Shoveling it to the public

Beulah Snodgrass: Life In The Fast Lane

It's summer here in Cactus Corners and the temps are climbing into the hundred teens. Since we moved our offices to the Cactus Horizons strip mall last month, Dex decided to give us all some time off. He didn't have to tell me twice. I vamoosed out of town quicker than Paul Bremer out of Iraq. My destination: the Madonna tour in Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada. I just love this woman! Not only is she one sexy babe, she is constantly reinventing herself: first she was a virgin teaser; then she was a dominatrix, then she morphed into a new age diva. Plus that tongue kiss with Britney Spears almost gave me heart failure! I tried to get Shirley Ray Bodine to come with me, but she had a date all lined up with a member of the Hell's Fairies motorcycle gang and she just couldn't disappoint him. I didn't want to go alone, so I managed to drag my neighbor at Cactus Gallows Retirement Home, Elmer Scoggins, along.

Elmer Scoggins is about my age but he acts like he's a centenarian. Let's just say his pistons just aren't pumping like they used to. He's got that comb over going for him and his coke-bottle glasses make him look like an owl. But he does play a mean game of shuffleboard. He's also got a loaded Cadillac and that's good enough for me. We left early on the Saturday morning before Memorial Day for Sin City. Elmer's shrunken over the years so he can't see over the steering wheel. We had to give him a boost by having him sit on a few Phoenix phonebooks. Elmer's bladder has shrunken too over the years. So after several pit stops, and several pissed drivers cursing Elmer's self imposed 30 mile an hour speed limit, we rolled into Vegas and our destination: the Golden Showers Grand Casino. It's a few miles off the strip (about thirty to be exact) but it cost only $9.00 a night and the buffet is all you can eat for $5.00. They even give you $20 bucks to spend on the slots. How could anybody pass up that deal?

We met several interesting folks when we arrived at the hotel. Elmer was propositioned almost immediately by a young casino walker wearing a skimpy red leather dress, high heels and half of Walgreen's makeup counter. Elmer had his hearing aid turned off so I told her that he probably couldn't do it anymore but that I could give her a good tongue-lashing. She apparently didn't swing that way and started talking to another prospective client; a male senior citizen wearing a dashing lime green jacket, white pants, straw fedora and smoking a big, stinky stogie. They apparently hit it off and ventured over to the men's room for a little afternoon delight.

There was also one nice, unkept, unshaven man in a white t-shirt and tattered plaid shorts, who was wearing a peculiar aluminum foil hat. He introduced himself as Melnar. He claimed the hat prevented the casino owners from probing patron's brains with their mind control waves, forcing them to spend all their money gambling. He offered to make a hat for us to use for only twenty dollars. Elmer, not one to let 'the Man' control him, took him up on the offer and gave him a crisp Jackson. Melnar thanked him and gave Elmer his hat. He then grabbed a free drink from one of the casino walkers and raced over to the black jack table.

We gambled at the nickel slots for a bit (I won two dollars) and then hit the buffet. I had to give Elmer credit. He was really hanging in there with me. Not many men can hang with the Beulah Meister. Even young bucks half my age get exhausted. But Elmer was ready to attack the buffet, which was absolutely spectacular. They had roast beef, salami, hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, hamburgers, nice juicy pickles, mashed potatoes, gravy, jello and a salad bar with all the fixins. We loaded our trays with everything, even the Chef's surprise. I'm not sure what it was but I swear I saw it moving. We sat down ready to eat our meal when all of sudden, Elmer keeled over face down into his mashed potatoes and gravy. Good Lord, I thought. He's dead! I yanked his face from the spuds and much to my relief, he just took the exit into Slumberland. Poor Elmer! Another man falls victim to that old Snodgrass Energy Express. He was definitely going to miss the concert, though. I let Elmer snore away while I snarfed down my food. Then I hoisted him onto my shoulders and carried him back to his room. I laid him out on his bed, and wiped the potato and gravy residue off his face. I tucked him in, put his aluminum hat over his eyes and went back to my room to gussy myself up for the concert.

Special events call for special costumes. I got dolled up in my special Madonna ensemble. I wore my black ankle length dress that I normally wear for funerals, my shiny black pillbox hat, and my black high heeled orthopeds with matching black knee high socks. Here's the kicker: I put my metal cone bra on over my dress. How's that for derring-do! I snagged Elmer's car keys and headed to the MGM grand.

