Ashcroft Rewrites Constitution: Now Called 'Commandstitution'

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced at a press conference this week that he and key members of the Bush administration have completed rewriting a new and improved Constitution of the United States called the 'Commandstitution'. Ashcroft, dressed in simple robes and sporting a scraggily gray beard, approached the podium carrying two tablets of etched stone.

"Hear me O citizens of the United States," said Ashcroft. "I come to you carrying the new United States 'Commandstitution'. Myself, Dick Cheney, President Bush and a secret moral task force have spent weeks convening in private and conversing with God in tongues, creating this new covenant. These laws come from God and are not open for dispute. After all, President Bush and I are tight with God. We're on a first name basis you know. If you disobey these new laws, you'll not only be detained at Guantanomo Bay for torture, but you'll also be damned to eternal misery in hell. Yes O citizens. We've put the fear back in God-fearing!"

Ashcroft then proceeded to read the laws of the new 'Commandstitution':

	The term of the President will be expanded to twenty years starting now. Therefore the next election will be in 2020. Nuts to you, John 'Osama' Kerry!
	From now on every American will be Republican. If a person doesn't want to be Republican, they will be drafted into the army and sent to whatever war the administration is waging at the time.
	Citizens will never ever question the President, the Vice President, or Attorney General on any matters under penalty of being forced to watch The Simple Life. Oh, and eternal damnation.
	Citizens may only watch the 'fair and balanced' reporting of Fox News. No critical thinking will be allowed. Remember: It's good to be a sheep.
	Cussing will not be allowed...except by Dick Cheney.
	Carousing with women will not be allowed...except by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
	Drugs will not be abused...except by Rush Limbaugh.
	Citizens may only listen to music sung by John Ashcroft. And absolutely no dancing.
	Women must now wear ankle length dresses and appropriate head coverings, preferably bonnets. Burqas may also be substituted. Women will be allowed to go to school, but then must give up their career pursuits when their husbands decide to have many Christian children.
	Prayer and abstinence are the only forms of birth control allowed.
	Blacks and Hispanics may vote only if they speak English and make more than $100,000 a year.
	A man can only be married to a woman and a woman can only be married to a man. People who want to marry somebody of the same sex are worse than Hitler and will be punished by being forced to watch The Simple Life. Oh, and eternal damnation.
	The environment and wildlife exists for man's exploitation. Kill and drill until it's all gone. We've got to use it all up before Armageddon.
	A new war will be declared each year until everyone in the world is converted to Christianity. When a new war is declared, all people who aren't children of Congressman shall register for the draft. Blacks and Hispanics should enlist right away.

Ashcroft closed the press conference by singing a gut wrenching rendition of Onward Christian Soldiers.

Mike Ditka Declines Run For Senate

"Iron" Mike Ditka, the man who coached the Chicago Bears to a Super Bowl victory in 1985, declined a possible run for the Illinois Senate against strong Democratic candidate, Barack Obama. Many felt that he would have been the perfect choice to run for the Senate seat being vacated by Peter Fitzgerald.

GOP canvasser Milt Monroe said, "It would have been so cool to have another celebrity like Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger go into politics. He would have done a magnificent job. But then of course, only Republican celebrities are capable of doing well in politics."

Sports fan Mike Lavowski said, "Iron Mike, Da Senator! He'd been da man! He coulda run the Senate like he did da Bears. No nonsense! He woulda kicked that wimpy Tom Da-schle all the way back to South Da-kota dat's for sure."

Housewife Carol Swidmore lamented, "Mike Ditka would have provided a tranquil demeanor to a divided, hot-tempered Senate. I guess we'll just have to rely on the calm, cool wits of Dick Cheney."

Ditka won't be idle. He'll continue his various sportscasting jobs and when asked if he would maintain his duties as impotency spokesman for Levitra, Ditka said, "Yeah. I'll keep it up."

Restaurant Sponsors Actors At Local Theater

In a controversial and strange move, restaurant chain Lenny's is now sponsoring actors at the Cactus Corners theater, A Little Off Broadway. The theater, like other small theaters in the Valley, has been strapped for cash and has asked for help from local business establishments. Lenny's manager Tim Stairs, a theater aficionado, saw a marketing opportunity and decided to take action.

"Basically it works like this," explained Stairs. "The actors performing in the play, change their last name to one of our popular menu items. We get free advertisement and the theater gets money for productions. The proof is in the pudding. Since our restaurant is just a few blocks away, we've been getting tons of after play traffic. It's a win-win for everyone. I am such a genius!"

However, the actors don't seem to like the arrangement. "This sucks!" said Bill Peterson. "My fans know me as Bill Peterson. I've done three local commercials. I was Mr. Flushy Bowl for Christ's sake. Now, while I'm acting at this theater, I'm Bill 'Slam Bang Breakfast'. How humiliating!"

Susana Franco agrees. "I've been doing theater for twenty years. I've built a solid reputation with my name. When I walk on stage, people expect a quality performance from a dynamic, multi-faceted performer. Now I'm known as Susana 'El Rancherito Skillet Dinner'. Why, after our performance last Saturday night, one patron came up to me and said he wanted to eat me. Under any other circumstance, I would have been flattered. But this goes too far."

Theater director, Lance Darrin, said he had no choice but to agree to the deal. "It's all about the money. If I didn't do this, our production of Scottsdale Confidential, would never have taken place. Besides, Susana should be glad she's even in this production. After her performance in 60 Minutes: The Musical, she's lucky she's not working at Lenny's as a waitress. What a bitch!"

Patrons don't seem to mind the obvious marketing ploy. "I thought it was weird at first," said Bob Staskewicz. "But I was sitting there watching the play and Stewart 'Salisbury Steak Supremo' walked into the scene and gol darn it if I didn't start getting a hankering for Salisbury steak. The Mrs. started drooling when Heather 'Taco Salad Fantastico' came on stage. I don't need to tell you, after the play, we made a bee-line for Lenny's."

Top Ways To Get Through An Episode of Doc

Doc is a television show on PAX about a country doctor from Montana who moves to the Big Apple to practice medicine at a big city clinic: the classic fish out of water scenario. The show, starring country singer Billy Ray Cyrus as the country doctor, Doc Cassidy, has been a staple on PAX for the last couple of years. The BilgeBucket staff was curious enough about its longevity to watch, or try to watch, a full episode. Some of us didn't make it. Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer fell asleep during the opening credits. Chester Einstein became nauseated and had to leave. And Gomy Dinkman being Gomy Dinkman, became bored and snuck out to play some video games. The survivors came up with some helpful hints to help a viewer make it through a full hour of this 'wholesome', family snooze-fest.

	Two words: Jack Daniels
	Watch the show while eating a dish of possum and grits
	Play Achy Breaky Heart in the background
	Pry eyelids open with toothpicks
	Before the show, invite Rush Limbaugh over and load up on Oxycontin
	Pretend Billy Ray Cyrus is a decent actor
	Hit head repeatedly with a mallet
	Imagine Nurse Nancy Nichol (Andrea Robinson) wearing a skimpy latex nurses costume with six inch stiletto heels
	Dress up like Doc - don't forget the convincing stethoscope around your neck
	Just skip it and do something more enjoyable like sticking needles in your eyes
	Take cyanide tablets
	Make believe you're watching a good medical drama like ER
	After Doc delivers a folksy line - slap your knee and guffaw loudly
	Distract yourself from the horror by tearing the skin off your face