Cheney Declares Self New Government Branch: The Dick Branch

Vice President Dick Cheney declared last week that he is not a member of the Executive Branch nor is he a member of the Legislative Branch. Instead he declared that he is his own branch: the Dick Branch of the Federal Government and the other three branches of government now must report to him.

The Vice President emerged from his undisclosed underground lair and addressed his lackeys from Fox News. “Since I’m the biggest Dick in this country, it’s natural that I should have my own branch of government. Therefore the Fourth branch; the Dick Branch is also separate from the other branches. I’m like the CEO of America and the Legislative Branch, Judicial Branch and Executive Branch all report to me. I’ve conveniently updated the Constitution to reflect this new, more efficient power structure and I’ve made up a really awesome graphic which illustrates. It eliminates all that messy checks and balances hoohah which cost taxpayers millions of dollars. The great thing about this reorg is that I will stay in my post of Dick until I deem it necessary to step down. So if you stupid Democraps think you’re going to get rid of me just by winning the next election, think again.”

President Bush expressed support for the new branch of government. “Let this be a lesson to all you people who are second guessing me and the war in Iraq. We all answer to a higher power now and I’m not talking about the Big Guy upstairs, who as we all know, favors me a lot. Actually, when you come to think of it, the Big Guy is just about as powerful as Uncle Dick. Heh-heh.”

Republicans of all stripes approved the move by Cheney. Trent Lott, Senator from Mississippi said, “If I know Americans and I think I do, there’s nothing they love more than a top secret branch of government working without checks or balances on issues that are none of our goddamn business. Yes, Americans will love this or else!”

Independent Senator from Connecticut, Joe Lieberman also expressed support for Cheney. “Ohhhh, I’m so excited,” exclaimed Lieberman. “I’m placing aside all partisanship here when I say this is the best possible thing for this country at this time. The American people need one person, whom everybody trusts, making the important decisions, because the American people are wonderful, but they’re stupid. Besides, I know I’ve had my differences with Vice President Cheney in the past, but I love Dick. There I’ve said it. I love Dick!”

Americans were mostly shocked by Cheney’s blatant power grab. Mark Devlin of Springer, New York said, “I don’t want to sound unpatriotic, but doesn’t this move essentially make him the dictator, no pun intended. I mean he’s basically taking…” Devlin was then interrupted by Homeland Security agents, gagged and chloroformed and dragged off to some unknown location.

Len Reavis of Franklin, Indiana said, “I really don’t think the vice president can do this. The Founding Fathers wisely established a system of checks and balances to protect against abuse of power and it seems like Vice President Cheney is drunk with power. I think Congress needs to…” Reavis was then interrupted by Homeland Security agents, gagged and chloroformed and dragged off to some unknown location.

Tad Linebrink of Southampton, North Carolina said as he looked around nervously, “Ummm…I think that…ummm…this is the best idea in the history of the world. All hail Dick Cheney, the Dick of the United States.”

Immigration Bill Defeated; Bush Kinda Miffed, But Not Really

Recently, the bipartisan compromise immigration bill sponsored President Bush went down to defeat following a 53-46 vote in the U.S. Senate to allow the bill to come to a vote which effectively killed it for the remainder of Bush’s term. The bill proposed to create a temporary "guest worker" program for foreigners seeking employment in the United States, which would provide a pathway to legal status for millions of illegal immigrants in America, while strengthening U.S. borders. President Bush expressed disappointment that the bill did not get passed.

“Well, yes I am disappointed,” said President Bush during his press conference. “Here I am, bending over backwards across the aisle like I always do to the Democrats, trying to workout a solution to the immigration problem and how do they thank me. Those pussies can’t even pass this piece of legislation. Boy, if you ask me, they are an utter failure and believe me I know a failure when I see one.” Bush then winked over to his political strategist, Karl Rove, who was standing in the back of the press room.

Bush then continued. “Legal immigration is one of the ‘top priorities’ of the American people and they understand that the ‘status quo’ is unacceptable when it comes to our immigration laws. Of course, ‘status quo’ is acceptable when it comes to the Iraq war, energy independence, health care reform and environmental protection. We don’t want to rock the boat in these areas.”

Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts, who sponsored the bill, said, “Well that’s what we get for letting President Bush champion this bill. It’s the kiss of death. It’s like getting Donald Trump to speak at a meeting of the Rosie O’Donnell fan club. When will we Democrats ever learn?”

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada said, “Although we lost this battle, I feel that we Democrats are making a difference. Why just look at our fantabulous all night ‘slumber party’ session to debate the Iraq war, which resulted in the Senate voting against an Iraqi withdrawal. Why at this rate, our spines will disappear by Christmas and President Bush will be free to lie, cheat and plunder the United States into an even deeper hole. I’m truly looking forward to more capitulating in the future.”

