Bush Sez "Ooops! I Meant To Invade Iran Not Iraq"

President Bush announced this past week that he finally thought of a mistake he committed during his first three years. A few months ago, the President said during a press conference that he couldn't think of a single mistake he had made.

"After much thought and research by my administration, we have found that we should've invaded Iran, not Iraq. It was Iran who had the weapons of mass destruction. It was Iran who had the links to Al-Qaeda. Therefore I admit I made a mistake. Are you happy now you liberal media vultures?"

When asked how he could have made such a mistake, Bush was quick to defend himself."Now come on people. It was easy to get confused. I mean n and q are right next to each other in the alphabet. Not only that, it was all the CIA's, FBI's and Bill Clinton's fault. So technically, I still didn't make a mistake."

Bush then presented how he would rectify the gaffe. "To fix this, we'll just have to invade Iran. That's why I'm instituting mandatory military service for all blacks and Hispanics of voting age. Also all registered Democraps... I mean Democrats, regardless of age, will be eligible for the draft. Registered Republicans will have the option to go into the National Guard or work on my campaign. I'd like to start this war before the November election. If my calculations are correct, I should be giving a 'Mission Accomplished' speech by the beginning of my next term."

Public response was predictably mixed. Democrat Harold Baxter of Albany, New York, said, "This is insanity! Our military is already spread thin enough in the world. Starting another war is going to destabilize the region even more and cause even more anti-American sentiment. It may even bring about a nuclear war. Besides that, I'm 63 years old. I've got a bad back and gout. What good am I going to be on the frontline?"

However, many people, mostly Republicans, forgave the President for his mistake and approved Bush's plan. "It was an easy mistake to make," said Mildred Warrenton, of Silver Spoon, Virginia. "Iran. Iraq. I mean the countries sound so much alike. I mean he's so charming. How could you stay mad at a face like that?"

Darryl Norman of Muggy Bottom, Mississippi, said "It serves those Muslim loving liberals right. Now they get to go over and get all touchy feely with all those ragheads. I hope they all get some hot lead in their asses and go to hell where they belong. Arrrgggghhhh!!! Oh, God Bless America!"

Clint M. Tucker of Fetid Gulch, Texas, said, "Alls I know is I believe in doing whatever the President says. If he says I gots to work on his campaign, then who am I too argue. Being a sheep is good. Baaahhhhh! Baaahhhhh!"

College Student Rebels: Opts For No Tattoos Or Body Piercing

Austin McDaniel, who is a freshman at Arizona State University, decided to rebel against his peers and not get a tattoo or body piercing.

"I don't know," said McDaniel. "I just decided to go against the grain. I mean, come on. Either you got a ring through your tongue or you got a skull tattoo on your ass. It's so cliché. I play by my own rules. I just thought I'd do something different."

Other students noticed McDaniel's rebellion. "I don't get it," said senior General Studies student Sean Heaton. "Why wouldn't you want a piercing through your nose? I just don't understand this younger generation. I really fear for our future."

Senior Communications major Melinda Kord agreed. "Some people just have to be non-conformist hooligans! For me there's nothing sexier than a guy with tattoos and piercing all over his body. Take Brady Shelton. He's got fifty tattoos on his body, a nose piercing, both of his ears pierced, his toes pierced, his eyebrows pierced, his tongue pierced, his lips pierced, his nipples pierced. He's even got his you know what pierced. He's so peachy keen!"

However, Exercise Science major, April Donovan, said that McDaniel's rebellion is sexy. "Sure, he doesn't set off metal detectors, but I guess a non-decorated body is kinda radical. I do love a rebel. I wonder if he drives a station wagon. That would be so out there!"

Local Mormon Lads Sweating Their Asses Off

Local Mormon missionaries Brandon Neal and Lucas Brennan continued their mission riding the local Cactus Corner neighborhood converting people to Mormonism, despite temperatures reaching well over 100 degrees.

"I must admit it's been a bit challenging lately," commented Neal, wiping sweat from his brow, as he sat aboard his bike waiting for the light to change. "I mean shit... ooops, damn. I didn't mean to say that...we're sweating our asses off here..., Fuck I did it again. Hell, I'm cussing left and right. Jesus H. Christ, my brain is fried."

"I don't think this is very fair," said Brennan, sucking water from his camelback. "It's so hot out and yet we are required to wear a shirt, tie, long pants, and good shoes. Not only that, we've got to wear this stuffy bike helmet and carry our heavy packs and ride our bikes all over tarnation trying to convert people who don't want anything to do with us. Give us a break! At least let us wear shorts and a tee-shirt."

It's a tradition for male members of the church to go on a two-year mission when they reach their late-teens or early twenties. It's also important that during the mission, the young men perform their mission away from home and family. Neal and Brennan are both from the Salt Lake City area and aren't accustomed to the Valley heat. Cactus Corners LDS Ward President John Hunt said, "It's important that members go out and spread the word of God and suffer just like Jesus did. Young Neal and Brennan shouldn't complain. This is just their cross to bear for the next couple of years. Besides their conversion ratio is extremely low. If they don't start converting people I might be forced to send them to Yuma next year. Now that's hot!"

"I don't see how we're going to convert people, when we're all hot, sweaty and smelly," said Brennan wearily. "You should see people's reaction when they see us coming. It's like we've got the plague. I mean they literally start running away from us. I'm really starting to get a complex."

"Catholics don't have to do this crap," snarled Neal. "Hunt wants more conversions, I'll give him conversions. I convert to Buddhism. I'll probably go to hell now! But I don't fear hell; I've been to Cactus Corners Arizona! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Neal then rode erratically into oncoming traffic.

Top Events At The Democratic National Convention

The 2004 Democratic National Convention occurred last week in Boston and by most accounts, was a smashing success. Even Republican pundits gave the Democrats kudos for the strong vibrant speeches by many of the top Democratic luminaries such as Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Edwards and John Kerry. The BilgeBucket staff was riveted to the television for all four nights noting all speeches and noteworthy appearances. We've compiled a list of the top events for the convention.

	Dick Cheney crashes convention and gets into a curse-fest with Teresa Heinz Kerry
	The 'killer bunny' makes a surprise appearance during Jimmy Carter's speech and taunts him with chants of "Jimmy! Jimmy!"
	Bill Clinton is escorted to the stage by a bevy of Playboy playmates
	Hillary Clinton kicks Bill Clinton's ass and soundly thumps each of the playmates
	Koko the Gorilla appears and proves to be a better speaker than George W. Bush
	John Kerry and John Edwards show up with matching blue Mohawks
	Joe Lieberman electrifies the crowd by rapping with Public Enemy rapper Chuck D
	Cyborg A7193 a.k.a. Al Gore delivers a satisfactory oratory perfomance which pleases many homo sapiens in the audience
	Ted Kennedy gets drunk and sings Do You Think I'm Sexy onstage
	Homeland Security agents arrest everyone after hearing chants of "Obama! Obama!"
	Michael Dukasis' heart rate actually jumps to over 10 beats per minute
	In a surprise twist, delegates nominate Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton, President and Vice-President