Middle East Explodes In Violence; Evangelicals Salivate

The Middle East erupted in violence last week as Israel and Hezbollah guerrillas exchanged rocket fire as thousands of innocent Lebanese civilians are caught in the middle of the escalating conflict. This was cause for celebration as many evangelical Christians proclaimed that the Apocalypse was beginning and the rapture soon would be on the way.

“Oh, what a glorious time to be alive,” said Reverend Enos Lumpkin of the Rapture Revival Church in Chuff, Oklahoma. “Yes, all the Biblical prophesies are coming true. The conflict between Israel and its hateful neighbors points to the rapture happening very very soon possibly within the next couple of days. Aren’t we lucky to be alive at the end of the world, so we will soon be dead?”

Televangelist Rupert Schwankee said, “You see the Bible was right! It says right here that we’re entering the 70th week of Daniel in the pre-tribulation age. It also says in Hezekiah 4:12-15. ‘Yeah, when the willow is destroyed by the storm, changes will occur.’ Don’t you see, the willow is Lebanon and the storm is the war and the changes will be the rapture. It’s as plain as the nose on your face, my sheeple...my people. Believers will soon be magically transported into heaven on a golden chariot with our driver Jesus, whilst non-believers will be stuck here on earth in eternal toil cleaning up the messes caused by the war. Believe in the rapture and you’ll avoid a lot of work my friends.”

Rapture scholar, Davis Ruttiger, said “This has all the markings of the events that mark the beginning of the end.” Ruttiger paused and wiped drool from his mouth with a handkerchief. “It’s clear to me that war erupting between Hezbollah and Israel is a fulfillment of the prophecy in Isaiah 17 which says, ‘See, Damascus will no longer be a city but will become a heap of ruins. The cities of Aroer will be deserted and left to flocks, which will lie down, with no one to make them afraid.’ Oh sure it could be referring to the time Damascus was destroyed in 732 B.C. but it’s not since Damascus is still around. If you listen you can almost hear the footsteps of the Messiah coming.” Ruttiger then wiped some more drool from his quivering lips.

Many people are quite concerned that President Bush had done nothing to try and stop the conflict and many believe he may letting things escalate so that World War III will start and bring about an even more disasterous conflict in the region. Harrison Gilmore, a Middle East expert from Worthington University said, “Some conservatives are almost giddy about the events occurring right now. I mean Newt Gingrich has even gone as far as saying that World War III has started. In all previous conflicts between Arab countries and Israel the United States has sent an envoy over to try and obtain a cease fire. But other than sending Condi Rice a few days ago, Bush has done nothing. It’s like they want another war to erupt.”

Skeptic Jarrod Meyers said, “This is unbelievable! Look at all the times in the twentieth century where people have said the end of the world is nigh and we’re still here people. For instance, Pastor John Hinkle predicted the rapture to occur on June 9th, 1994. Wrong! Even Rapture scholars can’t agree: will there be a pre-tribulation rapture or a post- tribulation rapture or maybe even a pre-wrath rapture or a secret rapture. And all of it based on documents written two thousand years ago by authors who were probably drunk or high. People get a grip!”

Not surprisingly, President Bush defended his moves. “Now’s not the time to go all half cocked and getting ourselves into a situation we can’t get out of. As you all know, I would never ever do that. I’m doing something called diplomacy people. It’s what civilized countries do to avoid war.”

Many believers in the Rapture were preparing themselves for the end. Jim Coddington of Dinkton, South Dakota, said, “I’m selling off everything: my house, my car, my kids. Yep I figure I’ll just sit out on the curb and wait until Jesus slurps me up into heaven with him.”

Tom Washington of Ferris, Illinois said, “At first I was skeptical. I mean how are believers transferred in an instant no less into heaven? What if you sort of believe but aren’t sure? Are you zapped somewhere else? Then I learned to secret to being Rapture ready: just don’t think! I’m much happier now letting my pastor telling me what to think.”

Margaret Dreesen of Festus Holler, South Carolina, said, “My husband thinks I’m nuts for believing in the Rapture. But he’ll be sorry when I’m up in heaven getting it on with Jesus and he’s still on Earth toiling in Satan’s salt mines. Oh! I think I just had my first orgasm. Thank you, Jesus!”

