Poindexter Opens WMD Futures Casino In Vegas

Retired Rear Admiral John Poindexter, who resigned from his post at the Pentagon for his idea of creating a futures market that would capitalize on predicting terror attacks, has taken his proposal to Vegas and opened a casino named the Armagedd Inn.

"I still think it's a crackerjack idea," said Poindexter. "And what better place to exploit this scheme than the pit called Las Vegas. Sin City! These knuckleheads will be eating out of my hand, baby."

Poindexter then went on to explain the betting process. "It's a pretty simple process, daddy-o. The bettor chooses the target, time and weapon of mass destruction and if it happens, it's ring-a-ding-ding time, baby."

So far, the reaction from residents has been much the same as from Congress. "I'm absolutely shocked," said longtime slot jockey, Lucille Richardson. "If he thinks I'm giving up my machine to play his silly game then he's got another think coming." She paused and stroked her slot machine lovingly. "You're going to payoff soon aren't you my precious."

There are some who think Poindexter's plan is grand. "This is marvelous," said a man of middle-eastern descent who asked to remain nameless. "Not only can I make a killing of America, I can make a killing in America. Allah Akbar! What a great country!"

Some of the bets placed so far include:

Exxon-Mobil To Sponsor Yellowstone Park

As part of President Bush's plan to outsource federal jobs to the private sector, Yellowstone National Park will now be sponsored by Exxon-Mobil.

"We are very pleased with this development," said President Bush. "This will cut federal costs and will result in the park running more efficiently." He paused and then added, "Oh and we'll also get to drill for more Texas tea."

Exxon-Mobil spokesman, Walter B. Jamieson said, "This will be the greatest park in the world. We'll put in some roller coasters, five star hotels, and world class shopping. Of course, the wildlife will be perfectly preserved. They'll be placed in zoos. And get this, the kids will get to pet, feed and kill their own buffaloes. What a deal!"

Yellowstone visitor, eight year old, Kimmy Taylor was excited about the new park. "This park is so boring now. I can't wait to ride the new rides, play arcade games and plug a buffalo. "

Exxon-Mobil employees will be stationed throughout the park, guiding tourists to shopping, pointing out old points of interest and explaining why privatization of national parks is a good, necessary, patriotic thing to do.

Park officials also plan to open up drill sites to tourists so they can see a good old fashioned oil strike. "If you think Ol' Faithful was something," said Jamieson. "Wait until you get a load of a gusher spurting that beautiful black gold into the air. Oh God! Oh God!!! What a sight!!!!" Jamieson then excused himself and went to the bathroom to masturbate.

Other proposed corporate sponsorships include: Georgia-Pacific Redwood National Park, Texaco Zion National Park, and Phelps Dodge Grand Canyon National Park.

Shamu To Run For Governor in California

The field for Governor of California grew much larger today when Shamu, the Killer Whale threw her flipper into the ring Saturday.

"I feel the time is right for me to make the big splash into politics," said Shamu from her tank in SeaWorld.

Julie Kendricks, Shamu's trainer, filed her papers Saturday at the Los Angeles County's Registrar's office. The whale's filing was only one page long. The only assets listed were a million buckets of fish, an oversized toothbrush, and a ten foot tall dildo.

"I feel I could be just as good a governor as Arnold Schwarzenegger," said Shamu. "Millions of people love me, too. I'm bigger than he is. I'm also smarter than he is." The whale added, "I've got years of experience swimming in circles and jumping through hoops, which will come in handy dealing with government bureaucracy. If I'm elected there will be a smelt in every pot." After a moment of silence, she added, "Ah to hell with it! I'm going to escape from this tank and swim away from this idiotic state forever."

In related news, other last minute filers Saturday included Ron Jeremy, Carrot-Top, Tori Spelling, Charles Manson, and Jim Morrison.

Local Man Has A Dandy Workout

Fifty year old Cactus Corners Fitness member Jim Hermann, caught the eye of other patrons last Saturday when he wore a white, puffy, pirate shirt with cycling shorts for his weight lifting workout.

"I was like, doing my bench, and then ol' Hermy comes walking in," said Kurt Moss. "I about dropped the weights on my chest. I was like, 'Whoa' and Ken, my spotter, was like, 'Whoa. What's up with that shirt?' He looked like a dandy. I mean Byron McGee was going McGa-Ga over him."

Hermann said he saw the shirt in a Continental Stud catalog and had to have it. "It makes me look like a swashbuckler," he said stroking his receding gray hair. "Chicks like rough and tumble buccaneer types."

"Rough and tumble my ass!" said personal trainer Laquisha Jones. "I don't know what he was thinking, but we women were laughing our asses off. Who does he think he is? Johnny Depp."

Patron Wanda Meadows agreed. "I always noticed Jim. I actually thought about asking him out. Then he wore that shirt." She then started laughing uncontrollably. "What a bozo!"

Hermann acknowledged that his wardrobe choice was a bit of a fashion risk. "Sure, it was risky. But that's what I'm all about. Danger is my middle name."

Moss had a bit of advice for Hermann. "I think Mr. Danger better watch out when he takes a shower. I think Byron wants to play pirate and board his ship."