Americans had mixed feelings about the immigration bill defeat. Lars McElroy of Jackson Turnpike, Kentucky said, “I’m glad this bill got defeated. It was nothing more than amnesty. Amnesty, amnesty, amnesty. Have I mentioned I think it was amnesty?”

Dramatic acting student Darius Miles of New York, New York, said, “I’m utterly crestfallen. Alas, what are those poor young immigrants supposed to do now? Woe be the young man or woman who comes to this country yearning to be free, hoping for a better life, and instead face a wall of intolerance and xenophobia. Take heed, the time will come, maybe in the not too distant future, when we too will be searching for a new place to call home. Wouldn’t we want to be welcomed with open arms to the heaving bosoms of our new homeland? Yay, I think that we would.” Miles then bowed and acknowledged the applause from passersby by blowing air kisses and pointing to certain people in the crowd.

Molly Taylor of Jasper Falls, Montana said, “I really thought the bill was going to make it. I mean with George Bush supporting it, what could go wrong, right?”

When asked later how he really felt about the defeat of illegal immigration, President Bush opened up. “Oh I don’t care about that crap. I’m outta here in another 16 months or so. That whole thing was just a ploy by Turd Blossom to lure Democrats in and then blame them for when everything goes wrong. We’re doing the exact same thing with the Iraq War. I tell you what, that boy’s a genius. Nope me and my Transformer action figure will be sleeping real nice like tonight, I assure you.”

Employee Finds Dinner With Boss Disappointing

Terry McCoy, an employee at DensonCorp, recently was invited to dinner by his boss, Byron Hart. However, McCoy was extremely disappointed when he found out that instead of being treated to a fancy dinner at a restaurant, he was served a homemade meal at Hart’s house.

“I’m completely bummed,” lamented McCoy. “I mean when the boss invites you out to dinner, you have visions of steaks, lobsters and fine wine, dancing in your head. Instead Byron invited me over to his partially furnished condo. He popped a couple of Budget Gourmet Pepper Steak dinners in the microwave and we had some Coors Light while we sat on crates in his living room watching a DVD of the first season of Saved by the Bell on his little twelve inch TV. After I choked down the pepper steak and rice, he breaks out a gallon of vanilla ice cream and we watch Deuce Bigalow. I just thought my employers would be a little more appreciative of my efforts.”

Co-worker Steve Kennedy commented on McCoy’s dinner. “Terry’s lucky, man. To show his gratitude for my work on the Henderson account, Hart took me out for lunch and bought me a Big Mac, fries and a shake. Oh, I almost forgot. He did buy me a Hamburglar action figure which I display proudly on my desk to remind myself of what a cheap ass company this is.”

Hart defended the dinner. “Listen, I’m just a little fiscally conservative that’s all. I didn’t get to where I am today buy spending money on extravagant things like furniture, television or food. Terry’s is a very lucky person to have gotten what he got. I just don’t break out the Deuce Bigalow DVD for just anyone, you know.”

When Hart’s supervising boss heard about the dinner, he expressed astonishment. Burt Worley said, “Pepper steak?! Come on! I serve my guests chili-macaroni! That Hart is never going to make it into the upper echelon of DensonCorp by spending so much on…employees. How often do I have say it people; the money goes to the executives not the grunts. That’s the American way!”

The Seven Wonders of Cactus Corners, Arizona

An online contest recently named a new list of the Seven Wonders of the World, despite objections from organizations like UNESCO and countries like Egypt, whose Pyramids of Giza were left off the list. Well, we hear in Cactus Corners feel that we were also slighted in the vote as well. We have several swell attractions in our fair burg worthy of inclusion on the list. In an effort to educate the world on the awe-inspiring splendors that make Cactus Corners such a miserable hell hole, America’s trendiest suburb, here is a list of the Seven Wonders of Cactus Corners.

	Delores Romanowski’s Five Story Compost Heap
	The Hubcap Dinosaur Statue at Prospector Pete’s Gold Mine Ride & Fun-o-torium
	Raul’s Sex Emporium’s Tower which looks like a giant penis
	The Mechanical Gila Monster on the ninth hole at J.J.’s Putt-o-rama
	The flock of pink flamingo lawn ornaments at Cactus Trailer Park Supplies
	The melted Popsicle stain of Jesus in front of the Dairy Fairy on Prickly Pear & Ranch
	The melted Popsicle stain of Elvis next to the melted Popsicle stain of Jesus in front of the Dairy Fairy on Prickly Pear & Ranch