Katie Couric Offers Deeper, Perkier CBS News

Katie Couric held a press conference last week for the first time since being named the new news anchor on the CBS Evening News. She offered insights on how she planned to improve the broadcast by making it deeper, more relevant and livelier.

"I’ve gotten the distinct sense that people want us to go a little deeper," she said. "They want news that is more relevant to their lives delivered in a pleasing, dare I say perky, manner. Who says the Middle East crisis has to be depressing? Not me!" She then crossed her legs and giddily smiled for the cameras.

CBS President and CEO Les Moonves said there will be many changes to the show including the set. “We’re going to have a more personable friendly set,” said Moonves. “We’ll have Katie sitting in a nice modern chair, maybe from Ikea, where she can show off her sexy gams...er...legs. Did you know there were actually people who watched the Today Show just to see her legs? Man are they something! Ruff, ruff! Hubba, hubba! Whoa, I’m getting horny just thinking about it. I’ve got to find my wife Julie Chen and quick.”

Couric elaborated about the structure of the show. “People are very interested in the news, but it can be very depressing these days. That’s why for five minutes each show, I’m going to have a ‘Celebrity Round-up’ segment which will acquaint people with the celebrity being featured that day. I mean people love celebrities, am I right? I also plan to have a regular feature called ‘Shoe Betcha’ where I talk about the latest styles of shoes and model them for the viewers...well... mostly for myself. We’ll also have a ticker running across the bottom of the screen which will tell viewers where they can buy the clothes I’m wearing on that night’s broadcast and how much they cost. Isn’t that fun?!”

Makeover artist, Fantasticus, who was responsible for Couric’s makeover in the late 90’s from tomboy to sex kitten, was extremely enthusiastic about the upcoming show. “Oh my God! This is just a dream come true! What a great showcase for Katie! She is going to make Oprah look like dog puke!”

When asked what she was going to wear on her first newscast on Sept. 5, she quipped, "I'll have to ask Fanstasticus about that, but I think I’ll be wearing a nice little sassy Versace dress which shows off plenty of leg and some high heeled Manolo Blahnik pumps. Any way you slice it, I’m going to be hotter than the summer weather." She then crossed her legs and giddily smiled for the cameras.

When asked to comment on Katie Couric’s ascension into the CBS News Anchor seat, former anchor Dan Rather said stoically, “I’m not bitter and I’m not jealous. I just can’t believe they let me go the way they did. If they wanted me to sex it up a bit I would have. I can wear those sexy dresses just as well as she can. And look… I can be perky.” Rather then crossed his legs and giddily grimaced for the cameras.

Unruly Urchins Delight Restaurant Patrons

Most of the patrons at the Bucky’s Burgers at the Blue Cactus Shopping Center were absolutely delighted by the antics of Layla Cooper’s six rowdy and rambunctious children last Monday evening. Cooper and her urchins invaded the fast food chain at around 6:00pm and stayed for a full hour charming the customers.

Cashier Danica Drew said, “When Layla came in with her children, the place just livened up immediately. Those kids were running around the dining room, yelling, pushing and punching each other, pulling each other’s hair. They weren’t shy either. They’d run right up to people and scream at ‘em. It was so amusing watching those little scamps. Then once their food was ordered, they had a good old fashioned food fight right there in the dining room. They threw everything; fries, hamburgers, drinks. We’re still trying to get those shake and root beer stains out of the carpet. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do right?”

“I’m telling you,” commented senior citizen Dean Halston. “Those little whippersnappers were delightful. Take that little brown haired boy with the runny nose. I was eating my burger when he comes up and yells in my ear. My hearing aid started whining and I dropped my burger on the floor. Then the little dickens used my shirt sleeve as his Kleenex and wiped his nose all over it. That ragamuffin sure got me good. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?”

