Bush Insists There Are No Gorillas In Iraq

President Bush reiterated in a press conference today his contention that there are no gorillas fighting U.S. forces in Iraq.

"Look people," said an irritated Bush. "There are absolutely no gorillas fighting in Iraq. As far as I know, gorillas only live in Africa; I believe in Argentina."

Fred Nyland, from Newsblog then attempted to correct the President saying, "I believe we're talking about guerillas, you know, g-u-e-r-i-l-l-a." To which the President replied, "Oh you mean French monkeys. The answer's the same, people. There are no apes of any kind in Iraq . Especially French! Now I know we all loved Planet of the Apes, and would love to see that kind of thing in real life but this isn't a movie, folks. There are no gorillas or 'guerillas' as you say, or chimpanzees or organ...oragan...red monkeys fighting our soldiers."

Bush added, "Of course if there were apes fighting over there, we'd just have to send ol' Chuck Heston over there and he'd kick their banana eatin' butts back to Argentina. Or as he put it 'Get your hands off my dirty ape.'" He then chuckled to himself repeatedly for several minutes in front of a gawking press corps.

Press Secretary Scott McClellan then intervened and concluded the press conference. "You'll have to excuse the President. It's past his nap time." Bush was then whisked away to his bedroom.

Local Man Fancies Himself As The Next Simon Cowell

Joel Crumbly, account manager at Cactus Blossom Interior Design has mentioned to several of his co-workers that he fancies himself as the next Simon Cowell, the outrageously rude talent judge on Fox's American Idol.

"I've got the same thing he's got," said Joel, stroking his goatee. "I've got personality, chutzpah, and a desire to tell the truth no matter how ugly it may be. I tell it like it is. I'm in your face. Take no prisoners. That's the kind of attitude you have to have in this world today.""

His co-workers seem to disagree with his self assessment. Clerk Mary Tweening said, "He's a fucking jerk! I come into work the other day and while I'm getting my morning cup of coffee, he comes up to me and out of the blue says, 'You look like shit! Forget to sleep last night! Or were you out whoring it up all night with your girlfriends!' Then he just saunters away back to his desk. I was paranoid and cranky the rest of the day."

Designer Todd Martinsen concurred. "The guy's just asking for it. I mean I worked hard on the design for Lawson's new office wing. At the presentation meeting, he gets up and says, 'That's awful! That might work as an office for chimps, but not for a thinking human being. Why were you hired again?' I mean I worked my guts out on the presentation and he sits there and verbally kicks me in the crotch. I was mortified. We're on the same team for Christ's sake. You're supposed to give constructive criticism."

Crumbley dismissed suggestions of co-workers displeasure. "They might grumble and grouse but they like my input. They value it. It's tough love."

"I think I'll tough love the tires of his Benz with my machete after work Friday," grumbled Martinsen.

GM Announces New Guzzlenaut 2004 Super SUV

In response to tax incentives offered by the Bush Administration for purchasing SUVs, GM announced that they will now be building a new super SUV called the Guzzlenaut.

GM spokesperson, T. Criswell Wainwright IV, said, "These vehicles are what America wants. They're twice the size of Hummers. They can seat an entire soccer team comfortably. They tower 12 feet above the ground so people can see over traffic. You've got over 500 horsepower cranking from a muscular V8 engine. And these babies absolutely rock off-roading!"

Sierra Club spokesperson Lyndsey Maynard questioned the production of the new SUV. "This vehicle is absolutely irresponsible. It gets five miles to the gallon! Oil is a finite resource and not only that, we are becoming more and more dependent on foreign oil. Reality dictates that we develop a cleaner, efficient vehicle that isn't dependent on oil."

Wainwright IV responded by saying, "Americans aren't interested in reality. Americans do everything big. We eat big, drink big and buy big. Big! Big! Big! I don't think a little 'efficient' pussy mobile like the Prius is going to cut the mustard with American appetites."

Wainwright IV added, "Besides, thanks to President Bush, we've got all that oil in Iraq to use up. So buy the Guzzlenaut and filler up, America. We'll make more."

To compete with the Guzzlenaut, Ford and Chrysler have announced new Super SUVs as well. Ford will produce the Smogzilla Deluxe and Chrysler will build The Pollutinator.

Cardinals Prepare Excuse List For Coming Season

As the football season is fast approaching, it's time once again for the Arizona Cardinals to prepare its list of excuses for the coming season. Beulah Snodgrass crashed the Cardinals locker room to get this scoop.

	We'd like to win but we need our multi-million dollar stadium to do so.
	The opponents keep making scary faces.
	We can't seem to play well if people are watching us.
	We are grossly underpaid.
	We keep getting distracted by our hot cheerleaders.
	We keep getting distracted by Bill Bidwell's flamboyant bow ties.
	We keep getting distracted by those two scoops of raisins.
	Beulah Snodgrass keeps crashing the men's locker room.
	Let's face it; we suck.