Rice Makes Happy House Call To Middle East

With the recent escalation of hostilities between Hezbollah and Israel, Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, has discovered what a difficult place the Middle East can be. But Rice has made it known that she is more than happy to travel to the Middle East to assist in the peacemaking process and the ‘birthing’ of democracy in Lebanon.

“I’m just giddy with delight to be able to help out in Lebanon,” declared Rice. “I do know something about birthing a democracy. The mayhem and destruction occurring there are perfectly normal for a fledgling democracy. Take Iraq... please.” She then slapped the podium with her palm and laughed heartily. “Dubya told me to tell that as an icebreaker. My husband…er…President sure knows funny!”

She then composed herself and continued. “I do feel like a doctor guiding the Middle East through the incredibly painful birth pangs of democracy. Yes, this baby may be a hideous, multi-headed, scaly, fanged, deformed, bastardized Gorgon version, which may lead to the instability in the region for decades to come, but its still democracy. I look forward to traveling to Beirut and staying in a posh resort hotel, far away from the shelling, where I can shop at the nearest souq for some shoes and maybe some handbags. What? It’s been bombed out? Well then I’ll be staying at a posh resort hotel in Jerusalem. I don’t think the Hezbollah rockets can hit there. Oh, I hear they have an Itzak Mizrahi outlet there, too. Now I will play some Chopin for you.” She then stepped over to a nearby piano and started playing Chopin’s Nocturnes: No. 3 In B, Op. 9 No. 3 for the assembled journalists.

Rice has received much criticism from European and Arab countries who think that she isn’t doing enough to promote peace in the region. U.N. Security Council representative, Henri DuPont said, “Rice is just sitting on the sidelines, while the innocent people of Beirut are caught in the middle. Israel needs to relent and stop bombing innocent civilians in Lebanon. Iran and Syria need to pressure Hezbollah to quit using people as human shields and to stop aggression against Israel. I wish there was some global organization that could intervene and prevent future hostilities. What international body could step in and do that? Won’t somebody tell me who?”

Saudi envoy, Said al-Kazar said, “I think she is siding with Israel too much. Israel has the right to defend herself sure, but what about the Arabs. They should just lie down? On the other hand, I do enjoy her sassy outfits and those legs that go on forever. Ruff, ruff!”

President Bush defended Rice. “People, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times; democracy isn’t easy. Take it from me; a authoritarian dictatorship is much easier. Condi is an excellent lackey and she’s doing a heckuva job! And she plays a mean piany, too.”

Rice concluded by saying, “I’m a student of history and we really won’t know how this will play out until another twenty or thirty years from now when it would be completely tasteless to blame this disaster on me because I’ll be an old, lonely, African American lady. And now for some Beethoven.”

Bush Office of Lessons Learned Small, Empty

Last week, a group of tourists was shocked to find that the Bush Administration’s Office of Lessons Learned, was not only empty but just a closet in the basement of an office building across from the White House.

“Wow what a shocker!” said tourist John Melbourne from Little Rock, Arkansas. “I was completely surprised. I came to Washington D.C. to see three things; the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument and this office and it’s just a dark, dank, closet full of brooms, mops and roach traps. What a gip!”

“Oh, I was sure upset,” said Gloria Hale from Berryville, Illinois. “I figured with all the mistakes Bush has made these past five years; you know, Iraq, Afghanistan, allowing torture, illegal wiretapping, secrecy in government, the gargantuan deficit, no affordable healthcare, the Medicare drug program, high gas prices, the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, the Middle East crisis, ignoring global warming, dismantling environmental regulation, tax cuts to the rich, stacking the courts with conservative ideologues, ruining America’s standing with the rest of the world. I thought there would be a building the size of the Pentagon filled to the rafters with documents. Instead we get this little closet. There wasn’t even a waste basket in it. What a gip!”

Dave Rogers from St. Louis, Missouri said, “I wasn’t completely disappointed. We did manage to see the director of the Office of Lessons Learned, Stuart Baker, get into his BMW and drive away, though. Did you know he makes over $100k a year? Who did he blow to get that job, eh? Ah, who am I kidding? What a gip!”

When asked about the Office of Lessons Learned, President Bush said, “Oh that’s old screwy Stuey’s office. Fortunately, we haven’t had to use that office very much during my time as President, since I don’t make mistakes. But I will say old Stuey’s doing a heckuva job!”

F.D.A. Approves Retro Virus Vaccine

The Food and Drug Adminstration recently approved a retro virus vaccine that will eliminate humans need to nostalgically relive previous decades.

Dr. Joseph Sullivan said, “This will come as a welcome relief to people who are tired of regurgitating past cultural experiences from decades such as the ‘60s and the ‘70s. Do we really have to resurrect Disco? It sucked the first time around. And haven’t we all had enough of the Brady Bunch. If I see one more Brady Bunch reunion, I think I’m going to hurl. We have to stop this retro virus now, before it gets to the 90’s. Do we really want to relive The Nanny, Vanilla Ice and Doogie Howser? God help us all!”

People didn’t seem all that interested in the vaccine. Greg Thompsen of Ft. Chihuahua, New Mexico said, “I don’t know. I love the ‘70s. When I’m wearing my lime green leisure suit and three inch platform shoes, all seems right with the world.”

Brad Collins of Redwood Cove, California said, “I like the ‘80s man. I love those classic shows like Mr. Belvedere, Charles in Charge and Gimme a Break. I could watch those over and over and over again. And I do. I especially like to dress up in my Members Only jacket and parachute pants and watch Pretty in Pink over and over and over again. As you’ve probably surmised, I don’t go out much.”

