.

Rowland wears his hear shortly cropped on top, but with long fuzzy sideburns and a well-groomed moustache. He usually dresses in a 19th century black frock coat with silk buttons; a stylish gray vest with a watch fob attached to the top vest button, a silken black bow tie with a crisp white linen shirt with a winged collar; gray striped pants; and a black silk stove pipe hat. He also wears pince-nez spectacles and likes to carry a black walking cane with a golden lion head handle.

"What's with that dude?" asked Candy Bergman. "He shows up to all our parties dressed like he's Mr. Peanut or something. Then he starts talking like 'Good evening, my lady!' I don't what he's thinking but that gentleman crap doesn't work with the woman of today. We need to be smacked on the ass and called either 'ho' or bitch. That works for me anyway."

Resident Mike Fernald said, "That guy's got to be sweating his ass off. I mean it's 110 degrees outside and he's wearing that outfit out at the pool. Come on! Retro's cool if you're, like, going back twenty or thirty years. One hundred thirty years is just weird, man."

Sylvia Dailey expressed sympathy for Rowland. "That poor man. I see him occasionally at some of the hip Scottsdale bars like Razzle and he seems so out of place. Everybody's wearing baggy pants and tee shirts and he comes walking through wearing his suit. Oh well. I guess that goes to show you that you can't dress too unconventionally or people will just avoid you." Dailey then adjusted her vinyl mini-dress, straightened her pink wig, inserted her nose ring, put on a fresh coat of black lipstick and clopped off in her seven-inch patent leather platform shoes.

Rowland seemed perplexed by the ill feelings toward him. "I must say that I'm truly vexed by their attitude. I'm only trying to act in a gracious and courteous manner toward my peers. Perhaps they are envious of my stylish garments, especially my morning ensemble. It is quite natty. One can only speculate. I know I shan't lose any sleep over the matter. Besides Miss Bergman is a stone cold hoochie. Ta-ta for now. I'm late for my evening constitutional."

Top Excuses For The Arizona Diamondbacks

The Arizona Diamondbacks are going through their worst season in their short seven year history. The 2001 World Series champions are on track to lose over 110 games this year. Other than Randy Johnson's perfect game in May, there have been few highlights this year. The members of the BilgeBucket staff are all die hard fans and have compiled a list of excuses for this nightmare of a season. All we've got to say is it's been a sucky season for sports here in the Valley of the Sun.

	We've been using wiffle bats instead of wood bats
	Ug! Catching ball hard! Brain hurt!
	In retrospect, using Little League pitchers to save money probably wasn't a good idea
	Pre-game player sacrifice to gods depleted team too rapidly
	Babes in the right field swimming pool keep distracting us
	Joe Garagiola Sr. keeps boring everybody with his anecdotes
	Randy Johnson can't pitch every game. Or can he?
	We're too busy scratching our crotches and spittin' tobaccy
	Don't blame us; the other team wasn't hitting the ball at us
	We needed Gomy Dinkman's dynamite bat in the line up (suggested by guess who)
	Catching and throwing the ball might damage our delicate manicures
	We didn't realize we're supposed to pitch overhand
	Are you kidding? This is baseball! We're actually supposed to stay awake through a whole game?
	It's all Bill Clinton's fault