Bush Proposes New Healthy Forest Initiative

In response to the devastating wildfires in the western United States, President Bush has come up with a new Healthy Forest Initiative designed to reduce future forest fires.

"The idea behind this plan is that we thin the forests so that there are maybe ten or twelve trees per square mile. Maybe even less. That way, if a fire does start, no trees will burn. Forests can't burn if there are no trees around. See, it's a healthy forest. It's a win-win for everyone. It's a win for the economy. The logging industry will need more lumer...lumerber...log guys to cut down the trees. More workers will be needed to build the roads for the log guys. This will open up new areas of housing development and enable people to build houses safely in the forest without having to worry about losing their house in case of a fire."

Mike Scoggins from the Sierra Club then asked, "What about all the wildlife that will be displaced by the thinned forest, new roads and new housing? Where are they going to go?"

President Bush shook his head and said, "People! That's what zoos are for. All the animals can stay in zoos where we can manage them better. I'm tight with God and it's his plan that all plants and animals obey their masters! Us!"

Bush then added, "Supporting this initiative is the American thing to do! You Sierra Club lima beans obviously must be for the terrorists!"

Homeland Security agents then rushed Scoggins and lead him away to a detention area for questioning and a good pummeling.

Dennis Miller Assimilates Into Republican Fold

Comedian and former SNL cast member Dennis Miller, recently performed at a Republican fundraiser in California for George W. Bush confirming speculation that he has now become a Republican.

"About a year and half ago I felt my ass muscles clenching and I knew I was becoming a conservative," said Miller. "Hell, I can't even fart any more, man. Now I hang out with Rush Limbaugh all day and play pin the blame on the donkey, okay."

Miller blasted Democrats at the fundraiser calling them "empty-headed scrum" with debates that look "like Pez dispensers having a séance."

Longtime Republican Mabel Watkins said, "I didn't really understand his material. I didn't find him particularly funny either. But at least he's one of us!

When asked what he thought of Miller, aging business magnate, J. Lionel Worthington IV said, "Dennis Miller! That smart-ass longhaired punk from Saturday Night Live! I can't stand the little bastard! Oh. He's one of us? Heh, heh. Best comic alive today. I'd like to shake his hand!"

Conservative author and commentator Ann Coulter had this to say about Miller. "I always thought he was a lewd and crude idiot, but now that he's conservative, he's so... manly. Come and take me, cha-cha!"

Afterwards, Republican Chairman Marc Racicot addressed the crowd in a robotic, monotone voice, "We're pleased that Dennis has joined our collective. It is imperative that every American assimilates into the Republican Party as well. Resistance is futile. We are the GOP."

Barkley, Ewing, and Jordan Sign With Lakers

Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing and Michael Jordan announced today that they are coming out of retirement to sign with the Los Angeles Lakers joining superstars Shaquille O'Neal, Kobe Bryant, Karl Malone and Gary Payton.

"This is a slam dunk!" said Barkley. "I'm finally getting a ring! There ain't no possible way anybody's going to beat us next year. We'll be 82 and 0."

Jordan, who just retired again this past year after unsuccessfully trying to get the Washington Wizards to the playoffs the last two seasons, had this to say. "Six rings just aren't enough. I need a seventh ring...desperately."

Ewing added, "Ring, good. Retirement, bad."

Not every one is pleased with this development. Veteran NBA Referee, Larry Bullock lamented, "They don't have anybody we can call fouls on. At least they could sign a Joe Klein or Will Perdue so we can call a foul against them."

Several teams acknowledged that there will be no way to beat the Lakers next year and instead will field teams geared purely for entertainment purposes. For instance, Washington will field a team of drunken politicians, Memphis will field a team of Elvis impersonators and Denver will field a donkey basketball team.

Rumor also has it that several other stars who never won a championship ring are also considering joining the Lakers including Chris Mullin, Bob Lanier, Meadowlark Lemon, Air Bud and Jack Nicholson.

The 5 Best Ways To Get Kicked Out Of Victoria's Secret

As a public service to all those adventure seeking males out there, the BilgeBucket Gazette has compiled the 5 best ways to get kicked out of Victoria's Secret. Editor Dex Rexter has personally verified each one.

	Rifle through the bras, tossing them in the air and screaming, "I can't find my size!"
	Knock on the dressing room doors and say, "Come on out and let me take a look!"
	Critique women on their lingerie choices as they enter the dressing room.
	Put a bra on your head and run around yelling, "Look! I've got hooters on my head!"
	Start making out with one of the mannequins.