June Davis of Pleasantville, Oregon said, “Me? I’m not interested in any vaccine. I’m stuck in the ‘50s. I love wearing a nice dress, with my high heel pumps and my strand of pearls around my neck vaccuming and dusting the house as I wait patiently for my husband Ward to come home. It’s been 50 years since he left for that pack of cigarettes, but he’ll be home soon. I’ve got meatloaf cooking in the oven. See everything is perfect.”

Crowd Runners Starved For Attention

A couple of Cactus Corners runners have recently complained about the amount of pedestrian traffic in the Cactus Corners stylish Downtown Mall district. The two runners, Ted Schmitz and Daryl Carson, say that sometimes it’s just about impossible to get their runs in because of all the people.

“You just can’t believe how difficult it is to get a good run in Downtown,” said Schmitz. “Daryl and I work nights over at Manley Security so we like to get up and go running at about noon or 12:30. And wouldn’t you know it every time we go running, there’s a crowd of people apparently going to lunch or something. I’ve got to slow down and sometimes I even have to stop and walk around people. It’s so irritating!”

Carson concurred with his running partner. “I’m training for the P.C. Wang’s Rockin’ Rodeo Marathon and how am I supposed to get a good run in if I’m starting and stopping all the time. Don’t people get it? I’m training here. I should have right of way. People can be so rude sometimes.”

The pedestrians walking along the mall disagree with the two runners. “Those guys are jerks,” said Emma Rockwell, an analyst at the nearby SKYMart regional headquarters. “I mean they’re both just attention starved macho jackasses who want to be noticed. Any idiot can figure out that it’s probably not a good idea to go running during lunch hour in the part of downtown that has the most businesses. I know for a fact there’s a track just about a mile away that probably has no traffic on it. Now wouldn’t it make sense to you that if you want to run at a fast pace, you go where you’ve got an unobstructed path.”

Mary Darcy, a receptionist at Cardington Consolidated said, “Where’s the friggin fire? Get this; I was walking back to the office with my friend Julia. The sidewalk is crowded and we’re passing by this trash can. Well all of a sudden, that dark haired jerk comes whizzing past us trying to squeeze between me and the can. Well he bumps my arm, I drop my drink, the trash can gets knocked over and he’s starts acting all pissed off that I got in his way and interrupted his stride. Well excuse the hell out of me! Then he runs off and I’ve got to clean up the mess. What an asshole!”

Terrance Watkins, a manager at the nearby Nolan’s Café, said, “Those guys are nothing but a couple of showoffs. I mean come on! They run down the crowded sidewalks right at the height of lunch hour wearing nothing but short shorts and they’re barely wearing those. They go running past my cafe flexing those sinewy legs and showing off those rock hard abs. Not that I notice those things. I mean come on, I’m a guy. I’m not interested in six pack abs or flexing biceps. Heh-heh! Heh-heh! Hey, how ‘bout those Cardinals?”

Schmitz deflected any criticism. “Come on. That Watkins guy is just jealous because we’re ripped and he looks like Homer Simpson. We’ve got lean bodies and we’re not afraid to show it off. I think the women enjoy seeing how fast we are. I think it impresses them to have us whizzing by them while they’re just trudging along girly-like on the sidewalk. I know I get off on it.”

Carson added, “Oh yeah! That chick you ran into last week and knocked her drink all over the sidewalk; she wanted you bad. She was cursing you out dude, but inside she was dreaming of getting it on with you.”

When told of Schmitz comments, Darcy laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding. That asshole? After what he did to me? The only thing I’d consider doing with him is maybe a drink... possibly dinner. But I definitely wouldn’t sleep with him...at least not on the first date.”

Top Dating Rejection Lines

Let’s face it: dating these days is a risky and mostly disappointing venture. Men and women alike are confronted by obnoxious, disgusting companions of the opposite sex or the same sex, depending on your orientation. Women especially seem beleagured in warding off advances from persistant but less than desirable suitors. Well the BilgeBucket is here to help! Our intrepid staff has watched thousands of episodes of Blind Date and compiled a list of surefire ways to tell your pursuer to get lost. Our resident sexpot, Shirley Ray Bodine swears by ‘em, although we don’t think she’s actually used them very much.

	I like dates who have showered this year, Mr. Nolte.
	I’m sorry. I have no desire to be the next Mrs. Larry King.
	No, I will not wear a burqa, you kinky bastard, Mr. Bin Laden.
	I don’t care what you say; Elvis was not Japanese, Mr. Koizumi.
	Just because you’re the Vice President’s daughter doesn’t mean I’m interested Mary.
	Quit groping my gazongas, Mr. Schwarzenegger!
	Quit groping my shoulders, Mr. Bush!
	Quit groping my blue dress, Mr. Clinton!
	I’m not going to let you spin me. I’m not buying it. Loofah mitts are not an aphrodisiac, Mr. O’Reilly.
	I’ve heard you can’t keep your missile up, Mr. Kim Jong Il.
	I don’t really want an STD this year, especially from some perverted editor named Dex Rexter of some lameass satirical magazine named the BilgeBucket Gazette. (Ouch! That hurts!)
	I don’t care if you just popped a Viagra, Mr. Limbaugh, GO AWAY!
	You’re fired, Mr. Trump!
	No, Geraldo. Your moustache isn’t wicked cool.
	I’m Jewish, Mr. Gibson.
	No thank you anonymous hunky man. I’m celebate now. Oh it’s been almost one day. I can’t take it anymore! Rock my world!