Gert Metzger said, “There I was eating my meal talking to my friend Hazel, when this delightful little angel with curly yellow locks comes up to our table and takes a handful of my fries and stuffs them into her mouth. Well, Hazel and I were kind of shocked that she would do that: I mean she didn’t know us. She just walked right up and grabbed the fries. But we completely lost whatever ire we had when she puffed up her cheeks and spit up the fries all over the rest of our food. She looked like a big zit; it was so precious! Besides, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right?”

Al Stanley said “Well I was sitting on the toilet, when all of a sudden I hear all these footsteps. It sounded like a herd of buffalo. Then one of those delightful little sprites kicked open the door and much to my delight all six kids were standing there watching me take a dump and laughing. Then they left the stall door open and went screaming out of the rest room leaving the rest room door open to boot. I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun. But hey, kids will be kids. What are you going to do, right? I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, those little %$^%&#@*((*&&*!*(**@&$.”

However, not all of the people at Bucky’s were enchanted by the Cooper horde. Mechanic Lyle Carr said, “You know, after a tough day of fixing cars, I like to come into Bucky’s and unwind with a BBQ burger, fries and a vanilla shake and read my issue of Cosmo. I was sitting there peacefully reading an article about accessorizing when these kids come traipsing in screaming bloody murder like they own the joint. I couldn’t concentrate. Then this red haired girl, who’s got freckles all over the place runs over to me and stares at me. Heh-heh. She kinda looked like Wendy, you know, so I said she was in the wrong restaurant. Then she kicks me in the shin. Geez, that hurt like hell. What ever happened to disciplining your child? In my day, if I acted like that, my dad woulda kicked my friggin’ ass. Of course, if you spank your kid in public these days, you get Child Protective Services on your ass for child abuse. Boy I found that out the hard way.”

Cooper said that she has tried to discipline her kids, but she claims it doesn’t work and that people usually enjoy their antics. “I’ve tried to make ‘em mind, but they just got minds of their own,” said Cooper as she took a drag on her cigarette. “And each of the kid’s fathers ain’t around anymore. Why my last boyfriend ain’t even seen little Chance. That’s him over there, tipping over the trash can. He’s strong for a two year old ain’t he? My current boyfriend and I are trying to have a kid. He’s got a good job, too. He’s a stock boy over at Juggermart. He’s really good to the kids, too, although I’ve seen him letting A.J. have some of his beer. A.J.’s only nine, you know. Angela! Put mama’s cigarettes down honey pie. You’re not supposed to smoke until high school. Besides, most people seem to love my kids. They’re not bad or mischievious. They’re just spirited and energetic. And we like it here at Bucky’s. We’ll probably come back here next Monday.”

Cashier Drew, upon hearing of Cooper’s upcoming visit, immediately requested the following Monday off.

Top Ways To Keep Cool This Summer

It’s the end of July and let’s face it folks: it’s blazin’ hot everywhere! From the forests of Maine to the southwest deserts, it’s hell on earth. Now the BilgeBucket staff is used to hot weather; I mean after all, we live a desert where temperatures routinely climb above 100 degrees. But many parts of the Midwest are also experiencing temperatures above the century mark. Throw in the classic Midwest humidity and it’s a recipe for feeling down right miserable. Well the BilgeBucket is here to help! Our fearless staff has come up with some of the top ways to keep cool as the summer grinds on and on and on and on...

	Live inside your refrigerator
	Dream of frolicking in the Antarctic with the Emperor penguins and the leopard seals
	Buy some slaves to fan you whilst you eat your grapes and sip your wine
	Be like the mighty scorpion and become nocturnal
	Plant yourself next to the air conditioner unit and don’t move
	Regress, sprout gills and live in the water
	Sit on a giant block of ice (also good for reviving the ol’ sperm count)
	Visit Alaska (Whoops! Thanks to global warming, it’s warm there, too)
	Do like the Bundys and hang out in the supermarket frozen food section
	Do everything in your birthday suit
	Soak your head in a bucket of ice water
	Watch videos of the Winter Olympics
	Mind over matter: Just keep repeating to yourself “it’s freezing cold, it’s freezing cold” as you slowly broil your ass off
	Hook the hose up to your mouth and sit on the toilet until the end of the summer
	Just die; its much cooler underground