The concert was a fantastic mess of humanity. All ages showed up to the sold out show. People really liked my outfit. Even though I set off the security alarms, I could tell the security guards liked it. They were so gentle during my cavity search. With my metal cone bra acting as a battering ram, I made my way to the front of the stage so I could catch any souvenirs the Queen of Pop may throw to the audience. When Madonna came on stage, the electricity just sizzled through the crowd like lightning. She was gorgeous! She danced, played guitar and sang all my favorites like Nobody Knows Me, Like A Prayer and Into the Groove. I even loved the Jewish Mysticism themes she sprinkled through some of her songs, although I didn't know what the hell they meant. I'll definitely have to Google Kabbalism sometime soon. If someone as smart as Madonna follows it, it must be worthwhile.

I received a big surprise toward the end of the concert. I was bumping butts with some foxy looking Paris Hilton look a like when who do I see making her way over to me but Shirley Ray Bodine and her date from the Hells Fairies, Myron. She looked like she stepped out of a biker movie. She was wearing leopard print, see through blouse, a black leather mini skirt and thigh high boots. She was hotter than the Las Vegas heat! I was in heaven! Madonna on stage; Shirley Ray right next to me. I felt like a virgin in Sin City! Hello Orgasmville!

Shirley Ray was lamenting about her date Myron. It seems the Hells Fairies was just a group of biker wannabees: Mormon professionals from Mesa who ride bikes on the weekend. Myron was a Mormon accountant who 'lived on the wild side' when Saturday and Sunday came around. Wild for Myron meant drinking his decaffeinated tea with Sweet and Low. He didn't even own any leathers. He wore a Members Only jacket and baggy blue jeans so as not to show any bulges. He looked like a blonder, blander version of Ray Romano. His hair was slick backed like a biker's. But then again, it looked like he used a whole quart of oil. And he was wearing his hair pretty short, so the oil was dripping on his jacket. His 'machine' was more like a scooter and it was in the shop, so he drove his Mom's Ford Taurus on the date. They started out their date by eating at Subway for a 'wild' wholesome meal. Then Myron suggested that they go over to Castles and Coasters for a 'wild' wholesome good time. Well, Shirley Ray would have none of that so she suggested a 'wild' trip to Vegas. Myron hemmed and hawed but finally relented. Five hours later, here they were. Myron looked very pensive. It seems Myron wanted to call his Mom and tell her where he was. Shirley Ray was looking to dump him. I concocted a plan. Shirley Ray loved it.

The concert let out and we persuaded Myron to follow Shirley Ray and me back to the Golden Showers. We told him we had to drive together in Elmer's car because we had girl stuff to talk about. Well, that made him feel pretty manly. We got back to the casino and talked Myron into getting a drink with us. While Shirley Ray distracted him by adjusting her boobs, I slipped a mickey into Myron's iced tea. He took a drink and within ten minutes, he was out like a light. I hoisted him over my shoulders and carried him up to Elmer's room. We carefully placed him in bed next to Elmer, who was still sleeping like a baby. When Myron woke up, he'd be wondering exactly what kind of 'wild ride' he took that weekend. I left a note for Elmer explaining our prank and asked if he wouldn't be a dear and give Myron a ride back to the Valley. I would have loved seeing Myron's face when he woke up next to Elmer. Shirley Ray and I then borrowed Myron's Ford Taurus and hit the strip. We partied and gambled until the wee hours of the morning. Shirley Ray got friendly with several Chippendales dancers and I even got lucky with a Gilbert Gottfried celebrity look alike. We were so wasted we couldn't find Myron's car, so we caught a cab to the airport and caught a morning flight back to the Valley. By the time we got back to Cactus Corners, we were both spent. Shirley Ray went home to her trailer to nurse her hangover and I went back to Cactus Gallows to snooze Sunday away.

Elmer wasn't too appreciative of my little prank when he got back to Cactus Corners. He said he didn't mind falling asleep in the mashed potatoes and he didn't mind waking up next to a man. But driving five hours back to the Valley with a Mormon was just too much. He wouldn't even play shuffleboard with me on Memorial Day. But by Wednesday, he had forgotten about the whole ordeal. Senility has its advantages.

As for Myron, it turns out he was quite shocked waking up next to Elmer. He started making plans to move to San Francisco, so Elmer let him in on the gag. Myron eventually got his car back, too. The Las Vegas police found the Ford Taurus and called Myron's mother up to let her know. She obviously was annoyed to hear her car was in Vegas. When Myron got home, she let him have it. She almost used a curse word. Myron called the police and explained the whole sordid story. The police told him that he would have to come to Vegas to pick up the vehicle, and to make up for the inconvenience, they offered him a weekend of 'wild' wholesome fun at the Excalibur for anyone Myron and his mother wanted to invite. Inconceivably, he called Shirley Ray to see if she wanted to go. He said he was willing to overlook her practical joke and give her another chance. Some men are just idiots.