Shoveling it to the public

Gomy Dinkman: Virtual Living

It's summer time in America and for millions of normal people like yours truly, that means beating the heat, staying indoors and playing video games. But there are those nutcases who actually go outside and play sports in the summertime. There are also many professional sports that take place during the summertime like golf, tennis and baseball. Well, in my humble opinion, there's no better way at becoming proficient at a sport and building up your skills than by playing Dittmeier's new ProSport video game series. You can play all those summertime sports plus the winter sports like football, hockey and basketball. But I'm a hip guy. When it's summertime I'll stick with summer sports. Therefore, I loaded up on munchies and Mountain Dew and settled in for a long week of getting in shape.

My first game was TennisAce. This game has all the features that'll make you a pro in no time. You can vary the speed and trajectory of your serves by how you guide the joystick. It didn't take me long before I was smoking 120 mph heaters past my hapless opponents. My timing on my forehand was impeccable. Most tennis player's weakness is their backhand. But I had no problem. My shots looked like beebees shooting past my sprawling foes.

TennisAce allows you to play against top tennis players of today like Andy Roddick, Patrick Rafter and Andre Agassi. You can also play against the top women like the Williams sisters, Jennifer Capriati and Martina Hingis. Although she stinks, Anna Kournikova is included for obvious reasons. The great thing about playing against the women is the realistic graphics. You can see the women's boobs bouncing around as they go running around the court. On some shots, you even get a panty shot. As a stud, I really appreciated the attention to detail. I have to say that almost distracted me enough to lose. But I managed to eke out a victory on Anna. The sound is also top notch. You can hear the women grunt as they served and that's always a turn on. The only thing that would have made this game better was if you got to score with the chicks after you win a match. Just a future suggestion, Dittmeier.

Before the week was out, I was dominating my opponents like Bobby Riggs used to. My serve and volley game was awesome! My timing was so good, I think I could hold my own pretty nicely on the pro tour. I have no doubt my joystick skills would translate into a killer serve and a jaw dropping forehand. Then I'd no doubt catch Brooke Shields attention. She's old but she's still hot and let me tell you, I stroke better than Andre.

Next on the Dittmeier parade of champions came GolfingEagle. Now golf isn't my favorite sport but this game was fun, in a boring kind of way. You get to play top golf courses from around the world. It didn't take me long before I was getting so many birdies you'd think I was an ornithologist. I mean I don't know why people go ga-ga over Tiger Woods. I mean this sport is so easy! All I did was adjust my release on the joystick and I usually hit the ball at least 300 yards. My putting was devastating. The software provides stats on which way the green runs and you do the rest with the joystick.

By the end of the week, I was getting birdies on almost every hole. Occasionally, I'd get an eagle. I even got a hole-in-one on the 16th at Augusta. I broke the course record at St. Andrews. I have no doubt that I would give Tiger Woods a run for his money. I wonder how you sign up for the professional tour. Even though I've never swung a club in my life, I'm pretty sure it's a lot like moving the joystick. Who knows? Maybe I'll be wearing the green Masters jacket next year. Phil Mickel-who!

Finally, I played BaseballFever, Dittmeier's bestseller. I could see why. It had everything! I'm kind of a stats junkie and BaseballFever keeps track of all kinds of facts and figures: everything from ERA to how a player hits fastballs and curves. You basically pick the team you want and then you can either bat or pitch as an existing major leaguer or create your own profile and insert yourself on the team. I picked to play on the Yankees, since they are the best team in baseball. Then I created a profile for Gomy 'Slugger' Dinkman, new centerfielder for the Yankees. Take a seat on the bench Bernie Williams!

My first game I only went 1 for 4. Then I caught fire. I shelled Schilling. I roasted Kenny Rogers. I irritated Colon. Doubles, triples, home runs: my slugging percentage went through the roof! It's all in the timing. Right before the pitcher pitches, you bring up the stat board on the pitches he throws and you can get a pretty good idea on what pitch is coming. Then with a flick of the joystick, BAM, you got a base hit. I picked up other cues after a while. Mark Mulder tipped his curveballs and he paid the price. I even mastered hitting Tim Wakefield's 'flutter ball'. It took a few at-bats. I admit I even struck out once. But the next time, I parked the ball over the Green Monster for a three-run tater. Take that Johnny Damon and company!

I also enjoyed that the software allows you to suspend logic and let you pitch as well, despite being a center fielder and all. Let me tell ya something, Pedro Martinez has nothing on the Gomster. I was mowing 'em down like a howitzer. I even chose to play some inter-league games so I could face the mighty sluggers in the National League. Ho-hum. I made most of them look silly. Honestly, I don't know why people think Barry Bonds is so great. I struck him out on three pitches. It's all in how you guide the joystick. You give it a flick to the left or right and the ball will dip a few inches which results in a killer split finger fastball or monster curveball. I will admit, I was humbled by Sammy Sosa and Ken Griffey Jr, but I learned my lesson. You just don't hang curveballs to these guys.

By the end of the week, I was leading the league in almost every offensive category and my pitching stats were stellar as well. My ERA was reminiscent of Koufax or Gibson. I did so well I'm honestly thinking of trying out at one of the Cactus Leagues team next spring. I'm confident that my joystick handling skills would translate well into bat handling skills. It's all in the timing. I'm sure one of the teams could use a hot, studly hitter like me. I'm sure I could make it as a pitcher as well. My vast array of pitches would baffle any hitter, including Mr. Bonds. Learning pitching mechanics should be pretty easy. After the season the Mariners or D-backs are having, I don't think I'll have any problems making their squads next season. I can see it now: the new one-two punch for the Diamondbacks, Johnson and Dinkman. Has a nice ring to it.

So that's it for sports. I think it's safe to say I may have a new career by springtime next year. I hope Dex Rexter won't be too mad with me leaving to play in the majors. All I have to say is look out Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and Vlad Guerrero. Here comes 'Slugger' Dinkman!