NFL Realignment Affects Arizona Cardinals

In a stunning move, the NFL announced its realignment plans which now places the Arizona Cardinals in Arizona High School Class 5A.

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said, "We felt justified in making the move. Let's face it. For the last 50 years, they've just sucked. The whole league hates them. Have you ever tried to watch them play? Yeeeeesshhh! There's more action in a Sun City Retirement Home."

Although, Cardinal officials are disappointed that they won't be playing their old division rivals like the Dallas Cowboys or Washington Redskins, they expressed optimism about their new competition.

"We feel we can compete in this league," said dweebish owner, Bill Bidwell.

Head Coach Dave McGinnis said, "We'll have some tough opponents. Desert Vista and Mountain Pointe are no slouches. We should be able to give them a run for the money. We may even take state."

Quarterback Jake Plummer added, "I'm just looking forward to playing in Yuma!"

Video Kingdom Announces New Technology

Video retailer, Video Kingdom, has announced a breakthrough in video technology: Video-by-Phone. The concept is that a consumer can call into the video store and a clerk watches the movie and describes the action over the phone.

"We feel the time is right," said CEO Wilbur Dumont. "With the recently released Bush Energy Plan calling for reliance on inefficient 1950's technology, it won't be long until we'll be back in the 19th century. We feel we'll be ready to take advantage of this trend."

When heard of the new technology, President Bush was quoted as saying, "This is the kind of entreperun…enterpresu… smart thinking we need to get us back to the future."

Fox Announces New Reality Show

In an effort to compete against Monday Night Football and cash in on the popularity of game shows and reality shows Fox announced it's newest contestant, Monday Night Executions.

The show will perform executions in a game show like atmosphere. In a television first for network cooperation, contestants for Executions will be people kicked off of other reality based shows, like Survivor and Big Brother and game show hosts whose shows have been cancelled, like Chuck Woolery from Greed, and Maury Povich from 21. The contestants will answer questions and the dumbest will be executed. The studio audience will get to choose the form of execution by spinning a wheel. Possible ways to die include the electric chair, being drawn and quartered, being gnawed by wild boars, and watching a 10 hour Suddenly Susan marathon.

Senior citizen and local TV viewer Mildred Langston said, "Oh my! That sounds like a great idea. I've always dreamed of watching boars bite Maury's balls off."

Programming Executive Deuce Willko said, "This show will combine all the best elements of television: cutthroat competition, stupidity, cold hearted connivance and of course, bloodletting. I really hope that Weakest Link gets cancelled, because I'd love to fry that bitch Anne Robinson."

In related stories, CBS announced that auditions for Survivor have dropped precipitously and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, at Regis Philbin's insistance, has been renewed until the year 2075.